Spinfree, I been reading some of the stuff you suggested. I like what it is saying. Give me somemore advise. How long did it take before things turned around for you? I used to be that guy in a lot of ways but still need help. More Advise would be appreciated. Thanks!
To a certain extent, I don't think one can just switch off resentment. I think that there will be related scars for quite a while, at least there are for me.
Ultimately, I think one needs to mental determine that you need to take care of you and focus on meeting your own needs. It helps (in my opinion) if you can also mentally get to a point where you want to try to provide unconditional and daily acts of emotional love to your spouse for a fixed (multi-month) period of time. It helped me to realize that from my wife's perspective, I had hurt her badly, even though it was not my intention of ever doing that. That allowed me to try to forgive how badly she had hurt me or at least put my pain on a back burner, while I tried to make a better life.
Then as you achieve happiness work on forgiving your spouse, so that you can be emotionally free to find greater happiness.
But still the scars of emotionally being hurt are still there and sometimes get in the way of even a reconciled relationship, at least in my experience.
I found some CD's that I could play in my car while commuting on affirmations, positive self-hyponsis, and forgiveness to be helpful. Barnes & Noble & Amazon.com have lots of them.
Good luck to you.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
No, you absolutely cannot just switch off resentment, with only one exception: if you made a mistake, and your resentment was the result of a mistake. The thing that makes resentment last is that so often it comes from genuine hurt and genuine wrongs; it's not exactly "wrong" so much as it is unhelpful, so you're not just going to decide one day to put it behind you and that's it. It'll sneak up on you. You'll catch yourself feeling it.
But Young at Heart's suggestions are good, and I'll only add to them. The thing I'd want you to remember is patience. You will probably feel at times like you're not making progress, even if your progress is rapid. I used to drive people crazy here with my complaints that things weren't changing fast enough, that I was stuck in the same patterns. From the outside, it was clear that I was actually on the fast track and I should have been overjoyed at my luck (my wife got on board, which doesn't solve all the problems but makes a HUGE difference--I was very lucky.)
But I don't think you can avoid feeling that you should be changing faster and it's been too long, and I also don't think that's very often true. Resentment can be chipped away slowly by means like what Young at Heart has mentioned, but the main thing it takes is time. As you improve things and begin to see what's possible, resentment will slowly simmer down. You'll begin to catch yourself showing more patience, more empathy (genuine patience and empathy) and you won't always have really specific reasons why, you just won't be as angry anymore.
Today I am very frustrated! We had sex saturday and I had to be the one to initiate or it would not have happened. I felt great and even she was a little more upbeat the next day. Then before we went to be on Sunday she says before bed you are not getting any tonight. I did not expect sex nor did I give any indication that I was going to try. What does that mean??? I fear I will have to wait another month before we do it again. Does this all mean lack of respect or lack of love? the sex was good but was only for about 15 minuts, no mind blowing session. We have not had one of those in years! Any thoughts??
I would also like to ask does anyone have any suggestions on what I should do here? Should I keep trying to initiate? When rejected how should I handle it? Do I just keep letting it fall to the waist side?
Then before we went to be on Sunday she says before bed you are not getting any tonight. I did not expect sex nor did I give any indication that I was going to try. What does that mean??? I fear I will have to wait another month before we do it again.
Slow down and take a big breath. Now ten more.
I've been right where you are. Many here have. If she decided to do that kind of pre-emptive rejection, it could mean one of two things (or something entirely different, it's not as if I understand women or anything)
1. She thought she was letting you down easy; she knew she wasn't up for sex, and she expected you to try for it, and she thought that would be better than letting you get into the moment and then turning you down. She may even have a point here--if she'd let you get further into trying to seduce her (I know you might not have tried it that time, but bear with me, because I'm doing this more from her point of view) and then shot you down, it's possible that you would have taken that as some kind of teasing game. I know I did (and sometimes still do.) But I also, like you did, get upset when she tries to spare me that by jumping in before I've even said anything with a flat "No." It's like she never gave it a chance, isn't it?
2. Another possibility is that she took a chance, let you in, and she liked it, but that scared her. It was a loss of control, and it was a break from what has become her routine. Most of us will fight to defend a lousy routine over taking a risk to make things better. She panicked and cut herself off as a pre-emptive strike the next night, at least according to this theory. I can't say whether either of these two ideas is true, but I know my wife and I did both. The good news is that this kind of reaction on her part doesn't mean that it's all over. She let you in a little bit and the world didn't end, so this current retrenchment won't necessarily last forever. You may be right to expect a month, or it may be much shorter. She might change her mind about it in the next couple of days, even. Expect this kind of backsliding to come and go; just try to react to it more and more smoothly, with less and less of that panicky "Oh [censored], this means another month of celibacy, doesn't it?" feeling.
Not a solution I would recommend, but I've watched HBO's Big Love and fantasized about the fun of having multiple wives. It seems the odds are that there will always be a wife who wants sex that night. The delicious thought of having sex be a virtual certainty every night is enough of a fantasy to make my head spin. Never had that in real life, not even in the best days of my marriage, unfortunately.
Solution is to find a single wife, who enjoys having monogamous sex almost every night. They are out there, ones who don't want to cheat, and who are going to need to have you almost every night.
We're out there...but we're already married....to LD men!
(Chiming in late, I know, but I couldn't resist! )
Thanks Sillyoldbear!! I am just extremely frustrated! We still have not made love and I can't let go of the anger. I need to somehow stop being angry and resentful and maybe I can get in a better place for myself. I am working on it and it is getting a little better. I just don't understand why she is like this? She know how I feel and still goes on like this. I am constantly thinking, Does she love me? maybe I don't turn her on? Doesn't she ever think about sex? She doesn't respect me? She used to be very sexual person! I can't get these thoughts out of my head and they consume me. I continue to work on myself but having a hard time figuring out what to change. Very Frustrated!!
"I just don't understand why she is like this?...She used to be very sexual person!"
Have you asked her "what changed?" And if so, did you listen to and accept what she said?
I ask you this because I am the ld partner in my relationship and I have tried to explain to my h what happened to me, but his usual response was to argue with my explanation or to tell me that I shouldn't feel that way. I don't know for sure but I feel that if he could accept my explanation as true then we could work together on making change.
I hope that she recognizes that you do care and are making an effort to reconnect.
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