Journaling again and it looks like it has been quite awhile. My h has now been home for almost 7 months. WOW! Didn't think this would be where we are today. My h has stopped going to the dr. He only went three times.
We have since moved to our new home which I love. We are saving money so that is great. We've of course had a few stresses and things happen with the new house. As is expected My h handles himself very differently than he did in the past. In the past he became very upset, irritable and just plain unmanageable if he was stressed or overwhelmed. You couldn't reason or point out the "positive" to him. He seems to be really trying and is aware of his mood. That doesn't mean I don't think he is depressed still.
Not everything is perfect though. He became upset and mad about a stupid conversation at his mom's house one day back in April. He was so mad and I just didn't engage him. As a matter of fact I just left the house when it became clear he would rather sit and fester. He was gone at work that night. I said nothing to him the next morning when he came home and just went to work. No phone calls, texts or nothing that evening while he was at work the second night. The following day I took my time getting home after work. He was Obviously wondering if I was going to come home. I was ten minutes late and he was texting to find out where I was at.
Finally, in May he said he wanted to switch his phone to our account. I found this very interesting and a huge step. A few weeks earlier I had asked him to show me who was texting and he refused because it's his phone. Hmm, I just left the house for the day. I find that unacceptable. Well he tried to call and text a couple of times that day. I came home late and he was upset and he didnt know if I was alive or dead. We talked some and I stuck my ground about the phone and then he said he thought "maybe we should be divorced". Whatever. I just went to sleep and ignored him again for the next two days. He's still here and that was early May. Two weeks later he asks if i will order a new phone for him to be on a plan with him. WHAT? Does he realize I can see every person he talks/texts to?
At this point I don't believe he is talking/texting with anyone he shouldnt be. The past behavior and mannerisms aren't there. So I order the phone with his help. It arrives......we have a fun morning and I plug his new iPhone in to sync with our computer. Well wouldn't you know some text messages come through from a girl. Oh by text messages I mean photos of some girls boobs, panties and her asking him if we are still married can he come over.....WTF. I was livid. I threw his phone at him and took off on my bike. Came back and he claims it's some girl who he doesn't want texting him and he hasn't responded. Convenient answer. Well, he said he never responded because he wants to be here with me, blah, blah, blah. I was angry the rest of the day.
I know I shouldn't but I have checked his Facebook and phone records. There is nothing. Nothing to cause any concern. We went on a cruise with my parents at the end of May. It was so much fun. My h said that the exercise we were doing was helpful for his depression. I believe that. He was in a great mood and his whole attitude has been good. He is actually being the h I need and deserve. There are of course things I'm being patient about.
I'm definitely optimistic that my h has seen the light and figured out that his wife isn't to blame for his personal problems. We will see. I still constantly think that he might not come home or that he is being deceptive. But, I'm trying to trust and just let myself work through my own personal heeling.
M 35, husband 35 M 10 Limbo 9/2009-12/2010 he left for his moms and came home way to many times to count Home 12/2010-present
have you tried Retrovaille? It's a weekend retreat for marriages that are facing challenges. It also has several follow up sessions. It includes a novel way to learn to hear your partner's viewpoint without getting angry. That's priceless. The host couples (usually 3-4 pairs) have gone through hell and back and are content in their m's and well worth hearing.
The follow up sessions are optional, monthly or maybe every 6 weeks so they're very manageable.
The weekend itself is a life changer for many couples. We were piecing back together, adjusting to life as an intact family, for a year and we sort of hit a wall. Some old patterns were re-emerging that scared me.
We Looked up Retrovaille and learned that it was on our anniversary & they were hosting it in our city for its' sole annual turn.... Wow...geez
[b] We decided that the universe doesn't get much clearer than that so we signed on. Thank goodness b/c it really gave us a kick in the pants in good ways. [/b] Anyhow, it was Retrovaille's weekend that made me believe we were 'making it" and had gotten through the worst, and still had some sparks left after all.
even though I say "never say never", and "marriage is always a work in progress"
Retrovaille made me feel as if we finally had closure on our crisis of +2 years.
