Vulcanized & H's A, Pt V

[Vulcanized]

Last thread on newcomers got too large, so I'm starting a new one.

Last post was Pearl:

Hey Vulc!

It took me a while to track you down.

So I'm going to say this because I like you and I know you'll take it the way it's intended...

It sounds like you're still holding on to H, OW and this whole damn sitch way too much. Make no mistake, I totally agree that it sucks big time and your H is a world class a$$hole. I think I understand your response to him because it's how I would initially respond. You want what's yours because that's fair and what should happen. You want to find some measure of justice in this pile of crap that H heaped onto you.

Maybe it's just that you vent here, but I don't hear about any joy in your life. I think you're at the point where you really need to move your focus to the positive aspects of your life and what you're going to do next.

I am not suggesting that you roll over and let H have everything he wants. You should do what you can to protect your assets. But let the L handle the dirty work. Figure out how much all the stuff is really worth to you because the longer you fight over it the longer H is controlling your life.

You said H wants the D to be amicable. Has he said that to you? Why are you having convos like this with him? I definitely think strict NC would be good for you. Use it to work on eliminating thoughts of H and OW. I know it's hard. I still think about BF's whore every once in a while and then I hate myself for letting her have even that much space in my head. It's a work in progress but it does require work.

Stepping off my soap box...

Are you having a nice autumn in your neck of the woods? The leaves are turning here and it was cold at night for a few days but we were back into the 80s yesterday. Can't store the summer clothes here until November.

What did you decide about going back to school? What have you been doing to GAL?

Hi Pearl,

I do spend my time venting here & living my RL in the RL.

The past few weeks have been good. Ended things for real w/the man I've been seeing on & off since early spring. Still smarting a little over that, but needed to be done.

Recently met a few interesting new men, however, am pretty aware that I'm not even close to being ready to be involved w/anyone. The thought of even just going on a date makes me unnerved.

Have splurged on a few big ticket items (outrageous leather pants, partial season hockey tickets, etc). Spending time w/old friends, making some new ones, doing a lot of new & different things that in the past I would have NEVER done. Re-opened my business (which has been closed pretty much for a year) and throwing myself full force into that.

Also have been buckling down and settling into apt (which I'd been resisting). Had gut instinct that the moment I actually got settled, something would happen that would make it necessary to move again - ex, H wanted to R, I'd meet someone new, etc. Finally got things hung on wall, arranged cute, splurged on drapes, etc and ... looks like I'm moving!!!

The other unit in my bldg is now available. It's double the size, has central air, a yard and a finished basement, complete w/powder room. Looks like I'll be trading up at by the end of the year. Now just waiting for it to be cleaned out, fixed up, etc. But I'm thrilled. I'll actually have more than enough room to work on my business, have a guest bedroom & even be able to have bbq's next year!!!

As for H, I'm torn. Part of me thinks I should say to my L "I want $xxx, tell H's L whatever you need to so that I get $xxx". Even though I love H, I really don't see anyway to be w/H. Don't want to be w/him. Can't see my feelings changing in the future, but who knows?

As for school, I have to get motivated & start applying for loans, grants & financial aid. Ideally, would like to start back in January.

Feel like since I have a clean slate, need to really utilize it. Hence, doing a whole bunch of different things that are forcing me out of my comfort zone. Have been making it a point to interact w/men everyday. Flirting, bantering, etc. w/no expectations. Just doing it to make me feel good, make them feel good, keep in practice, etc. Prior to all this, I'd only flirt when I meant it. So it's been a stretch for me to force myself to do this.

Overall, I feel like I'm in a good place. It's scary and lonely at times, but I can handle it.