It'a All About Me

[dolphin_05]

Another new thread.......... Here's the link to the last one. http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2098343&page=1

As I reread parts of my last thread I can see how focussed I am on H and how I have taken the focus off me.

In December when H made no contact for Christmas I determined he wasn't worth my time and I shut off all contact with him. I started to feel really good and happy, too.

In June after much inner debate I initiated contact regarding our son's 18th birthday. Since then our relationship has moved from really awkward to comfortable. It has been different to any other contact we've had in three years.

MIL has now added into the situation and I start this new thread unaware of what she has said to H or where he sits. (MIL has told me to move on and that ow is just what H needs. She has told me that I am impeding her forgiveness of H and their relationship by my involvement.)

H has been out of contact since last week. He has also had a disagreement with D and they are not speaking. I will not be initiating contact with him.

Anyway, regardless of what H is doing I need to make this more about me and living my life the way I want. if H is coming along for the journey, great. If not, then I can't afford to wait around for him.

Atm D is also an important factor in this. She needs my time and attention, too. She's hurting as well.

I have the settlement paperwork out to give to H as per his request. He can do the work for it. He can lead the way. He seems to think this will bring him happiness and closure.

Today I am working on an assignment for my Masters. It's a drag but it's what I need to do for my next career move.

[goodattitudegirl]

Cas,

MIL told me H's relationship with ow caused him no pressure and that's exactly what he needs right now.

Sounds like H is using OW.

MIL has told me that I am impeding her forgiveness of H and their relationship by my involvement.

Sounds like MIL thinks this is all about her. Wonder if this is the message she programmed into H when he was growing up?????

Good luck on your 'homework'! Good for you that you have adjusted your attitude! You inspire me.

It's a fine line we try to walk................

GAG

[dolphin_05]

Sounds like H is using OW.

And MIL appears to endorse this but she claims it suits both ow and H. I wonder if ow would agree. I wonder what H tells ow about our dinners etc. I'm sure he tells her nothing.

Sounds like MIL thinks this is all about her. Wonder if this is the message she programmed into H when he was growing up?????

I think you could be right GAG. FIL does everything to please MIL. She's definitely the boss and I have known her to send off these 'bombs' to others in the past.

So I listened to Beatrice and decided that I needed to clarify with H about his birthday so I made a brief call to him. H said he was quiet for no particular reason at lunch.

He said he felt pressure from everyone to decide what to do in the second town we visited. I briefly explained that I suggested going there as MIL and FIL hadn't been there and I thought he might also enjoy it. I explained that I was trying to consider him and his preferences given that it was his birthday. He said he understood but next time I should just make the decision. He said not to give it any further thought because it was all history as far as he was concerned.

I thanked him for doing all the jobs he has done for me and confirmed my appreciation. He down played it and assured me it was no big deal.

I said that I was more than happy to continue to help him with his resume/application letters. (MIL said I should stop doing this and stop looking for jobs for him. I haven't ever looked for jobs for him and I have no interest in doing so! I have proofread and modified his applications as per his request)

I've tried to be a little proactive just in case MIL sends H an email.

I cancelled this week's dinner as I have lots of uni work to do. I decided the space will probably do me good anyway.

So thanks for your advice Beatrice. MIL's email is where it belongs...in the trash both physically and mentally! (But a copy in a hidden computer folder just in case)

Back to the final 1000 words! Wish me luck!!

[goodattitudegirl]

[quote=goodattitudegirl]Sounds like MIL thinks this is all about her. Wonder if this is the message she programmed into H when he was growing up?????

I think you could be right GAG. FIL does everything to please MIL. She's definitely the boss and I have known her to send off these 'bombs' to others in the past.

If MIL is that controlling Is it possible that H was quiet on his birthday because he was becoming annoyed with her? She may have triggered a downward spiral for him. If so, why didn't he just tell you that on the phone? Who knows what bombs she dropped elsewhere? OW could be licking her wounds too.........I think you did the right thing in initiating with H. Sounds like it went well. I am taking notes.

In my situation too, I have been phoning XH briefly from time to time for simple things (rarely called him since the bomb) and he has been pleasant and sounded pleasantly surprised to hear from me. This is a change for my XH. Maybe this is another similarity between our situations?

GAG

[Sanderika]

Good Luck, (((Cas)))

I will warn you....I am going to ramble.

I have no MIL, her death was a trigger for my H's MLC....

H left me 10 months after,

I have been told by many that if she were still alive, H and I would not have been in this situation, including FIL.

