I don't think the pace of the legal process in your state should dictate what you do in your personal life. If the process is started, and every intention is to see it through, then sure, dating is fine, IMO.
The universal answers I have seen written (from folks on Oprah to Doc Love on Askmen) is that until the divorce is final, you are still married, and so (no matter how unfair it may seem), it is not a good idea.
Why not a good idea to date if you a working on being a healthier you through GAL'ing and detaching and the D is inevitable? This is what I wrote to another poster who had heard from a self help group regarding D that one should wait one year for every four years of M before dating:
I wonder why the arbitrary ratio of 4 to 1 regarding years married to years before one can date? I certainly believe that it is solely based on each individual and how they focus on healing themselves during the S and after the D.
I know the site is dedicated to DB'ing; however, the underlying theme is GALing and detaching to help the LBS become a stronger and healthier individuals and to prepare us for the journey ahead whatever that might be.
I was a disaster when my W left and went dark. I was trolling these posts and dissecting every trivial element of my sitch. Thank goodness for the posters on this site that talked me down numerous times and guided me when I most needed it.
I realized that I could not go on like that and be the happy healthy individual that I wanted to be. So I GAL'ed and I am still GAL'ing like a mad man and doing the things that make me happy. If I feel that I would like to have a person of the opposite sex join me "date" I am certainly not marking an arbitrary date on my calendar based on the number of years that I was married to do so. Though I do use my horoscope to pick my lottery numbers
I use to feel sympathy for the posters who have been on this site for years DB'ing when their WAS has no interest in saving the M. Sure it is noble to sacrafice ones happiness for the good of the cause...saving your M. However, if your WAS is not interested and never will be interested in saving the M...who loses?
I know it sounds selfish to think of ones happiness only, but are the posters who are on the this site for years single handedly DB'ing also being selfish? They are thinking of their own happiness, but have not accepted the fact that they can be happy on their own. Instead they continue lingering into the lives of their WAS making their lives miserable and in return being rejected again and again.
So I am a big advocate of GAL'ing and detaching and focusing on your own happiness and forgetting what the WAS thinks or might do for me or our M. I have started dating...though I am M and have a piece of paper to prove it...wait a minute I think my STBXW has that emotionally I'm not! And dating to me is going out with different people not getting emotionally attached having a conversation, dinner and a movie...nothing sexual. So I do not see it as having an affair. Maybe my dating in the eyes of some of the posters is not the noble thing to do. I see it as part of my GAL. Although, I would like to DB my STBXW has to want that too! I don't plan to be one of the posters that is here two years from now still carrying a torch for my WAS. Life is too precious and short to sacrifice it for others!
I don't think the pace of the legal process in your state should dictate what you do in your personal life. If the process is started, and every intention is to see it through, then sure, dating is fine, IMO.
Why not a good idea to date if you a working on being a healthier you through GAL'ing and detaching and the D is inevitable? This is what I wrote to another poster who had heard from a self help group regarding D that one should wait one year for every four years of M before dating:
So if I'm married 24 years, and I file for divorce (let's say my wife cheats on me, and refuses to end it), then I'm to not only wait until my divorce if final, but also another SIX YEARS????
I am going to take the opposite approach, i don't agree with it. In my situation, I didn't want this, didn't have the affair, didn't leave the marital house, but for myself (and there is no religous conviction here) I want to be able to tell my boys I was faithful to their Mother until the end.
I've gone this far, what's a few more months?
M-38 W-37 T-16,M-11 (Oct 30,1999) S-5 S-2 Wife left 7/4/2010
"When life hands you a lemon, say, 'Oh yeah, I like lemons! What else ya got?" — Henry Rollins
Two posts I found here, and I copied them to my HD, don't remember who to give credit to.... _________________________________________________________ people with high integrity don't cheat, and they don't start dating until the divorce is final.
I think every sitch is different. Are you holding to this path because you truly believe in your wedding vows or to be the martyr and show your sons who was the more righteuos of their two parents? I am not trying to bust your stones; however, I don't equate dating with affair and my definition of dating is not hopping in the sack...
GAL and detach for yourself and don't hold a torch for your WAW.
