I've been separated from WAW for over a month, after having discovered her affair with OM. I've been DBing for the past month and have had good results. Last week she suggested that we start dating again, only to find out later that she spent the following weekend with OM. This prompted a discussion regarding my boundaries: that I could not date her if she was dating OM and that her dishonesty was harming our friendship. The next morning before her meeting with her IC, she spent about an hour venting about the past, trying to justify her position for leaving me. After her meeting with the IC, she goes dark. We've had almost no contact for 4 days.
New development:
This morning, she tells me that she wants to come back. I wasn't prepared for this, so when the phone rang I took the opportunity to cut our conversation short. We were both already running late, so we said our goodbyes and agreed to continue the discussion later.
I'm excited, of course, but we haven't been separated for very long and I'm apprehensive about moving too fast. I don't want us to fall back into our old habits. I know that I have changed, but she hasn't even been trying. I need a plan. This is what I have so far:
1) We stay separated and start dating. 2) She breaks contact with OM. 3) We find a new MC 4) We move slow
This prompted a discussion regarding my boundaries: that I could not date her if she was dating OM and that her dishonesty was harming our friendship.
And you were advised not to do this and it worked. It doesn't take lots of time when you do the right things. Amazing. Men take notice of what is attractive to women.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
And let's be clear, so that you KNOW what changes to keep going.
1)She was cheating, and did lie. 2)And then you made changes that attracted her back. 3) And she ended things with the other man. 4) Said she wanted to date you again. 5) You and others became suspicious, and your fears were unconfirmed. Things between her and the OM were still disolved, although there may have been some drama. 6) You talked about boundaries (which is great, because you are going slow, per DR), you listen to her while she is venting (you haven't said how you responded, but it must have been favorable) and she is willing to go with them. 7) She takes time to think about it (time out--again, going slow which is good). 8) She asks to come back. And you want to agree to go slow.
Simply setting boundaries did not bring your wife back. Look at step two, and expound on what you did here. THAT'S what brought your wife back. She was coming back long before the boundary.
btw--this officially makes you a DB success story. Now keep the changes going, build.
Go to piecing if you'd like. If you expound on step 2), others will be able to learn from you. If all you do is say you set a boundary, others will miss the part that attracts someone back.
btw--this officially makes you a DB success story. Now keep the changes going, build.
Go to piecing if you'd like. If you expound on step 2), others will be able to learn from you. If all you do is say you set a boundary, others will miss the part that attracts someone back.
Really? She hasn't DONE anything yet. This is the first step on the way to becoming a success story. It's a success story in six months, maybe a year, maybe more. I don't want to rain on the parade, but there have been plenty of sitches get to this point, and then collapse. Now is when the DBing gets serious!
Maybe the last weekend with OM was her effort to end the affair. Maybe she was dumped by OM. Who knows?
Throughout the DBing process, she kept telling me how much she missed me. The moment I stopped pursuing, she got interested. The message one sends is clear: "I'll be fine without you." "My happiness doesn't depend on you." After faking it for a month, I actually started feeling that way.
I'm not sure that I have as much patience as other members, but my life isn't complicated by children either. I can't imagine the difficulties others have overcome. We are all so lucky to have found this place.
Well, yes, we celebrate when the first hitter of the game gets a single. But we have a long way to go to win the game. You can call it piecing, but that doesn't change the fact that she isn't really back in the marriage yet. Heck, they haven't even finished talking about it.
My view is that a light switch didn't flip to get them where they are, and it's pretty unlikely (I won't say impossible, since there's always a counterexample) that a light switch is going to flip to make things better.
I may be making a hash of this, but my point is that the work to come is harder and longer. A little "celebration of success" is ok, but it's important to be careful, and not get carried away.
It is always easy to re-write in your mind what you did right.
Let me recap just a few things, and then I really do recommend you go to piecing, because those folks are just GREAT at rebuilding a relationship and giving advice accordingling.
I tried "going dark" before I had read DR. She called every ten minutes for hours and eventually drove over to my house to find me outside landscaping the front yard. She was very angry with me for not answering the phone.
Having read DR, I now understand "going dark" is a last resort. I feel that my use of this technique was inappropriate for my Sit and regret having done it.
The book said to quit doing the things that don't work, so I stopped "going dark" and things have improved
It has been a month since she moved out. She keeps finding reasons to come around and she calls me several times a day, for no particular reason. We have simple conversations, nothing heavy, like you would treat a first date: no pressure, well timed compliments, you know the drill.
You kept up the friendship, which you mention over and over again. That was beautiful.
