The problem with all of this is that at this point I don't believe much of what she says. My W, friends and relatives have all told me that I have become a much better person, father and husband. Of course after saying this, W usually has said problem with M is her not me! When it comes to sex, I have been the one to read, get videos etc and try to expand the boundaries, she just seems to cheat.
How do I deal with requests from W to go together to see a divorce mediator. She claims she doesn't want to file with a lawyer because it is too expensive. I have told her to just file if she wants to. W says she wants to get the ball rolling because she is concerned about me and the kids and thinks the situation isn't fair to us. Any suggestions?
You are living in an Open Marriage. Is that what you want? (my assumption based on your post is that you do not) I am not judging, but I can tell you that I grant nobody the permission to have sex with my wife.
My first recommendation is to read RobX posts and rehearse in front of a mirror.
Net/net you need to pull a complete 180 for you - write down all of your common behaviors and immediately initiate the opposite:
* I send SMS messages to my wife complementing her or telling her I 'love' her. --- stop sending SMS
* When she calls and asks me to do something I drop what I am doing and answer the phone --- stop answering the phone
* You buy the groceries --- stop grocery shopping
* You initiate conversations --- let her pick every conversation, meet your conversational needs somewhere else
I recommend reading a bunch of RobX posts and letting it sink in. You can do the above and have the conversation he mentions (must do!) if you overcome your fear. The Fear of 'losing' your wife; once you accept that you already 'lost' her then the conversation should be easy.
Okay, here's my opinion which will probably be unpopular, too. Your wife has serious issues and if she does not resolve them she will never be capable of having an honest, healthy, relationship with anyone. Nothing you can do will resolve that. The best you can do is try to mitigate damage in order to stay married in the hopes that she will get the help she needs. But if she doesn't get help - she will remain toxic to herself and others no matter what you do.
Granted, my opinion is based on my own limited knowledge and the info you have provided here. However, I do think that we often make the mistake of thinking that because we are not perfect, the breakdown in the marriage is primarily our fault and that if we can fix our own relatively minor issues we can save our marriage. Let's face it, though. When a WAS's issues are so large, fixing our own "normal" relationship issues is not going to solve the larger problem.
Sorry for the negative viewpoint. I know your heart is breaking.
You are right about the open marriage and that I don't want it. I have done 180's wherever I can and will continue to do so. I have begun to go thru Robx's posts and it has given me much to think about. I guess there will come a point, sooner or later, once I overcome my fear, to have that conversation with her. We had a long conversation, initiated by her, where she explained her feeling about the M. About me being away at work, not going grocery shopping with her, letting her go out when I was exhausted from work instead of making her stay home etc. Mostly BS excuses for her behavior I think. But I mostly just listened.
Thank you for your opinion. Currently, I am doing 180's, changing how I behave if I think her complaints are justified for the best interest of myself and the kids. I don't plan on moving out. If she wants to take the kids and move in with the OM that is fine although I will miss the kids (nothing I can do to stop her there). I think she has some valid points about my behavior, but I believe they are minor faults that she is using as excuses to justify her behavior. She has seemed to respond to a friendly but detached approach so i will contue that until I have had a chance to think about more specific goals after researching/getting opinions from you guys.
No worries. I think what she really means is that I am not good at generating attraction. That and early in the marriage was big learning curve sexually due to my relative lack of experience compared to her. Sometimes she has said that she has felt that I was raw clay and that she is tired of forming me into the finished product! I am really only trully beginning to understand the indirect (female) communication she uses as opposed to the direct communication style I live and work with. Makes knowing what is true and untrue difficult. I do agree that the open marriage idea is most often a failure though.
I agree with you. I think she has much bigger issues than the ones she has pointed out in me. However, attempts in the past to point these out and get her to address them (by me and others including MC) have been counter productive. I imagine she has to get there on her own. I think that instead of getting help she is self medicating with the high of new relationships.
I don't plan on moving out. If she wants to take the kids and move in with the OM that is fine although I will miss the kids (nothing I can do to stop her there).
Why do you think that you can't keep your children at home if that's what you want to do? It sounds like you may need to seek some legal advice just to be informed of your options. By the way, it seems like she is pushing for the mediator because she wants you to pay for the D and it will seem like more of a mutal decision in mediation. You don't have to agree to it. Find out how you can protect yourself and your kids.
I think you are right about the mediator. I don't think she wants to be the one to end it on her own. She uses the excuse that the traditional route is more expensive but I think she just doesn't want to take the responsibility for ending it. I told her I am not going to a mediator and I am not paying for her to go to one (Let the OM foot the bill) You right, I will have to talk to my lawyer about the kids issue before divorce. In this state after divorce, the primary caregiver ie W, gets physical custody while we would share joint legal custody, regardless of what took place during the marriage.
