H in crisis and self medicating with OW

[nicole8]

I'm moving over here. I'm pretty sure that my 34 year old h is having a mid life crisis. To say the very least he is depressed. A year ago he would not utter the word depressed. But he is using the word now and actually admits that he is depressed. Still thinks he is a man and should be able to push through though. He thinks medication is for "wimps". He is a man so no medication for him. Frustrating.

We've been in a spiral with my H leaving and returning multiple times over the last year. Each time he comes home I can confirm with phone records that the OW has stopped talking with him. Almost Every time he breaks down crying and tells me he is unhappy with himself, life, work, money. Everything! Yet he still will do anything he can to get this ow to talk with him. He's left threatening messages with her and phones her multiple times. Really juvenile and not who I married. He has begun doing the same to me when I pull away from his drama and live my life. Then he figures he can't get ow and comes home to the dog and I. I'm almost confident that the high he gets from the disfunctional relationship with her is his way of self medicating. He seems to enjoy the chase. I did contact ow back in aug when my h left again. She and I had a very nice chat and she was appalled at how much he has lied to her. She claims she doesn't want to be the OW and doesn't want to break up a m..... But she is. She is 24 by the way. Much younger. She claims that after the initial anger wears off she does feel sorry for him and that is why she talks with him. Even after my h called her parents, sent them text messages about her being a home wrecker she still talks with him. I personally think she enjoys the attention to some degree.

Well now he has currently been back home for almost four weeks. If we make it to Monday that will be a record he over the last couple of days has become very distant and withdrawn. I get the feeling he is talking with ow but I can't confirm it. Or maybe he is upset because he can't get her to be a part of his life. I did have to go to court on my with my h lawyer. I refused to sign the form for confirmation of issues that wad due back in sept. So you go to court. Actually you meet with the commissioner. But I was very proud of myself for standing up there on my own and defending my m. The commissioner wanted to know why I didn't sign the form. I told him that my h actions have been VERY inconsistent over the last year and hd has now moved home AGAIN. H is also requesting sn extension of trial date so we can maybe reconcile. So I told him my intuition and gut feeling on it were correct. My h lawyer confirmed that he wants to file the extension and that was it. We have to wait and see if the judge will sign the extension. I'm sure he will. Especially because I filed earlier in sept that I revoked the joiner I signed agreeing to a divorce because I thought counseling would be good. We will see though.

For now I'm living with a man child who may or may not be home tonight. I half expect him to go back to his moms. Time will tell though. He just seems very down, irritable and lost. I can only live my life though. Not his.

[LanceSijan]

Welcome to the MLC board

Sounds like he is in OW withdrawal.
Now the question is will he continue on into depression stage and then withdrawal stage of MLC.
Or will he go back into replay.

Have you read the resources here?
If you need the links we can get Cadet to come by and post them to you.

The general thing about MLC is that you work on improving yourself.
You try to outlast his MLC.
Are you up for that?
If you are looking for a tactic this is the wrong place.

Keep asking questions they are good.

[Truegritter]

Nicole

Welcome to these boards.

It looks like you have been here a while so you know that you may be dealing with something other than just a WAS.

We are not mental health professionals so you need to keep that in mind and that there is always a possibility that your H may a need professional to make it through his crisis.

THAT is his choice.

His depression may have to be dealt with professionally is what I am saying.

Here we focus on you because that is the only thing you can control.

Your healing, your part in all this, your growth and THEN the possibility that your M may be saved.

You'll meet some great people here so keep posting.

[punkin]

Nicole,

I don't feel I can offer you anything you don't already know, having been living this for a year now, but I even TOLD the OW she was a bandaide on a gunshot wound, and that if she really cared about him she would want him to get help. (PTSD & Alcoholism)As Grit said above, we can't do this for them. All we can do is try to take as good of care of ourselves as we would them if they were allowing us to. I agree with Lance that your H sound like he is going through OW withdrawal. Read the resource materials that will be coming your way soon, and keep your head up. It's a tough row to hoe, but definitely worth the trip.

[nicole8]

WOW, thanks everyone for all the support. I am definately working on myself and have been for quite some time. I'm very guilty though of just picking up the slack for my h. I'm a just get it done type of person and am good at multi tasking. This has been very bad for my m and my h over the last 4-5 years. I thought I was being helpful by doing everything and anything so my h could be with and help his mom with his terminally I'll father. I wanted him to spend as much time helping his mom as possible. His dad died at home so the day to day care as his dad got more weak became to much for his mom. Then he died and my husbands "pack leader" is no longer here for him. He misses his dad so much and doesn't really talk about it. I would ask him what is wrong and he just can't tell me and he stares into space. I've asked if he wishes his dad were here to guide him and talk with and he always says "yes" very quickly. Looking back the more lost and depressed he became the more withdrawn he became and the more I did everything for him. And I mean everything. My h is also very unhappy with the multiple jobs he has and he just can't find his notch in life where he feels like he is doing something rewarding and can support me. I make more money than him. He says it doesn't bother him, pretty sure it does though.

So my point of the above loooong paragraph is that my h and I both have a long way to go. I'm trying really hard. My challenge at hand now will be to NOT respond to his spewing. He told me that he was staying at his moms last night (I call her house the all inclusive resort). His reason for staying there last night was that "it's what he needs right now". Which translated means he is talking with the ow. I sent the ow a text last night letting her know that he has been at home the last four weeks and not at his moms as she was probably told and that my h filed the papers asking for an extension from the court. I almost immediately got a text from my h saying "really, WTF?" followed by "your not helping matters Nicole". He is an idiot. He just confirmed he is talking with her. chose to not respond. I imagine he will get very angry with me today and will most likely become very irrational and spew non sense at me. Can't wait.

