I'd like opinions on this exchange my H and D had yesterday while D and I were out shopping.
I'll set this up for you. I took D with me shopping yesterday morning. She texted her Dad mainly to find out what he was doing today as neither of us wanted to run into him and the ow if they happened to be out shopping, also. He told her he was shopping alone and did she want to come with him. She told him she was with me shopping at our local membership club.
So, we stopped at SC for some items. We got to the check out. I handed the cashier my card. She scanned it and told me it had been revoked. Huh? Then I understood. H had taken me off from the membership and hadn't bothered to let me know. I had to go stand in line to pay for a new membership. An extra expense I didn't need. Here's the text conversation that started between H and D while I was over setting up my own membership.
TEXT MESSAGE CONVO
D: Why didn’t u tell me when I told u I was at SC with mommy that u took her off the membership?? That would have been helpful information!
H: Listen Missy, I’m still your Father, WATCH YOUR MOUTH! That was 2 months ago so apparently she wasn’t using it much.
D: Don’t yell at me! U could have at least told her that’s not fair, yes you are my father, but you make it hard for me to respect you sometimes and it hurts
H: Don’t you think it hurts that no matter what I do for u kids u ALWAYS take her side? It’s ALWAYS my fault. Doesn’t matter that I was taken for granted all those years. NO!! It’s always on me. WHY, when we are no longer together would I renew hers? You respected me when I helped you get your car, pay your Insurance and bail you out for Christmas, but that doesn’t seem to matter. Don’t you think I have just a little bit more on my mind than a f-in SC membership?!?!
D: We appreciated u a whole lot more than u ever saw and I very much appreciate u now. Do I not thank you when u do something for me? I won’t ask any more if ur going to hold it against me and don’t worry as soon as I build enough credit to get u off my loan I will if that’s what you want. I’ll pay my own insurance and u’ll be rid of another kid. Congrats. (She's referring to S here that hasn't talked to his Dad since he left)
H: THAT is not what I am saying! I want to help u and I am NOT holding it against u. I just 4 once would like it if U stuck up 4 me. Instead of biotching at me about a stupid a$$ SC card.
D: What do u mean stick up for you?? Mom didn’t say anything she was just confused. I’m the one that got PO'd. She never says anything about anything you do. She doesn’t even know this fight is taking place. Why ruin her Christmas on top of my ruined one.
H: OH STOP IT!! LOL your xmas isn’t ruined. Just an adult discussion!
D did not bother to reply back to this last statement.
Does anyone have any opinions about why this went off the tracks like it did? IMO D's question didn't warrant H's anger.
Almost from the beginning I've treated H with respect and dignity. I haven't asked for anything unless it was kid related and that has been minimal.
Yes, there were times I took my H for granted, it was not for years though. I owned that and apologized to him and told him that even though we were no longer together I would never take him for granted again, and I haven't.
Why is it that after all this time H can't make the connection that the kids and I are even closer than before because he walked? We have been there for each other while he's been choosing the ow even over the kids at times. What does he expect?
My Take: He took you off the SC card to get a reaction out of you. He has been waiting for the confrontation and rehearsing it in his head. Only problem is, the convo happened with D instead of you. This is not about you or D, but his replay. He is still running the replay justification tapes in his head, so you would both be good to drop it. D handled him beautifully, we could all take lessons from her!!!!
I wish you a very Merry unMlc Christmas!!! May all the love and hope of the season be yours!
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
I'd say that he still expects pats on the back for anything he does (he made reference immediately to helping your daughter out) and that when he does something that is negative--taking you off the membership and not mentioning it--and your D asks him about it, he gets angry because he feels like the other things he did now don't matter. Does it make sense? No. But it seems like script to me; if you take the identities out of that exchange, there is one person who sounds like a teenager and one who sounds like the adult, and the fact is that your daughter is the more rational sounding, adult person in that conversation. In fact, I felt it very easy to visualize a 16-17 year old boy on the other end of her exchange due to the anger, the language, the quick mood swing, the attack, and the "why do you always have to take her side???"
Bottom line is that he doesn't like that you're closer to your kids now than he is, but he's too childish to see that this is a standard and expected consequence of his actions. It just reminds me of the text I got from my H the other day. "Me, me, me" and no empathy or caring for anyone else.
As a side note I don't get the impression that he deliberately let you go shopping only to be denied the card on the spot. I'm sure he did forget about it--because these people in MLC are all about taking care of themselves and having a good time and NOT facing the minutiae of daily life. But his reaction was just childish, no two ways about it.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I just read Whatnow's comment. You know, that makes sense too--that it was rehearsed...
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
As far as I'm concerned the matter has been dropped. D probably wouldn't have told me about it except that I knew something was wrong when she started crying. I pried it out of her and then we talked about it. I assured her once again that it wasn't about her or even me.
Have a very Merry Christmas and the brightest of New Years!
Yes, I have read the 5LL and I believe AOS and WOA are tops on H's list along with PT.
My first thought was that H feels guilty and was trying to defend his choices to justify himself.
I wouldn't doubt that the season is upsetting him a bit too. We really did Christmas up right when H was here. We have continued our traditions and it's possible he may be missing it somewhat?
Thank you all for your thoughts on this. It's just another strange incident in the land of MLC.
SA - your H seems to be playing the victim....poor me...everyone is against me...it's not him, never him....it's everyone else that is wrong....isn't that typical in MLC?
Merry Xmas to you and yours my friend
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
