These things don't let you edit anymore..Anyway, it sounds like the new lady is interesting and fun. Stay away from STBXW, but be cordial when you do see her. Let your lawyers talk. Its going to be expensive but sometimes you have to pay to get your life back. Throughout all of this, she has not given any indication of being "nice" when the divorce is actually a reality. Everything she has said and done shows that she is going to fight to get everything she can, including child custody. Future, she is looking out for her own interests, bottom line. As long as you remain in this neverland and you are feeding her ego with the idea that you are waiting around for her to come back, its worth it to her to play nice to get the ego fed. But once the divorce becomes a reality, she is going to fight you tooth and nail. Your best bet is NOT to negotiate with her--she is just toying with you, Future, because she needs a mirror. Why would she take any less than she is entitled to under state law? Either offer her what she is entitled to under the law, and leave the lawyers out of it to save money, or don't talk to her at all and only let your lawyers talk. You aren't going to charm her into anything less than State law anyway--its she who is trying to do the charming of YOU, but when the divorce is real, forget about it. My XH and I went to a mediator--nothing was relevant except state law. We asked him how he thought a judge would rule on X and Y, and Z and agreed to abide by his decision...
I have researched narcissism quite a bit, and I do think STBXW has mild NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). I think your comment about needing me as a mirror is spot on. She sees herself through me to some degree, and when I act so distant and disregarding of her, she doesn't like how it reflects on her, and she wants to lash out, at first, then try to appease me if that doesn't work. I don't think she's hopeless though. It's not so much that she wants me to reflect back that she's attractive and charming, as it is she wants me to reflect back that she's a good person.
Spoke with our MC yesterday. She said STBXW is terrified that she's all alone, and if she's now losing me, she's seeking money for security. Ugh. She said I have to work on staying detached from STBXW without being so distant and disregarding of her. Reassure her that even though we're getting divorced, I don't hate her, and I still have a basic respect for her as the kids' mother. It's my complete cutting off from her that causes her to panic and lash out. Makes sense, but who knows?
Future, I have a question for you if you don't mind. Why does your MC advise you to not disregard your W, etc.? Is it to keep a civil relationship with your W for the sake of your children or is it to keep things friendly with your W to possibly keep the door open for the M in time? Just wondering. I ask because I wonder if keeping things friendly with my W is still the way to go or just be extremely distant.
Wishing you the best.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
The way I've always seen it advised is, "If your goal is to reconcile your marriage, then keep it civil. If you decide you're DONE, then hire the meanest, nastiest legal SOB in town, and play country hardball."
If you decide you're DONE, then hire the meanest, nastiest legal SOB in town, and play country hardball."
IDK, that's who I hired and I wasn't done. In fact the Greek has given referrals to a couple of her friends to use the lawyer I used.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I seriously doubt your w's L is telling her to be mean and uncivil. Frankly, that's what the Ls are for. the L is probably telling her the MOST she can get is "X" and SHE"s driving the "I want more" train. As a L, I suggest that clients let US do the dirty work, partly b/c I think it helps couples stay civil, which is both cheaper AND easier on the kids AND increases the chances of a recon.
I have not seen "SOB L's" win more than strong, calm advocates. It's a question of whether the L is experienced in Family law so they can accurately predict out come, to the extent that's done, AND experience in actually going to trial, YET while trying to avoid it.
(In family Law, trials are ALWAYS horrid affairs and no one ever feels as if they "won"...how can they?) For regular litigation you want a litigator. For div, you want someone who's willing and able, but who's willing to avoid it if it's a close call (and who is realistic). When 5 L's all say you'll get no more than "X" and then ONE L says "Oh I can get you double that", you don't hire that one.
There are not that many surprises in Family law since guidelines are more specific in that area, mostly to avoid trials. They spell out as much as they can. There are not that many facts to dispute, so juries are not as needed. Also, "no fault" divorces greatly reduce what there is to dispute.
Last but not least, SOB Ls are pricey and can actually prolong the ordeal b/c they have their egos involved, and or they want to churn billable hours,and or they simply irritate the other spouse or other Lawyer (hey, we all have egos) so much that things get worse, not better.
Just my thoughts. I cannot think of when being civil would hurt you. Are you meaning to say "wimpy"? That's not what I mean.
Good luck Fut, and remember you can be fair, strong and assertive and NOT be an ass&^$%. Maybe that's the lesson for many of us. j
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'm a lawyer, too, and I agree with 25years. Make an offer that a judge would accept, that is fair, and cut your ties. Talk to W about how a judge wouldn't get you anything better. If you both feel like you got a little bit ripped off, its probably the right outcome.
Expensive legal battles benefit the lawyers but not necessarily the clients.
