As a woman ...it takes time to rekindle that attraction and that bond. Do all the things the OM did... The things YOU did before the mortgage, the kids, and the laundry took over! Take it slow, if you get the chance " date" her!
I think she got dumped by TKD guy and Pensacola is simply the default.
If she really wants her M back, she would jettison TKD altogether. I know it's "important" to her, but she polluted that one the minute she started her A.
Oh, they do have consequences, alright. They have both intended and unintended consequences.
It's easier to see the problem if you flip it around to focus on her as if she were coming here for advice.
If she came here and said she had an affair with her TKD instructor, and now her husband wants a divorce, but she wanted to save her marriage, but she wasn't willing to give up going to that martial arts studio, what would you tell her?
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
I think that if she wants to try to reconcile that you should push for two things no contact and transparency and that's it for about the first 6 months. From the reading that i have done going through this situation myself, having an affair is like an addiction. They will have withdrawal symptoms the first few months and this will make them very depressed and not wanting to connect on the emotional level that they may have before. People who are successful at breaking an affair seem to have some understanding of this. If you can spend that time allowing them to see your best side, rather than focusing on what they are or are not putting into the marriage I think you will be much more successful than if you pressure them to feel something that they may not be able to feel at the moment which is a strong emotional connection to you. I know it doesn't seem fair, but no contact alone is going to be about all she can handle right now, and a pretty tough feat to accomplish. If you can get her to do that for about 6 months, she may be able to work on reconnecting once this time period is up. I think I pushed to hard for too much affection early on when my husband was still going through this withdrawal.
I think that if she wants to try to reconcile that you should push for two things no contact and transparency and that's it for about the first 6 months. From the reading that i have done going through this situation myself, having an affair is like an addiction. They will have withdrawal symptoms the first few months and this will make them very depressed and not wanting to connect on the emotional level that they may have before. People who are successful at breaking an affair seem to have some understanding of this. If you can spend that time allowing them to see your best side, rather than focusing on what they are or are not putting into the marriage I think you will be much more successful than if you pressure them to feel something that they may not be able to feel at the moment which is a strong emotional connection to you. I know it doesn't seem fair, but no contact alone is going to be about all she can handle right now, and a pretty tough feat to accomplish. If you can get her to do that for about 6 months, she may be able to work on reconnecting once this time period is up. I think I pushed to hard for too much affection early on when my husband was still going through this withdrawal.
There it is boys & girls! Very good post, lostandconfused6. I don't whistle very well, but you get one hard try from me.....
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I think that if she wants to try to reconcile that you should push for two things no contact and transparency and that's it for about the first 6 months. From the reading that i have done going through this situation myself, having an affair is like an addiction. They will have withdrawal symptoms the first few months and this will make them very depressed and not wanting to connect on the emotional level that they may have before. People who are successful at breaking an affair seem to have some understanding of this. If you can spend that time allowing them to see your best side, rather than focusing on what they are or are not putting into the marriage I think you will be much more successful than if you pressure them to feel something that they may not be able to feel at the moment which is a strong emotional connection to you. I know it doesn't seem fair, but no contact alone is going to be about all she can handle right now, and a pretty tough feat to accomplish. If you can get her to do that for about 6 months, she may be able to work on reconnecting once this time period is up. I think I pushed to hard for too much affection early on when my husband was still going through this withdrawal.
There it is boys & girls! Very good post, lostandconfused6. I don't whistle very well, but you get one hard try from me.....
Yeah, I think this sums it up, too, and I'm gonna stick to my guns on this one.
I think she got dumped by TKD guy and Pensacola is simply the default.
Forgive me if I'm mis-remembering, but Pens, aren't you getting deployed again soon? The cynic in me says she's just stringing you along so that yes, you will continue to pay the bills when you go.
