Get the best deal you can for yourself legally. If you feel like a derranged year-long Santa, you can do that anyway without having it in legal papers.
THIS.
Do whatever you want but make sure that legally you aren't required to do more than the minimum. Knock yourself out after but don't sign away more than you need to.
And did I see you're going pumpkin picking with your W? Take your son and have fun and leave her at home.
I had counseling individually with our MC yesterday... the pro-marriage one that we were going to before the S. I haven't stopped going to I-MC (if that exists) at all, so it was good to talk again yesterday.
We talked about how my W just is really figuring herself out. I told the MC about how W said she wants to go back to MC after the legal S is signed, which we all know here is weird. The MC seems to think that this is because my W is only 24, got married at 19, had a baby at 20... that just some part of her NEEDS this Legal S so that she can "stand on her own two feet" . It's not necessarily that she doesn't want to be with me but that she somehow needs to feel like an individual again, find herself, know that she can start this R with a clean slate, etc. That's what the MC really thinks after knowing my W. I don't necessarily disagree.
So, I also spoke to the MC about how I finally understand how my W could have an EA... and the only reason I do understand is that it is now kind of happening to me. The girl I met a week ago at the store is still texting and emailing me, pursuing me very hard. The MC asked if that made me feel good. I said yes, it did alot because I haven't been pursued in 5 years by anyone. I've never even looked at another woman. I've never even thought about being with anyone else but now I find myself fantasizing about it... and I feel guilty about it.
She said that my W is playing a dangerous game of chicken. Much like what everyone who is a LBS sometimes finds out... that the WAS expects you to wait and wait and then at some point you, the LBS, turn into the WAS. My MC said that she sees it all the time when the person who walks wants "time" to figure things out. Sometimes the person who was the LBS waits, and waits, and then at some point we all have a tipping point and then we walk. Often she finds that at that point or shortly after is when the WAS wants to stop the game of chicken but it is too late.
She asked me how close I was to quitting and walking away - whether I felt like it was a week, month, or 6 months or years... and I thought about it really hard. I told her I wasn't sure, but it was right around the corner. Then I found myself saying the EXACT same things that my W said to me in MC - "I don't know if my W can be the person I want to be with. She'e never met any of my needs."
My MC stopped me and paused. She was a little sorry I had gotten to this point knowing how much I wanted to work on this R and M. She said that if I haven't already reached that tipping point, it really was very close. Then I found HER asking me to hold on to hope of saving this M. What? I found myself internally arguing with the MC for the reasons I would want to stay.
Why? I gave many examples to the MC. I'm a sentimental person - very open and emotional - and when all this went down after my W moved out, I tried to go around the house and box up anything sentimental. You know what I boxed up? Nothing. I couldn't find a single birthday or anniversary card that had more than one sentence on it. I couldn't find nick-nacks or anything. I had nothing... my W had never done anything like that for me. No notes in the lunch, anything. We also talked about how I was a physical person and the MC asked me how many times in the past year had I been pursued and felt physically and emotionally intimate with my W. I said maybe twice. That really got me upset because I realize that I want more.
Pinhead, if you're around, I finally understand where you are man. I want more. I see that there is more out there.
The MC spent the better half of the session trying to convince me not to give up and walk away because my W was young and loved me and would get through this - but said that if I walked it would be alright.
Then I said something I haven't said ever:
I think I'm going to be just fine if she comes back, or not.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
Yes, John. You are going to be JUST fine, with or without her.
Originally Posted By: john28
I told the MC about how W said she wants to go back to MC after the legal S is signed
Read that over and over again and over again.
As for this other chick... John you are in a very very vulnerable place right now. Any female attention is going to sound good. I would strongly urge you not to pour yourself into this. The reasons for this are many including the fact that if your W found out, I am 99.9% sure she will use this against you in mediation/divorce to get what she wants.
You are golden right now. In my opinion, you have the upper hand. Don't let her see any of your cards so play what you have the right way and don't get caught up in any other BS. She wants to "stand on her own two feet"--give it to her.
