I posted this in another thread but thought maybe it would benefit by having it's own thread, here it is again:
Question time :-)
For... EVERYONE
Do you feel that a few of the veterans on this site (myself included definitely) push advice down your throats?
Do you feel bullied by myself or other veterans?
Do you have issues with my style of advice or other veterans on this site? If you just want to focus on me if that makes answering this question easier so be it, no worries.
But please speak up!
These forums are anonymous, I'm not going to hunt you down and give you a beating if you tell me you don't like my advice style or feel like you're being bullied to take advice that you don't agree with.
For the record, I doubt that puppy would have done that either back in the day when he frequented these forums on a daily basis. I sure as heck know that coach wouldn't do that to anyone, or Gucci or Steve or Sandi or Greek or any of the other countless vets that comment on these forums.
If you don't feel offended by our style of advice, Do you like our style of advice? If so, why?
I would love to hear all viewpoints/opinions on this.
I've been on the receiving end of many 2x4s and WTFs from the vets. 99% of them have been well deserved. The other 1%, well, I attribute those to posting while intoxicated (;)), differences of opinion, or the difficulty in communicating online.
But I'm sorely disappointed in the moderation that has gone on the last month. A resource that was vital for me in coping with my situation has been gutted.
1) I look at the theme of the advice that is given and don't take the 2 x 4's personally...sum of the parts I guess. No one is going to DB perfectly and while the specifics of our sitch's are different, they all follow a common script.
2) I think the advice that the vets give and the questions that the vet's ask are the same questions that we ask ourselves but are afraid to answer because deep down inside we know what the answer is.
M-43 FWW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 Piecing? 9/10/10
I like your style Robx and do not get offended by it. I look forward to reading all of your posts and wish that I had found this site earlier when my sitch was still new. You are more direct than most of the other vets, but I appreciate everyones advice.
Actually, I would really appreciate it if you would look over some of my recent posts and give me your opinion of what I should do next. I really admire what you did with your M. I think your advice would be to focus on myself and my kids and to start dating. I am trying, but it is difficult to accept that this R is over after 23 years.
The problem is that so many vets have been banned or given up, that I am not sure this site is worth as much anymore.
I think that the advice given by the vets is very good. It's the only way you're going to rebuild a healthy relationship. Sure, you might get your M back another way, but who wants to be in a R where you feel like you have no power?
I think it's tough advice to swallow, though. And when you first get here, you are terrified, unable to think rationally, and I think that it takes time to get to the point where you are willing to implement the advice. For everyone it's personal, but I think everyone gets there at some point.
I personally NEEDED all of the 2x4s I received when I first got here (under a different username, way back in the day). I didn't want to HEAR them, mind you, at least not at first, but when I look back it was some of the best advice I'd ever been given. I just wished I would have listened sooner.
Message forums should be freewheeling, and self-censoring. If someone's advice doesn't hold up to the intellectual rigor and scrutiny, by others dissenting and explaining WHY they disagree, then it gets dismissed. As it should be.
A healthy message forum needs both vets AND new blood/new thinking in order to be effective, IMHO. But what do I know.
I'm honored to reply to you, Rob. Your posts have given me more personal encouragement, wisdom and strength than you'll probably ever know.
When I first got here, I HATED some of the "tough stuff" the vets back then told me. Corri, NOPkins, Hairdog, and some of the others make Coach look like a lovable little puppy dog by comparison, and there were times I hated them for it.
But looking back -- and reading what they wrote to me -- I now see that 95% of it was TRUE, and I needed to hear it. And it was only thru their patient exhortation to me that I finally DID listen, and reach out to my wife in her pain and reconcile my marriage.
So no, I never felt "bullied." "Beat up" a little bit, yeah, but I needed it.
Thank you, btw, for your personal story and how you've encouraged me. I don't think I've ever told you that.
I appreciate the views and counseling from all of the vets. Each have their own style and tactics. However, the core theme that each vet brings is to help you see your own sitch objectively and focus on making you healthy so that you can endure the journey a head whatever the outcome maybe.
robx your style is more blunt and direct than others, but if the receiver listens to the message and not focus on the way it is delivered there is a wealth of knowledge to be had. There are only a few posters that I always go to and you are one. Your message is always direct and to the point and most importantly consistent.
