NFTP, if you are admitting that you act this way, I think that is a good first step. I think a good 180 would be to say this to your W - a sincere apology and being specific about a behavior you want to change will go a long way. I know that all I have wanted through all of this is a little honesty and humility from my H.
Went to a lawyer yesterday. It was just going to be a first step, but the fee wasn't horrible and she was really nice. We're starting with an attempt at mediation. So, I listed all of our assets and explained my intent. Found out the new law in my state isn't 1 year after a separation agreement but 6 months after the initial separation the D can be final. So, that begins at the start of Sept. when I first moved out of the house.
The next step she is going to email H for him to come in and speak with her. We'll see how he responds. If he doesn't, we will go ahead with No Contest proceedings and serve him with D papers. He then has 40 days to sign or contest. If he fails to sign or contest in that time, I can just file without him.
What I like about this is that now H has to take at least SOME responsibility for the D. He's the one that brought up freaking D first! But like everything else in his life, I had to do THIS for him too. But now he has to take some responsibility for himself. And if he doesn't, well, it sure says something about what kind of person he is.
I woke up this morning and started crying. I still have no idea why he decided to be so cruel to me, and I guess I never will. All I wanted was a little honest from him. Why did he have to have this A, and then play games with me? When did he become this horrible person?
BUT I am seeing a play tonight that 2 friends worked on as designers, so that will be fun! And then Sunday I am helping another friend do her hair for her ballroom dancing competition.
I have a whole bunch of life errands to do, too. Laundry, cleaning the bathroom, and finally getting the rest of my crap put away from moving! I need one more shelf unit, then I will have a place for everything!
H32 Me32 together:10 M:5 No kids ILYBINILWY 7/28/10 OW found 8/15 A exposed 8/31 I Move 9/3 Dark 10/1
Jin, so proud of you yet again! GAL feels good! Control feels good! Have fun at your play and know that you are an amazing person and I surround yourself with people who know that!
Me:38 H: 45 OW:34 S:4 Bonus S: 12 and 16 2nd M for both Together 12 yrs M: 6 EA suspected: 5/10 confirmed: 7/2/10 Separated: 8/12/10
Talked to SIL on the phone today. She said H is really looking lost. She can see he is just falling apart. Living these three realities is taking it's toll on him.
He also bought a dog. A Pomeranian. We're guessing this is OW's influence. H and his family have always had dogs, but usually medium to large ones. If H were to get a little dog, I would have thought a Pug. He always said he loved Pugs. But a Pomeranian? I'm guessing he's finding the emptiness upstairs too much for him and is trying to fill the void. I get it, I do. I mean, having the cats with me has helped. But they are not taking anyone's place.
But he still has not faced what he has done.
H32 Me32 together:10 M:5 No kids ILYBINILWY 7/28/10 OW found 8/15 A exposed 8/31 I Move 9/3 Dark 10/1
Jin I'm so sorry you are going through this but you are strong and will be ok.
I also had a day of crying. Just coming to terms with how could this man I loved and trusted so much be so heartless, cruel, manipulative, etc.
The only thing to remember is that it is NOT OUR FAULT. IT IS NOT OUR PROBLEM. They are like that all on their own and we have to look inside and find out why we stayed hooked in with someone who mistreated us.For my case, it was a lot of blaming myself and constantly being on a roller coaster of hurt where I felt I had to defend myself. But even when I do nothing he continues to be hurtful so I just need to protect myself. Period.
Focus on you and only you and don't worry what/how H is doing. Maybe stop asking for updates from SIL so that you can close the door and focus on yourself.
Focus on you and only you and don't worry what/how H is doing. Maybe stop asking for updates from SIL so that you can close the door and focus on yourself.
You're right. I need to stop doing that. Even for her. I'd like to continue to be friends with her if possible and I don't want to think I am using her for information.
When I got on the subway to go home after the play last night, I started to cry. I cried on the walk to my apartment. I cried for about a half hour at home before I finally went to bed. I cried because I knew that if H had gone to the play with me he would have really enjoyed it. I cried because I probably would not have even gone if we were still together, I probably wouldn't have even suggested we go.
It was also a profound sadness for what had become of us. When all I asked for was honesty, why did he cling so much to a lie? Why did he do this to me? What went so wrong in his heart that he became such a monster? I worked so hard to try and keep things going, even in the face of the A, but all he did was play games.
But, this morning I got up at the crack of dawn, literally, to go to my friend's house to do her hair for her ballroom dance competition. Then I went with her, taking pictures and helping with makeup. I watched everyone dance. A room full of women, dancing with their teachers, who decided that they wanted to dance. It was oddly symbolic.
H32 Me32 together:10 M:5 No kids ILYBINILWY 7/28/10 OW found 8/15 A exposed 8/31 I Move 9/3 Dark 10/1
Just look at his dad and his brothers - you'll see why he did all those things. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. I cry too wondering how the man I loved and worked so hard to change things with could be such a monster. But we can't figure them out. We need to focus on ourselves and start believing we deserve better. Close the door!
I just came back here to say I probably won't be posting here much more. I'm not going to say never again, but I think I'm closing the door on this one.
I have been on my own without H for nearly 2 months now. The more I look back, the more I work on things in therapy, the more I know I do not want him back. Talking to a lawyer about the D was not a move to "make it real" for him - it's what I want.
So, since I don't want to Bust my Divorce, I guess this isn't the place for me. I am not going to be giving any advice to anyone that isn't colored by that.
I am still going through crap. I am lonely at times. But I don't even miss him anymore. I miss the presence and the comfort, but not him.
I do not know if he has responded to the lawyer yet. I assume she emailed him, possibly called. I have to follow up on that one next week.
I have not spoken to him in, gosh, almost 3 weeks I think. A couple of texts over a checking account snafu. I don't suspect I will hear from him again unless he needs something from me.
So, thank you all for your support. Best of luck to each of you.
H32 Me32 together:10 M:5 No kids ILYBINILWY 7/28/10 OW found 8/15 A exposed 8/31 I Move 9/3 Dark 10/1
How long is the filing process going to run its course?
WH may start to fall apart before this is finalized... don't' give up hope yet.
Hope to see you on MA sometime soon
WH''s missing someone wonderful... Keep up the no contact, I honestly think its a powerful force in your favor... both for your health and to add incentive for him to come to his senses.
Sorry to hear that you filed. Dont give up. I have been doing this for 3 yrs. I was doing good with the no contact for a month and a half but I blew it on Mon and called him and conversation wasnt very good. I feel i have to start over again and Im very sad. A lady at my group invited me to a halloween party tonight but im so tired emotionally and physically I dont think i can go. Go to rejoicemarriageministries.com there is great info if you are a spiritual person. Charlyne's tapes have gotten me through everyday.
If you have no children with him I say continue down your path an get out of the marriage! I have been so sad since finding out about my wh's affair. I have spend most of this time mourning the loss of the marriage. But in the last month or so that has change. I feel that walking away from him would be easy, it is my son that I cry for and the life that we are creating for him. If you end up busting this divorce and have kids with him you coul be in the same place in another 5 years, just with kids. This makes it so much harder. I think if you talked to many of us with children you would find we envy your position b/c if we were child free we would not still be attempting to save the marriage.