FIL and I get together regularly - twice a month for my son's sake. He is cordial and friendly, keeps me informed of the goings on in the family. He never mentions H or the OW or my relationship problems. I do know, however, that he is deeply hurt by H's actions and choices and does not like what has happened in his family one bit.

As they say, blood is thicker than water. MIL are a different breed. I know they can be very protective of their sons. I picture myself to be one one day....Hmmm, I will have to learn a lesson on how to stay detached.

As has been said by all of us, pay MIL no attention...continue to be kind to H.

As far as MIL not having any first hand knowledge of how you feel, you are correct...therefore she is not in a position to offer any advice good or bad.

She is like my mother, I don't have any contact with her because she doesn't understand what I am going through and never will. She was always meddling (I am sure out of love) and offering me advice on what to do and how to behave. I couldn't take it anymore....I had to run fast and far. My relationship with my family will never be the same because they don't know my pain and anguish over the break-up of my precious marriage. I suppose I have become a prodigal child...another Hmmm.

You can bet the R he has with OW is not that satisfying. You can also bet that she is much more demanding and causes plenty of pressure on H. That's what OW do...

It's when OW are pushing and pressuring that our H's get really into deep funks. When all is status quo and they aren't under pressure, they are calm, cool and collected. This is a fact in my sitch anyway...

I agree with the DIM to DARK approach at this point in time...

Let the dust settle. Let H come to you either in friendship (in which case he is reaching to you) or for the settlement paperwork (in which case I would move forward with the divorce paperwork as well).

I hope he mends the fence with your D...that is not doing any of you any good. This is apt bring H back into your world if it continues for any length of time...keep an eye and ear on this thing between them.

Good luck wishes again!!

I will be watching....I've gone back and forth whether or not to start a thread yet.

Sanderika

[dolphin_05]

GAG, MIL is passive aggressive I'd say so she says nothing and everyone thinks she's lovely and she is until she gets bothered by something and then rather than have a discussion she either sends an attacking letter/email or refuses to talk. So she issues the punishment. In their family no difficult topics are ever discussed.

MIL seems to have forgotten that it was through my urging that she reconnected with H after months or no talking over ow.

She told me to move on and that we are to have no further meals together...(H, me, chn, MIL, FIL) because of the discomfort/tension/stress she and FIL feel. She says she will tell H this. This is the first time she's mentioned this after 3 years. There was tension at lunch mostly cos H was not talking! At the last dinner at H's house he was so relaxed and MIL and FIL said H was relaxed and in his element.

After S's 18th MIL wanted some photos and asked for a family photo of the four of us. This made me really uncomfortable as H and I hadn't spoken in 6 months.

When D, H, MIL and FIL went to breakfast the morning after their arrival she asked H if they could call in to see me so here she was initiating a 'family' situation.

She told me H and his sister are still not talking over the ow situation. She can't have me in the conversation about H but only when she sees fit.

Plenty of other examples. I just think she's got annoyed and protective of her son and has quickly let me know what she thinks and her solution to the issues as they suit her. She doesn't need me anymore. H is now in a better place.

She was upset with ow but not anymore. She's decided it's what her son wants and needs. She won't ever say anything to ow.

It's ok cos I don't need her and my children are old enough to make their own contact with her.

GAG re phone calls with H... I have made very few. I have had skype in past months and we have used that to communicate. I am thinking of deleting him off that because it makes me too aware of him being home/away and makes communication too easy.

Hi Sanderika, How are you?

H and D had a 'falling out' Friday and he told her she could find her own way to her activities over the weekend. This really annoyed me because I had deliberately emailed him prior and asked him to help out as I expected a busy weekend with study. (I rarely ask for this help and I told him why)

So D tells me the situation and so I say that I'll take her....not that big a deal. At the last minute H texts D and asks if she's right for a lift and D says yes. He texts again to ask if it's me taking her. D refuses to respond.

Sunday morning H texts again and asks how her activities were so conversation is back on. Good lesson to me in how to handle H. If he's interested he'll be back in touch.

So I cancelled weekly dinner and just told him I was too busy as I have a uni deadline this weekend. I could manage it but I think I need some space.

MIL's email has really made me wonder if H is really worth this kind of hassle. All I have ever done is try to understand him and that has been very challenging. (as you well know)

So I've clarified with H on the basic MIL issues and I'm now giving myself some space while I feel this way. I figured it was a perfect opportunity.

