1)She was cheating, and did lie. 2)And then you made changes that attracted her back. 3) And she ended things with the other man. 4) Said she wanted to date you again. 5) You and others became suspicious, and your fears were unconfirmed. Things between her and the OM were still disolved, although there may have been some drama. 6) You talked about boundaries (which is great, because you are going slow, per DR), you listen to her while she is venting (you haven't said how you responded, but it must have been favorable) and she is willing to go with them. 7) She takes time to think about it (time out--again, going slow which is good). 8) She asks to come back. And you want to agree to go slow.
For the record, dbmod, you have missed a few things. See corrections below:
3) Should read: "She claimed to have ended things with other man." "She then spent the night with him."
5) should read: "My suspicions were confirmed" "she admitted it."
You never said she spent the night with him. You said her car was gone.
Then you mention that she said she spent the weekend with friends. Then you said:
It was fairly obvious that she wasn't having the fun filled weekend with OM that I had envisioned. What ever happened between them wasn't good; she was an emotional train wreck. Assuming they had some interactions, not that they spent the weekend together.
The rest has all been speculation, allusion. Not facts talked about on the board.
And maybe she did spend the weekend with him. The point is to be careful not to jump to conclusions, and not to let other people egg you on to do that.
You have an incredible bond with your wife, a very strong friendship, and also the attraction. That love was the glue that brings you close. Boundaries are good. They don't bring people back. Love does.
Maybe the last weekend with OM was her effort to end the affair. Maybe she was dumped by OM. Who knows?
but imagine what she would be feeling if she left to meet OM and she knew you knew it and you did not say anything? a woman wouldn't feel loved by her man if he stood by and let her do something harmful to herself without standing up for her. you are fighting for your marriage when state a very clear boundary in this regard. that is a change that attracts a woman back-Step 2. As her husband you called her out on disrespectful behavior without being a jerk - attractive.
It takes confidence to state a boundary and to let her go. Confidence is very attractive to women.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
She wants to have a real conversation this time. So far, my skill set is limited to not arguing (doing nothing), telling her that I'm listening (doing nothing), and not calling or contacting her (doing nothing).
Now I need a plan: I think that she expects some input during this next conversation.
If she wants to have the conversation, it's because she wants to talk, and she wants you to listen.
So start there, listen a lot, talk a little. Validate. Take responsibility for what you could have done differently. Accept her feelings. Don't project your feelings onto her.
When you do say something be clear. Don't make her responsible for your feelings.
But mostly listen. After she tells you something, say something like, "I hear that you are saying ....." Make sure that you understand what she meant, not what she said. And that she knows you understand.
Good advice,listen,listen.No heavy stuff, leave that for MC. I started by listening and validating her feelings and trying like hell not to be pushy. As the Co told me I had to keep the race horse "me" at the gate and let her lead. We have been back together for 4 to 5 weeks now. She gave me a key to her apt and we are getting along great. She dumped om, as a matter of fact her GF thought he was a dumbass. Her family is glad we are back together. No talk of her moving back in yet.
Your job is to rebuild that connection between you. The friendship is there, now the passion needs to return.
