I am feeling very depressed about my situation. yesterday was ow birthday and Im sure my h took her out for dinner like he use to do for me. I havnt spoken to him in 5 wks except for once. It seems like he gets more involved with her when I don't call him. I feel like things are going from bad to worse. His mother is in the hospital for pneumonia again she is 81. I think it is because of the stress of what h is doing to our family. H is living with his mother and ow always goes to MIL house. I sent flowers to mil yesterday from me and my son I signed it 'love" i wish i hadnt put love though. We were not on very good terms because she blamed me for husbands affair. I fell like calling h and telling him how we want him to come home to his family, that we miss him and love him. I cant take this anymore. I think they are planning on getting married and it kills me. I joined this forum in 2007, h was home 2 yrs out of the 4 but gone the last 8 mos..
I sent flowers to mil yesterday from me and my son I signed it 'love" i wish i hadnt put love though
that was a no no.
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We were not on very good terms because she blamed me for husbands affair.
WTF!, She's blaming you for your H poor decisions!
rysmom, start living for you, let go of your H and M. You are still living in fear and it isn't too fun. Understand no matter what happens you will be OK.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
thanks for your reply. I know Im a lot happier when i go on with my life and not think about h. This has been a sad week for me because I went to lawyer to sign d papers but wont be ready for 1 month I can change my mind if i decide to. my h is a spendaholic and i worry we are going to lose everything because of his debt. I dont want to live in fear anymore I have to trust God. Hope you are having a good day. I see you are from the northeast like me.
Im feeling kind of sad today. Weekends are usually difficult. Just thinking of h being with ow. I went and played tennis with 2 woman and my friends boyfriend. I was feeling sorry for myself because they have a h and boyfriend to go home to. Yesterday was a good day. I went to a womans support group and met another lady going through the same situation, but she filed for d 4 mos ago. H sent electrician over to my house yesterday to fix light at least he might b thinking of us. He told my s thanks for flowers that me and sno sent to his mother in hospital. Do you think it was good to send them?
I texted h to ask how his mother is she is 81. She is in the hospital with pneumonia and heart failure. He text back that she has lung damage and heart failure and asked how I was and how my family was and thanked me for watching his dog last week. Any comments about having contact with him?
Oh, rysmom, I don't know. If I were you I wouldn't contact him at all unless it's business. Actually, in many ways I am you.
It seems like you have this need for your MIL to like you and that is just not going to happen. What's done is done with the flowers, but I think you need to let her go, too. She has shown no care for you if she is letting her son bring his mistress into the house, she has earned no such respect from you. It is not that you have to be heartless, but texting your H to see how MIL is just shows them both that you are needy and still seeking approval.
I understand this very very much! I am the same type of person as you, so I recognize what motivates you. My H lives in a family home, and my MIL has given him permission to bring the OW into the house pretty much as soon as I moved out, too, so I also really really understand your sitch!
Don't lose you heart - I know that those of us that worry what people think of us also have big, open, forgiving hearts. But you have to know when you have to protect your heart from pain. And every time you show your heart to MIL or to your H, all they do is take advantage.
No contact involves conditions that you set for your H to ask for contact from you. Those conditions are generally that he cease all contact with OW and express a desire to recommit to the marriage. Did you write him a letter saying this? Within the letter, you explain why - that you wish to save your marriage but his actions are causing you too much pain and NC is needed to protect yourself.
Then you wait. During that time, you do what you are doing - find yourself and find joy again. It is a chance to think about you and what you need to be a happy, whole person again. It is up to H to make the change needed and come to you to ask for forgiveness.
You need to find a 3rd party to take care of communications between you and your H. Especially since you have a child, you will need this person to protect you. Do you have such a person?
Don't do anything else for him. Don't watch his dog. Don't let him send a repair man. Don't send you MIL any more flowers. Don't ask how she is doing. This does not make you a b*tch. People who have shown no respect to you do not deserve the love that you have in your heart.
H32 Me32 together:10 M:5 No kids ILYBINILWY 7/28/10 OW found 8/15 A exposed 8/31 I Move 9/3 Dark 10/1
If I understand correctly rysmom has been doing this for almost four years. It's no longer about NC. It's about letting go, really letting go, and moving on.
You have been around a long time. And a heart connection is a heart connection....it was the right thing to do to send the flowers to his mom. You love her. Don't second guess that.
You are a good person with a GREAT heart.
If you really want to DB him, you do that with setting goals. But I think you'd be best off, if your goal is to get him back, to talk with Laurie, the DB coach.
I think you might have had coaching awhile ago...did you?
Saying a prayer for you... sg
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Yes I did speak to Laurie many times. I think I will call this week. I sent MIL flowers because I thought God forbid that she died and I didnt kind of make ammends with her. I kind of believed it was my fault for her being sick because I said "what kind of grandmother are you to let ow into your home" about 2 mos ago and it was around then that she got pneumonia. She said " oh shut up " and hung up on me. I hve not spoken to her in at least 2 mos. and dont plan to for a long time. I know i shouldn't blame myself for h mistakes, but I do somethimes. I think the stress of h bringing ow into her house really bothers her but she never stood up to h, she is very passive, and codependent. I think her heart is failing because h broke my son's heart and deep down it bothers her. She knows what h is doing is wrong. Thanks very much for your reply. If you could please give me advice in future I really need it from a good source.
i text h to ask how his mother was fri. H text back that she still has pneumonia and heart failure. He also asked "how are you and your family? Thanks for watching my dog". I only watched her because I missed her. I replied "my family is good, how r u? I think of your father often and miss him". His father died last year this month he was 93. H had no text response to this. Yesterday me and my son were going away and he wanted son to stop by his house before we left to say bye to him and bring a check he got in mail. i drove son over and son went in and gave h chack and hug. I parked down 2 houses. h gave son $ and a box of yodels and put some funny bone in box and said "mom likes the funny bones they are for her". I think h is really confused about what he wants.
