H in crisis and self medicating with OW

[nicole8]

Maybe my h is an "alcoholic" of sorts. My bff pointed out something very interesting. Each time my h comes home for whatever reason, its as if he gives up the "alcohol", aka, the OW. Then after a period of time he "falls off the wagon", ie: he contacts the OW. This is the part that I think is interesting. My h has been very quiet since he left again last wednesday. My bff thinks that the ow has only given him a "single beer" so far. In other words he hasn't won her back completely. But once she does take him back or gives him a "six pack of beer", that's when he turns into a drunk again.

Hahaha, this is so funny to me.

[angel61]

Is your husband the type of gets obsessive with things? My H ois like that - it used to be hunting, now I feel it is the OW. he says "I need to go out and walk in the supermarket to clear my thoughts" it means he is going to call OW.
Its all the same. I also notice that when OW pulls away, he is back with me. We do live together, so what I mean is that he is back emotionally. She does that - gets all "guilty" and just "friendly". Then she starts playing again, "missing him" and he pulls away from me and goes back to her emotionally.Its is so tiring - the roller coaster.
Its funny, sometimes, but again, its our life so its not!
I don't know when this cycle will change. I DB, but again, backsliding can't be helped. It seems that detaching, especially when you live together, is easier said than done.

[nicole8]

Angel---umm yes my h is very obsessive about things as of the last 4 years or so (I think it is a crutch he has used for the depression). First it was remote control planes, remote control boats, had to get a new car, had to have scuba gear, have to build a fishing platform. Now it is the OW. I believe in my h's case he becomes way to much for the ow to handle. He flips out when she distances herself from him or doesn't spend 100% of her time with him. She told him about a month ago that she thought he needed help. He told her that he couldn't believe she was acting this way after all the money he spent on her. Really? Are you kidding?

It is sort of funny at times but then I do also remember that it is my life so it isn't funny at all.

I truly think the cycle will not stop until my h decides that it will stop. I've been waaaaay to nice to him every time he comes home. I see pain in his eyes and he is lost and I just can't help feeling sorry for him. BUT he is making bad decisions. I'm trying really hard to be dark. It's been 7 days now and nothing from the h. A judge was ruling today about moving our court day back 90 days in hopes of reconciling. However, my h left again because he just has to get a "fix" from the OW.

I'm also trying to come up with what I am going to say when I do see or talk with him. I'm not sure which h it will be though because his moods change. Another thing to think about is...what do I say if he comes home again? The only things I can come up with are:
* Do you want to commit to our M?
* What's different now?
* Are you willing to wear your wedding ring?
* Are you willing to remove the petitiona for divorce?
* Are you willing to block ow from calling?

I'm not sure what to think or do. Most of the above still seems controlling and an ultimatum in a way. My DB coach has said that he needs to feel as if he is losing you and has to win me back. He's had to do pretty much nothing for himself for a very long time and he needs some pride in doing something. Sooo, I need to buckle up and stop being here for him everytime. He's got to think I might actually want to be divorced.

[angel61]

Nicole, yes, thats the risk. I heard that too, and from two of my friends in real life whose H's had A's. They both said when the H realized that they were willing to be leave, that when the tide turned. Actually, for me, I noticed change the day I told my H that if not for D, i would leave, because although I love him, no one could stand the pain everyday.

[nicole8]

I'm having a really hard time being patient and just waiting for my h. I want him to be home again but things need to be different than the last million times he has come back. Oh, and the contact with OW has got to stop.

This week he has been somewhat "weird" again. I asked if we could talk on Sunday and he said he was at work until midnight. I thought he was going to his mom's but he started texting me and seemed irritated when I told him I didn't want to talk via text messaging. Monday night we had some snow and big winds. My power went out. My h texted immediately to ask if I lost power also, because his mom had too. The next morning he asked if I needed a ride to work. I told him that would be great and he came right over to get me. Very nice of him. My car is all- wheel drive but doesn't have traction tires. I thanked him and he said he had to work that evening so he would need to pick me up early possible so he could get to work on time. I told him not to worry I was going to ask a co-worker to drive me. He got upset and said "nicole, that's not the point". He obviously wanted to drive me home. I backed down and told him it would be great if he could get me and I'm sure we would be leaving early anyway because of snow/ice. He said to just let him know what time and he would be there. On the way home I appologize for the confusion text messaging the night before. I had been confused if he was coming by the house or not. He said "ok, I would have done whatever you wanted"...wtf. I still think he is waiting again for me to tell him to come home and that I do still love him. It seems to be the game he plays where he acts all sad like no one wants him.

Later that night while he was at work he sent a message, "great talk". I still think this is his way of provoking me and at the same time making sure I'm still playing his game. I told him talking in the car for 10 minutes wasn't the best thing and besides I told him I felt he was irritable at me. He just responded "...ok". I left it at that and went to sleep. At 12:30 in the morning he sends a text asking if I needed a ride to work in the morning. I told him that if he was willing that would be great. He said he would be at the house as quick as he could in the am. Once he arrived I was still in bed and I went to get ready. I came out and he had turned on the fire place and grabbed a blanket to lie down. It then took me the next 30-40 minutes to get him up. I was late to work which is no biggie because of the snow/ice. I did make him a tea and an english muffin. He thanked me and seemed in a pretty good mood and was smiling some. He picked me up again that evening and asked if I needed to stop at the grocery store or go to my favorite place to get something to go. Hmmm, I'm not sure what to make of any of this.

I'm having a really hard time being in the same place over and over with no real change. The DB coach I've spoke with has said on more than one occassion that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. So, I feel like I have been doing the same thing over and over. I don't know what to do different.... I'm stuck and just plain tired of this.

[Albuquerque]

Nicole,

I haven't followed your sitch all that closely, but here's just a few things that I observed.