I've decided to hold strong and pull away very far. Farther than I have in the past. This will be very hard for me but is necessary He's never really felt me fully pull away. I've always stayed in the back ground and been supportive of his "crisis". When the ow starts to flake or not commit he will start to question me. It's a very sick visious cycle.

I know my h needs medical help. He I think knows to but isn't really ready to admit it and THAT is his problem. No i know he knows but he again is a man and men dont take meds. Its ok for his cousin, brother and anyone else though he still thinks he can tough it out. Toughing it out currently means "ow" high.

So here I go. Day one of being as strong as I can for Nicole and not feeding into my h's drama because im positive that the drama is set to arrive before long. I will have to wait and see. I need to get lots of sleep/rest as I feel a cold coming. Nothing a PMA can't fight though .

[fisherman]

I sent the ow a text last night letting her know that he has been at home the last four weeks and not at his moms as she was probably told and that my h filed the papers asking for an extension from the court. I almost immediately got a text from my h saying "really, WTF?" followed by "your not helping matters Nicole". He is an idiot.

He might be, but he's dead on about texting the ow not helping. She's not worth it and won't listen anyway.



[quote]So here I go. Day one of being as strong as I can for Nicole and not feeding into my h's drama because im positive that the drama is set to arrive before long.

Communication to or about the OW is a sure fire way to get caught up in and actually fuel the drama.

[fisherman]

Sorry....Hopefully you can still read that and hopefully the genius who decided to disable the edit feature will see the light soon.

[nicole8]

I realize that it fuels the drama. I also feel a little fuel to the fire is needed to bust it up. I have nothing more to say to her. She knows what she is doing.

The panic it will instill in my h is needed in my opinion. He doesn't seem to think he is doing anything wrong as long as he is at his moms house. Really I honestly think he believes this.

I definately think lance is right on that he is/was in ow withdrawal. He seems to be able to handle it for two weeks or so and then a depression sets in. The last time they stopped talking she had told him he needed to get help. That upset him.

[fisherman]

The panic it will instill in my h is needed in my opinion.

Things aren't always what they appear to be, especially when we make assumptions. I think it may be safe to say that he feels the guilt and pressure from day to day all on his own. That may be where the anger spews come from.

It may be more healthy to base your actions on what is good for you instead of what it may or may not make him feel.

[ericmsant2]

Nicole

Welcome to the worse place you want to be. I am sorry that you find yourself here and offer up a welcome on behalf of all of my DB buddies. That said, as Grit and Punkin already mentioned to you, the focus that you will need to have is on YOURSELF. Fix YOU and maybe…just maybe your can reconcile your M.

Someone should be around shortly with some resources that I really suggest that you read, print out and…staple some of them to your head  .

Dealing with someone in a “life crisis” is NOT for the weak of heart. In the end, all of us will need to chose how we life OUR lives.

Before I respond to your post I have just a few questions for you.

Do you love your H? And I mean really love him?
Can you wait until he wakes the f*ck up?
Can you look inside YOURSELF and I mean really look inside yourself?
Can you give up total control of YOUR H?

Think about these for a few days and then let me know what your response are.

Okay regarding your post:

I am definately working on myself and have been for quite some time.

What does this ^^^ mean? What are you working on? What areas are you trying to change?

Looking back the more lost and depressed he became the more withdrawn he became and the more I did everything for him. And I mean everything.

I assume that you have already read Divorce Remedy and so I would like to suggest another good book for you – “Co Dependent no more”. A very good read and one based on your post may be a very good book for you.

I make more money than him. He says it doesn't bother him, pretty sure it does though.

Personally, the fact that YOU brought this up tells me that maybe this is an issue for YOU. One that you really do not care to look at. I may be wrong but…..

my h and I both have a long way to go

Define long? Personally, anytime I try to measure something I fail. Why not just take things day be day and stop telling YOURSELF just how long it will take.

I sent the ow a text last night letting her know that he has been at home the last four weeks and not at his moms as she was probably told and that my h filed the papers asking for an extension from the court.

Well at least you didn’t invite the OW over for tea. Seriously, Nicole why are contacting the OW? Do you think that you can convince her or your H for that matter to stop the nonsense? Do you really think that by YOUR WORDS instead of YOUR ACTIONS you can change things. Another point I want to make is that by contacting her you in essence are manipulating the sitch. Your message about what and where your H has been was in my opinion total manipulation. Why do I say this? I suspect that you wanted OW to know so that SHE could tell YOUR H it is over. What would you call this?

AND because you called her, your H respond with HIS BOUNDARY, which was…

"really, WTF?" followed by "your not helping matters Nicole"

The “your not helping matters” response from your H is very telling (at least to me).

Nicole was one of your H’s complaints that you were a little controlling? Just wondering. If so, would you agree? If not, then read what you posted again.

I imagine he will get very angry with me today and will most likely become very irrational and spew non sense at me.

Ayep – I would agree with YOU here. Do you see where YOU played a role in his anger? Can you see that you pushed and he wanted space BUT you still pushed and NOW he is angry.

Nicole – MLC rule # 1 – try not to get them pissed off at YOU. Remember they usually are already blaming you for all of their unhappiness. So anything you do to them just adds fuel to the fire.

How about instead of calling OW…you begin to live your life.

I've decided to hold strong and pull away very far. Farther than I have in the past.

IF you are pulling back to punish him – then personally I think that is the wrong call. IF you are pulling back to PROTECT YOU, well then I’m with ya!

Nicole, think about those questions that I asked….

BTW, one more question – why are you here?

God Bless,
Eric