I'm a sentimental person - very open and emotional
is a attraction killer and won't get you this
Quote:
how many times in the past year had I been pursued and felt physically and emotionally intimate with my W. I said maybe twice. That really got me upset because I realize that I want more.
Nothing wrong with your feelings, it's when you let your feelings lead you that it is a problem. Women know feelings aren't how to make decisions, feelings change, women talk about their feelings and they act on what they think. That's why it confuses men to hear women say one thing and do another. Women lead with their feelings in a conversation they don't want their man to lead with his feelings - attraction killer. Why - feelings aren't decisive, don't instill confidence, they don't come from strength and they aren't calm.
Quote:
I think I'm going to be just fine if she comes back, or not.
See the difference it made to yourself. Lead with what you think. Don't forget it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Women know feelings aren't how to make decisions, feelings change, women talk about their feelings and they act on what they think. That's why it confuses men to hear women say one thing and do another.
Every guy on this site should memorize this pearl.
So interesting time today! My DB friends, I'm detached. Wow, this feels exhilarating.
We went to mediation, I was all business, she was all emotion. I didn't crack. I was happy to be getting through all off this crap with splitting everything up. It felt good to almost get it done. Probably one more week and we'll this all said and done.
W called to talk to S4, then I immidiatey got off the phone after she was done. Just like you guys said, and I wanted to. I didn't want to talk to her.
So guess what, she calls me at 9:30pm after her class and wants to chit chat. I don't. I'm just like whatever. I don't care anymore. I've nearly walked away. She is upset and crying on the phone and wants to know if I'm going pumpkin picking this weekend. I told her I didn't know yet, I'm having mixed emotions, but I would let her know.
This launched into her starting an R talk - about how she's done everything to try and be my friend and I don't want to be her friend anymore. Then, I laid the bomb on HER.
I told her I didn't want to work on this M anymore, or the R, and I frankly didn't want to be friends anymore. We've caused too much damage to each other and I didn't want anything to really do with her anymore. I would remain civil for the sake of our child, but I would prefer if we could just move on with our lives.
Of course, she blames me in this conversation for the reasons why we can't be together. Typical BS. I don't care. I'm beyond that. I want a real R and a real M now.
After she calmed down she kept asking me if I was going to be her friend. I told her that I had walked away, and didn't think that was possible anymore. Until now we wanted two different things from each other - not anymore. I'm gone. It's over.
She is VERY upset that she "can't be my friend". Whatever.
After we get off the phone, guess who calls me... awesome girl that met. I'm happy and cheerful on the phone. We end up talking for nearly an hour. At one point my W calls me, but I don't click over - just let it go. I'm still talking to this other person.
Well, after I get off the phone I see that W has called and sent text for me to call her. I break, I know, and I do. I call her back. Guess what?
She asks why I didn't pick up the phone... I tell her I was busy. She then launches into this sobbing and crying and stuff and I ask what is going on with you. She says that she drove up to my house and she called me and I wouldn't answer her. What the hell? I ask why. She says it's because she wants to be friends and wanted to fix this.
Bwaaaahaha. Really, I'm laughing right now. I'm so cold it's not funny.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
One more piece of the pie - today she said that after I got off with the phone yesterday with my son at bedtime he "asked who that girl was in the background". There wasn't anyone - I was at home. But I was going out that night with some friends and W asked what I was doing that night....
... today at mediation she asked where I went last night. Who I was with. I just kind of gave her a blank stare and said why. She said she was just trying to make conversation. I said that I just went out with some people for a drink. I could tell she wanted more, but I just didn't offer it.
Everything I read here on these forums says sometimes things turn around when the WAS finds out 1) no more friends 2) there might be another person the LBS has
I don't care anymore, really.
Hmm. I wonder if she drove by tonight to see if anyone was here....
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
Women know feelings aren't how to make decisions, feelings change, women talk about their feelings and they act on what they think. That's why it confuses men to hear women say one thing and do another.
Every guy on this site should memorize this pearl.
I'm trying to learn this DB stuff, but I thought John was "going dark." Are we supposed to call our wife and talk about the relationship when we're going "dark" or "dim"?
Sorry for the stupid questions, but this is something I struggle with.