It seems that you are bending over backwards to do things the way H wants.

He wants to drive you home. You already made plans. He gets cranky. You change.

He wants to drive you to work, you say OK, he shows up and falls asleep, you let yourself get to work late while simultaneously feeding him and giving him tea.

Yes, it was nice of him to show up to drive you to work. But if he's going to just go to sleep, I probably would have driven myself and not bothered waking him up. Or else, that would have been the last time I would have accepted his "help". Seems like he's kind of "forcing" himself on you and you are just accepting it. What do YOU really want? I get the sense that your H "needs to be needed". That places you in the role of a being a needy person in order to satisfy him. Is that what you want? If not, then you need to become more self sufficient and DENY him the opportunity to be needed. Yes, getting a ride in a better car may be a big help, but perhaps it's time to stop enabling his neediness and start standing for yourself. It won't be easy, but it will be different.

[nicole8]

Alb, thanks for the advice above. In the past my h has told me that I don't need him and that I would be fine without him. True, I can take care of and do everything for myself. But how does this make him feel. A person needs to feel valued and needed in life. Ordinarily, I would have told him that I can get to work on my own. BUT, as a 180, I accepted his offer. It seemed to please him that he was doing something for me and helping me. This is actually one of the 5 Love languages. acts of service. The reason he fell asleep was because he had been awake for over 24 hours (night worker) and still took the time to come over and drive me to work. Again, I think this is important, he could have just not even offered. He knows I could ask others to drive me. These new offers of doing things for me are different in our situation....

[awest1217]

Based on my sitch, which did not turn out well, I would say for you to take care of you. I really feel what I got out of DBing is that you need to change you to make yourself someone that you like and want to be. As you change, you will cause other people to treat you differently because you will set boundaries on how you want to be treated. People will learn those boundaries by your actions, not by you telling them. Like when my students do something wrong they learn real quick the look I give them and learn that behavior is not acceptable. I don't always have to tell sit down and tell that it is not ok (now some students I do if they continually break the rules).

I would say to try something different is to focus on you. H needs help, but is not willing so just forget about him. If he calls or wants to talk, in a respectful way, you can, but don't change you to fit him. You be you and change to be a person you like and want to be. Don't worry about H. I learned that I was very controlling, but am working on that and am doing much better.

Also look at DR or DB and see the other methods given. There is more than just not talking in there. Reread some of the ideas and give them a try.

Also leave OW alone. I tried the talking to OW and it doesn't work. I am realizing now that it will all come out in the end. Some people will accept it and others will hate it, but that is up to them. OW knows he is still married so if she chooses to continue that is her problem, and H's problem. Not yours.

I know all of this is hard, but this is coming from my experience the last two years.

[nicole8]

just journaling:....my h still seems to be very confused. He is still at his Mom's house. I sent his mom an email back in September after he left again one of the last times. She had expressed to me briefly a few weeks prior to the email that she though my h could benefit from depression medication. In the email I told her the things he had expressed to me. I told her that we had talked about him being depressed but that he was unwilling to get help because he is a "man" and men just need to get over it. I also told her that I believed he was talking with the OW again. I ended the email that regardless if we were married or not, I still cared for him very much. She never responded and I was never sure if she received the email. Well aparently she did get the email and kept it because my h said she left her email open the other day and he read it. He was not pleased I wrote her. This happened on Sunday.

Yesterday (friday) we received an offer on our house. My h arrived 30 minutes before the buyers agent came over. He asked lots of questions about me. Weird. He just now noticed that I colored my hair, got new shoes and jeans. Weird. After the agent left we talked about the offer. It is not full price but it is pretty good. I figured that he would demand we take the offer because it would get us out of the mortgage and basically help pay off our debt. Which would "free" him from our marriage. This wasn't how he approached it. He asked if I even wanted to sell the house still. Really? I asked him if he did. He said he does like some things about the house and he wasn't sure. We talked more about how a different house with a different payment would help us financially and we would be able to have a better quality of life. Then he asked if we sold the house and the divorce did go through if I would be ok with x,xxx amount of money. I told him I would be fine either way but that wasn't what I wanted. I asked if he would be ok. He said he didn't care about himself, just me.

Then I asked him if he was getting stressed by this and he just wanted me to make the decision. He said yes. He then told me that he went to the doctor. I asked for what. He said, Nicole you know why. I was SHOCKED! He actually went to a doctor for depression. The fact that he made an appointment and actually went is still so shocking to me. I almost started to cry... he told me he's not sick. He has three more follow up appointments. Hopefully he goes to them. He joked a bit about how he had to spill all sorts of things and the Dr. took three pages of notes. The fact that he even took this step and shared the information with me is interesting.

We then went to dinner and just talked about fun things. nothing more about depression or the house selling. When we left dinner he got in his truck and left. I'm almost positive that If I told him to just come home he would have. He is just so lost. I have no clue if he is still talking with the ow. He sure wan't secretly checking his phone like he has in the past though.......

[AntoniaB]

This is the first I read about your situation and I guess I'd say that I think it's good that he is seeking help for depression and such, but that you still need to do what you can to protect yourself financially. My H is NOT seeking help for depression and I still believe it's a major issue with him. We will be divorced in a few weeks. I want him back, and I miss him terribly, but I also know that this may not ever be a possibility, so I am going to refinance the house to be able to pay it off and pay out his equity. If he "comes to his senses" at some point, so be it. I'm not going to be financially strapped because he is out there "finding himself."

So I guess I would say that I understand the confusion you feel if he is in the picture/out of the picture in any way with you--but please just take care of yourself. You can't be the one to pull that marriage back together if you've fallen apart--should he want to come back. And if he doesn't, then you can't move on if you don't take care of yourself. Best of luck!!!