I was also annoyed that H didn't bother to contact me to say sorry he would no longer take D to her activities or to say sorry he I had to do it. It's another example of how it's all about him. Perhaps H has inherited this 'all about me' attitude from his mother!

[Sanderika]

Hi Cas,

I am coping but not really doing all that well....thanks for asking.

Not a very happy girl atm. I guess I am having a hard time realizing that my precious marriage and family are gone.

I am trying to keep really busy, trying to gal.

I should start a thread, H has made contact numerous times over the past two weeks. It's unnerving since the initial court appearance looms on the horizon, Friday 11/5/10. I smell a postponement coming from him, time will tell.

You know that the syndrome "all about me" is a classic MLC ailment.

I think he isn't cooked yet, as snodderly puts it. His latest pull back is proof positive.

Keep your space for now....be cautious of his moves. Like I said, the dim to dark approach towards him is a good thing for you right now...and will give him pause to wonder about you. Perhaps this time you should drag it out should he come around again.

I know exactly how you feel, my friend. Please find comfort in knowing this. Have a good week (((Cas))).

Thanks for your friendship,

Sanderika

[dolphin_05]

You know that the syndrome "all about me" is a classic MLC ailment.

Yes! Thought it was an apt thread name cos the tables are turning. H thinks it's all about him but I'm getting more selfish now and I want it to be all about me!!

I think he isn't cooked yet, as snodderly puts it. His latest pull back is proof positive.

I agree and as I've read so often it's a long, slow process and the cooking isn't done until he has the courage to say goodbye to ow. Will that happen? Who knows but he knows and I know that she's a bandaid and nothing more. MIL is kidding herself too if she thinks otherwise!

Keep your space for now....be cautious of his moves. Like I said, the dim to dark approach towards him is a good thing for you right now...and will give him pause to wonder about you. Perhaps this time you should drag it out should he come around again.

I'm listening! I don't feel like contacting him atm anyway so I am capitalising on this feeling. I'm feeling stronger and more in control.

I know exactly how you feel, my friend. Please find comfort in knowing this. Thanks for your friendship.

I know you do and as I've said before I have always been so appreciative of you sharing your thoughts and insights. Thinking of you as you head to 5 Nov. Take care! Cas

[beatrice]

Hi Sanderika and Cas05, if we aren't careful these MLCers take over our headspace all too easily, even those of us who have been doing it forever - and I speak as one who experiences it regularly. My court date has been postponed again, at a matter of days notice, with the weirdest letters coming from my h's side as to the 'reasons' for this. He seems to have found lawyers as strange as he is.

It is very hard not to get sucked back into their drama. Don't they realise that if they really want a divorce it is not that hard??

As for your MIL Cas, she is an interfering old bat. Please do not confuse your h by involving him in any way.

Try not to take what they are doing personally. This is very hard, but it really isn't about you, and if you feel it is intended to hurt you, well what person in their right mind wants to do that to another human being?

As Snodderly said long ago, patience, compassion and understanding are the vital mix. Yes, we need our boundaries, but if they hurt us it is out of their own deep and still undealt with hurt, whether or not it is or feels deliberate.

There is a lovely world out there, and we have to find our way back to it, and stay in it, not flounder around in their pain with them,

[Creed]

MILs.....oye. That's why I keep a healthy distance from my eldest sons marriage, even when they hit a rough patch this last year. They know I'm hear, but you won't find me calling either of them to find out how things are progessing, or giving unasked for advice.

Of course this MIL is saying OWis the right one for your H. To say she isn't is saying your H screwed up...and most MIL would put their head in blender before admitting their child is not perfect, or doesn't have every reason in the world for acting like WAS usually do.

She sounds like a very manipulative woman, and your H may never heal until he is able to separate himself from her personality type. Geesh...it must be hard to be him, and find himself in the position he has put himself in.

Him telling you to make the decision ahead of time reminds me of how my H wanted me to make all decisions about family/home, because 'he had enough decision to deal with at work'. I honestly believe they get to the point where they just can't deal...or we've babied (protected) them so much through the years, that they don't know how to deal with home/relationships on their own. It's also a form of passive/agressive, which is basically what his mom sounds like too.

I'm so tickled that your FIL is keeping contact for your sons sake. Mine really didn't have anyone to fall back on (they were young adults, but still suffered, and to this day walk on eggshells as far as their dad) A male role model..who has both feet on his ground is definitely a positive for your son right now. I hope it continues.