Thanks for your responses, desert rat and Atossup.
I copied this from my original thread; it came from rockedHERworld:
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I would hate to see you hurt again, and worse, because you are so focused on her pain and your failings that you go too soft and easy on her. That wouldn't be good for either of you.
I believe that he is referring to negotiating terms. Others have also warned that I will need access to her phone records and emails to verify that OM is no longer in her life. Should this be part of the conversation or is that for another day?
I don't think I would go there yet, unless that's where she leads. In time, sure, you will have to decide what you need to rebuild your trust in her. Right now, my gut says it would be counterproductive.
Right now I kind of think of her as a scared little animal that is curious, and coming towards you. You don't want to send her skittering off.
I should probably let you know... I've been on the boards for four years, though I recently had to recreate myself. So I have followed a lot of folks through this. I didn't "succeed" in the classic sense, but I think I was still a success. I know that I did what I could.
"Scared little animal" sums it up fairly well. I like your analogy. To make matters worse, I've hurt this little animal before. Probably best to keep the sling-shot out of site for a while.
As someone who has successfully pieced (going on 4 years now), let me offer the following thoughts/tips that served me well:
1. Don't come on too strong or eager to please. WAS's are sometimes skittish, and it's best not to overpower them.
2. What you've earned here is a chance. Your W is willing to work on the M. The problems that got you to the point your W stepped out of the M still need to be dealt with. Yes, some of the things have been handled by your 180s, but the real work of rebuilding your M starts NOW.
3. Be prepared to work hard. Piecing was a lot tougher than when H and I were estranged and I was just DBing. You must still stay detached, which really means staying un-enmeshed. It's our attachment to outcomes that gets us in trouble...for my H and I, the attachment is what kept us from speaking honestly to one another and asking for what we needed in our M. I am *still* focusing on staying detached, and I find that when I'm upset with my H, it's usually because I'm not detached.
4. Get some professional help. A good MC can help you look at what led you to this point without getting stuck in the past. Your MC should use what happened in the past to help you two heal and then develop new strategies to communicate and avoid the pitfalls you hit in the past. Our MC helped us see how much we were mind reading, and she taught us how to communicate with each other and listen and respond productively. Without MC, I don't think our M would survive long-term.
To be honest, I was really nervous and walked on eggshells for the first 4-6 months we were reconciled. I didn't speak up about my worries about H continuing his friendship with the woman he was having a one-sided EA with (no way she didn't know...she just liked the attention and encouraged it though she had no interest) for fear he'd run away. He didn't know I had concrete proof of it; all he thought was I had my intuition.
If I had it to do over again, I would have brought the issue up much sooner, and I would have set stronger boundaries around it. Because I didn't, she was a roadblock between us that kept us from developing real intimacy. He stopped hanging out with her for the most part, but he'd still occasionally have lunch with her or talk to her on the phone for 20-40 minutes.
It was several years before I'd developed the confidence in myself and told him that the non-work-related conversations made me uncomfortable. He balked a bit, and we spent about 6-8 months going around and around, be trying to help him understand how it was affecting me and our M. Finally, I told him that he could choose that friendship over our M if that was what he wanted, but if so, I could no longer continue in the M. I told him I respected his decision, and I truly was okay with whichever way it went. I just knew I could no longer live my life worrying about that connection, worrying that if we hit a rough patch again, he'd be composing love letters to her again.
He chose to put our M first, and his actions have borne that out. That was the final step in our reconciliation, and our M has just gotten better and better since then.
[b]My final recommendation[b]to you is to be honest about what you want and need from the reconciliation/marriage/relationship. Spend some time and think about what you want and need, and then tell her. She can choose to accept that, or not. This is scary, but really, do you want to be in a relationship where your needs aren't important or respected? I'm not talking about making demands...I'm talking about those essential things for your M to work. For me it was severing contact with OW and speaking up about his needs. Those are the two things that did the most damage to our M (H never spoke up about his issues pre-bomb and struggled with it even after reconciliation), and I knew I would not go back down that path.
Sorry this is so long! I'm thrilled you have this opportunity. Just know that this is a years-long process. My uncle cheated on my aunt 30+ years ago, and they still have things in place between them to address what happened. When my uncle is going to be later than he said he was, he calls home. He doesn't socialize with women (even in couples) unless his wife is there. My aunt trusts him, but he does these things to respect her so she never once has to doubt him.
Good luck to you. By the way, I got a lot less traffic over at Piecing, so if you're looking for regular help, you might want to stay over here. Most people in piecing still come over to the Newcomer forum so they can help others in need.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Thank you, SDFoundGirl, for such a thoughtful response.
Where can I get more info on "detachment?" It gets discussed a lot on this board, but it's still a vague term to me. If I'm going to be doing it for years, I need to know more about it.
Several members had encouraged me to set my boundaries early. I've done that already. The MC is on my to do list; we had one, but she is now my wife's IC.
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I'm talking about those essential things for your M to work. For me it was severing contact with OW and speaking up about his needs.
Those are the two issues that come to mind for me as well. No contact with OM will be immediate and permanent or there is no point in moving forward. We can work on communication over time.
This morning, she came by to walk the dogs and she tells me that yesterday's conversation (which she alone initiated) made her anxious and uneasy. She doesn't know anymore; she is confused.
What the heck is going on here? Am I going crazy?
My gut tells me that her feelings for me are a reflexion of her relationship with OM. If they had a fight last weekend, maybe they made-up last night. Am I reading too much into this? Is this normal behavior at this stage?
What stage is this, anyway? It sure don't feel like we're piecing.
I've had another thought. Between yesterday morning and today, I received a book order which she picked up (thinking they were her books); she left them for me this morning when she was here.
Titles:
The seven principles for making marriage work
Love without hurt
Why marriages succeed or fail
Is she feeling pressured by this? Is this another form of pursuit? How can she want to work on our marriage 24 hr ago and then get upset because I'm taking positive steps to do exactly that?
My gut feeling is that if she saw the titels to those books she is feeling pressured. I have similar books and talked about them before I got to the DB techinques, definately didn't help matters in my case. I haven't brought them up since.
Yes SIN, I would have to say that she caught on to what your plans are per se. I would not say she is upset but it looks like the pressure to "make it work" may have tweaked her a little. As far as OM goes you must forget him. He is a band aid and you must be the shiny gem of a guy. Let her see that she is making a mistake by letting you go. All the other stuff will come with time but 1st you must look and most importantly feel that YOU are the man in her life. My W says our friendship saved our R and she is now wearing her wedding ring when we go out. It took some time but I was consistant with her. I personally think that they need that from us. The rest of her life could be a mess but you can be the rock for both of you and she must know that you can take her or leave her. "whatever" is a good motto for you now.
Order some men's health mags and ear the parts about healthy sex and let her see those. Things that make them go hmmmm??