I highly recommend it.
sounds as if you are in piecing and in some ways are a bit stuck. Or he is.
And you probably realize by now, leaving him alone to work it out, can mean ignoring a serious problem. It's a dilemma for you. On one hand he wants/needs space to own his personal problems, which is healthy of him and you.
OTOH, if HE doesn't own it or face it or work through it, you suffer too. Fine line....
which is why I recommend a "joint" activity, a couple's weekend or retreat so it's not all "his fault", AND so YOU can feel like YOU have a bit of control in your r.
(You both will). Good luck
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Husband has been home 9 months now. He seems to be somewhat happier now. Things are faaaaar from perfect. However, we seem to be communicati g more than we have in the past. He seems to be trying to control his anger or frustration I know he has. Normally, he would blow this towards me and he isn't doing that.
My biggest frustration now is that he isn't wearing his wedding ring. I hate facebook.... But he does not acknowledge on facebook that we are married.... I'm torn between putting my foot down on this or just letting it be.
What do I do?
M 35, husband 35 M 10 Limbo 9/2009-12/2010 he left for his moms and came home way to many times to count Home 12/2010-present
....My husband has been home almost two years now. Our relationship has done almost a complete 180 from what it used to be. We are doing more things together...ie. just spending time together. H used to work nights/weekends. I didn't have the same schedule. Looking back this was difficult. H now works a strange schedule but it is different because it allows us to see each other more, which is great.
The moodiness, irritability, strange behavior and just plain jerk seem to be gone... for the most part. He still seems stressed as he is in school and it is difficult for him. He is telling me more how he "feels" and I am trying hard to just listen to what he says.... Then validate it. For example " yes, I know your worried about work, school, money, etc but why don't you just finish your school paper right now". I've learned that just trying to breakdown the things he is worried about helps him. Almost as if he needs permission to not worry about something else right now.
We also are taking a financial class together. It's amazing how it has opened up our communication about what we both want. Before, my h acted almost immature because he wanted "stuff" that I thought we couldn't afford. He never in my opinion knew what things cost or how expenses impacted our bank account. He works so why can't we do x, y and z??? So we are working together more than ever. We even made a budget for our Christmas gifts this year. I can't even explain how awesome it felt to me that now we know who we are buying gifts for and how much we will spend. Before we would go somewhere and h would want to buy a bunch of gifts. I would cringe knowing how much money we did or didn't have and that most of the gifts were not realistically couldn't afford. It felt really good to tell my h after working the budget how I felt in the past and it made me happy to work on this together. Long story short he told our entire class that night what we had done and how relieved both of us felt. We both are working together more than ever. It feels really good.
I didn't think we could ever be in the place we are. Certainly three years ago I thought for sure he had lost it. Our story is long but my h losing his father was I believe too much for him to handle and caused him to just break down. He's become close friends in the last year and a half with an older guy. This friend is an all around great guy. He's about 15 years older than my h and I think it's just great he has someone to just talk to. His friend might actually be one of the best positive changes for him. He has someone to talk with that doesn't judge him and they have similar beliefs. They talk almost everyday And I think this is a great valuable relationship for him.
Were moving forward in a more positive direction than ever. I never would have thought it was possible with all the drama before. But now I know that time, patience, listening and change can make a difference. I hope this gives someone else hope for their own life.
M 35, husband 35 M 10 Limbo 9/2009-12/2010 he left for his moms and came home way to many times to count Home 12/2010-present
nicole, This is great news. Don't drop the db techniques. You can use them throughout your day-to-day interactions w/your h and others.
I'm very happy for you! Congratulations!
Please come by and post more often...don't be a stranger.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My h handles himself very differently than he did in the past. In the past he became very upset, irritable and just plain unmanageable if he was stressed or overwhelmed. You couldn't reason or point out the "positive" to him. He seems to be really trying and is aware of his mood. That doesn't mean I don't think he is depressed still. 
