H in crisis and self medicating with OW

[awest1217]

I agree with the above. You need to start thinking in terms on you and not us. You need to think about the offer and decide if you want it for you. Would it be better for you if you sold the house and got a smaller one? Is it really a good offer? If you could get out of this one, but get a better one with a mortgage that was less that you could afford on your own if H leave, would that be better?

I am glad that H is going to the doctor, but you still have a long way with him and it is true that you need to think about not just you but both of you financially. If you do reconcile, maybe it would be good to have a new place to build your new relationship in?

Just things to think about not things to do. Really think before you turn anything down because you may not get another offer for a while and if this is a good one you may not get that for years.

[angel61]

Hi Nicole,

I was reading your thread again and identifying more with you because my H and OW are no longer in contact at this point and my H is in withdrawal. OW stopped talking to him, and he couldn't stand it and decided to cut it off. At first I was so happy, then when he started not talking to me too, and then even being angry with me and unreasonable, I was floored!
After reading your sitch I realize I have a long way to go.
We also are trying to sell a house - H feels that his MLC (he knows he is but I don't know if he is reading, but he has not gone to the MD)stems from our finances.
WE live together and have a D11 so I guess his obligations as a dad saves us from completely falling apart.
But sometimes its me who almost wants to give up at times - can't stand the pain. Also, can't help being a door mat. Even my D11 says I allow him too much, but its hard to set boundaries with a crazy person.

[nicole8]

Yep it happened again. My h has been home for just over four weeks now. He left this last time for about four weeks. He seems different. Just before he came home we got an offer on our house. I think this was an awakening of sorts for him. He instantly wanted to find a new house and we did find one. We've made an offer and things are moving along smoothly. The ow appears to be out of the picture. I don't have any way of verifying.... Except by asking her. I don't want to do that.

My h seems different and really seems to be trying. He talks about us doing things together now... And the future. He gave me a gift certificate for a nights stay at a resort for us. In the card he apologized for everything he has done to me and can't begin to apologize for it all. And that he cares for me and can't begin to tell me how much I mean to him. He signed love, mr Nicole. This is the nicest most sincere thing he has done in over a year. I'm not sure what to make of it.

My h seems to be in betters moods if he is working or we spend time together. The days he doesn't work seem to bring out the "blues" in him. He has bad dreams and told me the other night that he doesn't know why his head is so f'd up. I asked what I could do and he said nothing that it was on him and he had to deal with it. He has been to a dr twice for depression but won't talk about it

I am still on edge. I'm trying not to double or even triple guess everything single thing he does. I have no clue if he is talking to ow.... Not sure if I should bring it up. Don't think it will bring a positive light to our relationship and the positive steps we have made. So at this point i am moving one day at a time.

[AntoniaB]

You sound good, positive, and I'm glad to hear it's one day at a time for you. That's the best approach.

[TulsaTime]

Great news Nicole.

Time will tell whether he is truly remorseful. I can tell you from experience that ones feelings can change for the better.

[sarahani]

Nicole as I read your sitch I could have swore it was me writing it. My husband and I are both 32 and I never thought MLC can happen in your 30's. We have 2 small children so it really stinks for them but I've been going back and forth on thinking if this is worth it because the energy I am putting into this is wearing me down. I truly love him that is the only thing I know for sure right now. My H's OW is a real b**** though the times that he would try to make our M work she would pursue him so much that 1 bad step and he would go back to her. Our R issues started back in August when I found out about OW and he went back and forth to his moms and home but after a while I just said I can't do this no more and moved into my parents house so he had no coice but to stay there. He now says it's "done" between us but calls me almost everyday to talk to the kids and sneaks in a "where are you" all the time. I'm so confused I wish this was just a simple fix.

[seeking answers]

Sarahani,

Where people get mixed up is when they read the word Mid. People are never too young to go through a Life Crisis. I have read that we go through life transitions about every 7 - 10 years. A life crisis occurs when one of these transitions goes way off the tracks.

I believe that it's the Mid Life Crisis that gets the most attention because it seems to be the one that is the most notable.

Your H definitely sounds as if he's going through a crisis and you're along for the ride. The advice here would be the same. Detach, set boundaries for you that can be enforced, go as dark as you can.

Nicole, sorry to hi-jack your thread.

Sarahani if you have a thread here, sorry I missed it. If you don't, start one, read and ask questions. What your H is going through is really no different than the crisis that the ones that are older are going through and the same advice will apply.

[sarahani]

Thank you Seeking, I have a thread in newcomers but it wasn't till I started reading up on MLC that I related. I will start a new thread here.

[nicole8]

Journaling: h has been home almost six weeks. This is a new record. I still find myself second guessing most of what he says and does. I try to not let it show. I'm just trusting and trying to be the wife I would want if I was him.

The h and I are communicating and having more fun together than we have in a really long time. He does still seem to be struggling with motivation in his life in general. He still says that he can't get motivated or get out of the way of himself. No comments though about being unsure of our marriage, if he shOuld be living at the house, etc. This is new and refreshing.

We are nearing the sale of our house and purchase of the new house. It is stressful but we both seem to be working together very well on this. Sort of like "old times" but better.

I do have more hope today than ever. I still love my h more than ever and he has asked me a couple times..."do you still love me"? It's like he can't believe it and doesn't think he deserves it.

Still going day by day and trying to not think of the past just look to the future. H is at the dr again today. He thought the appointment was a waste of his time last time. He went again today though, which surprised me. I'm hopeful that he gets something positive from it.

[awest1217]

It is always good to have a common project for you and H to do together. After you move, it might be good to come up with some activity or hobby that you two can share. It is important to have your one individual activities, but is there an interest you both share that you can do once a week or once a day. Something like yoga, going to the gym (which can help H's depression) or something like taking a college class together like creative writing, or volunteer somewhere, etc. anything that you will keep you working together and to have a common ground to talk about.

Glad things are going well and that H is getting the help he needs. Keep going day by day and if you do something that is abrasive don't beat yourself up because everyone is human, but say you are sorry. Keep up the great work!