I dunno about you Kimmie but I am going to do everything to save my marriage this time but if we R and this happened again I don't think I could do this again.
I don't think too many people go through this, set firm boundaries, break free of of permanent codependency, reconcile, and then live in fear that it will happen again.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
It's not advised. You will may be judged by how well you follow the standards.
My guy knows. He's not 'into' talking about relationships. But then....I hear him giving some of this advice to one of his guy friends who goes through some troubles.
You just have to be careful
Some folks do KLA/Marriage Breakthrough together and get on this site together. But if you started out working through this own, weigh it carefully before you share.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I told my H that I joined an online support group but have never given him the specifics of the site and he has never asked.
And if H had another A.... well... that would be the dealbreaker. I would not have to DB again to save my marriage. Just would use DBing to be a better me.
The advice and histories on this site helped me to put my M back together again; however, I have never told my H about this site. As a MLCer, his memories of his depressed years are rather hazy, and I don't think this site could offer him the same sort of support that I got from it. That said, the information I got here is crucial to how we've reworked our M. If H had another EA ... it wouldn't matter whether he'd found this site or not: once was enough for me.
In terms of others who've saved their marriages, there was a woman called Morgan, later SallyM, whose H found her writing here. He was furious, but kept reading and was amazed by how highly people regarded his wife (and criticized him). It forced him to work on himself, and they were reconciled. HOWEVER, she was pretty much unable to post here any longer, talking about specifics, because she knew he was looking over her shoulder, which lost her the support network she'd built up here.
On the other side of the coin was a lady called Rotzilla or something like that, who had her H come and do a thread together with her after she busted his affair years ago. She was back last year, now that her H was in MLC, and found that his knowledge of her DB tactics was used against her.
On the other side of the coin was a lady called Rotzilla or something like that, who had her H come and do a thread together with her after she busted his affair years ago. She was back last year, now that her H was in MLC, and found that his knowledge of her DB tactics was used against her
Change or do not change, and go through life a codependent with crappy boundaries who is constantly angling to find newer and more secret tactics to "control" somebody else's bad behavior.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Change or do not change, and go through life a codependent with crappy boundaries who is constantly angling to find newer and more secret tactics to "control" somebody else's bad behavior.
I think after doing the customary self-examination, and the extensive personal rehab, we need to take the time to take an honest look at our spouses, too. It takes two to make a healthy relationship and since the WAS tends to make poor relationship choices from the get go, the odds are that they need to do a lot of work themselves. If they won't/can't, doesn't much matter what we do.
At some point, I'll chronicle "the rest of my story," but suffice it to say that after doing all the work on myself, which I do not regret, I found out that my wife has been hiding some significant mental health issues and right now I'm doing what I can to make sure she gets healthy for herself and for my children. I've led the horse to water, now I can only hope that she drinks.
Moral of the story, it ain't always us, and sometimes the sitch is out of our control.
