Moving Forward

[sandi2]

Thanks for letting us hear from you.

[lostandconfused6]

I think the way you responded was perfect. She was checking in to make sure you still cared with that statement. I think she wants to know you still want to take her back if she can't make it on her own.

[sandi2]

How you holding up, GW?

[gutwrenching]

Sandi - I am doing just fine. I am detaching like never before. I am ready to be done with this. That might not be what people on these boards want to hear, but this time I am done. Strenght and honor as one wise man likes to say. I have given her more than enough chances, I've been hurt too many times, I can be happier alone than with her. So much damage has been done, its time to move on. Time to be happy and look forward to 2011. Time to face fear and act anyways. I can't keep on going like I have been for the last year. I gave it my best, I changed, but she hasn't. W has too many deep rooted issues that obviously she is unwilling or unable to face. It is an addiction but more than that.

So, I am now trying to get her out of the house. Time for her to move out. She is resisting, saying I should move out, but I am holding my ground. We have had discussions on how to financially handle things and we are getting close to an agreement.

[sandi2]

I don't see how anyone could blame you for how you feel, nor could they say you didn't give it your all. I remember so well when you first arrived here, and I you have been through so much pain.

I feel like you are an old friend now, and I'm hoping that we can still hear from you (if it's not too painful)and let us know how you and the girls are doing. I believe you have so much wisdom to help others. But I certainly understand if you decide that you need to move on from the board.

Isn't it amazing how she is trying to stay in the house and get you to leave? Guess she thinks it will be better for the girls if she stays there and daddy is the one who moves out? You are a fair and respectable man, and you will do what is best for your children. She isn't being fair or responsible....not even very normal. She's in a very scary & selfish place right now. She's using the kids,but it's really herself she's thinking about. Her fantasy has every decision so clouded that when everything breaks and she finally sees what she's done.....it is going to be really bad for her....and maybe bad on the kids. You might want to consider some type of C for them later,if/when she gets too far out there.

Oh, just breaks my heart. So sorry for all of you. Hope you will let us know how things go, okay?

((hugs))

[gutwrenching]

Thanks Sandi, you are a long time friend. For so long, I really believed we were going to be a success story. But the pain and the trauma have finally caught up with me. I don't see how I could set myself up for that again. This last go around might have been the toughest. I put so much into piecing only to feel like she spit in my face and now continues to lie/marginalize things. Hurts too bad to do it again. I am very scared about telling the kids, they are of course going to be crushed. But that will happen in the next few days.

Right now, I don't have the energy to give good advice to these boards...maybe a little later on, but not right now. I have to focus on continuing to detach

I owe you a ton. You helped me to a path to try to save the M and I thought we were close, but now I realize maybe not. If she was so unwilling/unable to communicate to me that there were still problems and what she needed while appearing to be committed...then were we really close? Not sure how I could trust a reconcilliation effort in the future? That is where I am at right now. I don't believe in D, but there are not any other real options at the moment from my perspective.

[sandi2]

Oh I understand completely about you needing to focus on what are faced with right now. I was talking about later when you felt you could still come here. In a way, it could be like picking at a sore by coming here. I think it works differenly with individuals. My H would not cooperate in going to MC, so it was my therapy to continue on the board.

I can almost feel your dreaded news for the kids. Are you going to tell them or have her tell them in front of you?

If she was so unwilling/unable to communicate to me that there were still problems and what she needed while appearing to be committed...then were we really close? Not sure how I could trust a reconcilliation effort in the future?

I can only imagine how that mujst make you feel. I would think a lot of hurt, anger, disappointment....a lot tied together. I believe she meant to reconcile. When it all hit her and she was begging for another chance...I think she was serious and had good intentions at the time. But as the weeks passed by....she couldn't handle the pull of the EA. It is so unbelievable!

I was surfing the TV last night and got on the end of a program of how infidelity affects men. I wished I had heard the entire program. I have learned a lot from you men here on the board. When you are ready, others will learn a lot from you.

My prayers continue to be with you, GW. I will certainly be praying for the girls, also.

((hugs))

[FindingMyVoice]

Just checking in with you GW... how are you managing?

[gutwrenching]

I was doing real well and now I am just trying to get my mind around things. I let go completely, emotionally detached and she felt it. She got scared. Then we started talking about the S and reality starts creeping in. And we talk about seeing other people and it kills her.

W said she spent all day thinking about me with someone else and the girls liking a stepmom more than her.

She is a wreck again but not completely cracked. And I don't know exactly what to do at this point. I am trying to think it all through. She is talking about what it would take to work on things, if we have to S before we can work on things, etc. But I haven't heard the magic words yet...no contact/complete transparency. And I have to decide if I can believe her, trust her, and be willing for another round or not.

[gutwrenching]

There was some reality in all this last night. With apologies and realization that she didn’t give the piecing enough time and she was selfish and needed help. She is suddenly afraid she is going to end up like her mother. She says she wishes she could go back and change some of her decisions and she says she took me for granted.
But…again…nothing about no contact/transparency