It's still so hard some days...

[old theotherhalf]

Hi all old DB friends. It's funny that I actually came here to just "check" in. Today is the anniversary of my x father in laws passing, 17 years ago today. I guess what better way to vent then to come here where some might understand my feelings. I've thought of "Dad" and my ex all day today. I want to send Ex a text or something to let him know that I'm thinking of him today and that I remember but sooo much has happened that I know that it's probably a bad idea. The last contact I had with Ex was a couple of weeks ago and it was bad, over money. He's still cruel and mean and selfish and I really do not want anything to do with him.
BUT, I do still miss my freind, my husband. Does that make any sense?

[old theotherhalf]

On the upside. Life is okay. Somedays better than others but for the most part I'm doing okay. I am now a full time student going for my AA in accounting. I work full time and still have BF in my life. So with all I keep pretty busy. I continue to have my bad days on occasion but they do seem to become fewer and farther between. Unfortunately I still wonder why and feel the pain of losing everything. But I try and let those moments come and go instead of dwelling on them. Love to all of you.

[AntoniaB]

I totally get what you're saying here. I was thinking the same thing today. My life alone is really great in so many ways. I'm really doing it, living on my own, having my family and friends close to me, having a lot of professional success, and just really used to living alone and actually enjoying the lack of conflict and solitude. I'm happy. I never thought I would be again, but I am. I can see that I'm happy with myself and that's worth a ton. But now that I've decided to stop all contact with my H, and now that I'm really actually sticking to it and not caving and giving in, I just think constantly how "wrong" it feels for us not to be in contact. There are so many times a day that I want to text or email or call even just to say "oh gosh, one of the cats just climbed up the attic stairs and walked all over up there!" because he'd get a kick out of that, or "hey I got this accomplishment at work" because I know he'd be proud of me, but I keep telling myself what is the point? If I do that I feel like I contribute to his cake-eating and I give him the best friend he lost when I get nothing in return from him, no commitment, and a spouse who walked away from me into an affair and who won't go to counseling and who filed for divorce two weeks ago.

I feel like if I contact him, he'll think I'm ok with the divorce filing and this affair isn't that painful to me, and it is. AND if I contact him, I feel like I'm the only one who has potential to get hurt because one bit of kindness from him and I'll start believing he wants me back.

So I get you totally in wanting to contact your ex. It feels unnatural and wrong for a long-term relationship to just sort of die almost overnight. I feel like HE died. I don't see him or hear from him at all. Yet he lives 15 min. away. But it's like he doesn't exist, and I'm sure to him now that I stopped initiating contact, it's like I don't exist, which makes it all the easier for him to have his affair.

So I know it's so hard. Stay strong. You and I are in the same boat. We deserve better and we'll get a better life and relationship some day, either with husband version 2.0 or someone else somewhere down the line.

[old theotherhalf]

Thanks AB I'm sure your right...