I am as certain of this as anything: H's porn and masturbation issue predates you.
There is no way that in the space of a 20-month R a man suddenly finds himself where your H is. The new R let him put his issues away for awhile, but they came back. No doubt in my mind.
And, btw, I'm not against the use of porn and certainly not against masturbation in general. Here they are obviously destructive.
Oldtimer...in the beginning I think we were equally sexually aggressive and then his pursuit just stopped. I fear you are correct, that I need to move on and fast, I'm just having difficulty doing so.
Young at Heart....I think you are probably correct...I have unknowingly or maybe even knowingly contributed to his baggage. I'm 41 years old and at a point in my life where I feel like I need to express myself when something bothers me. I've tried not to put him down, but have expressed that he doesn't make me climax....primarily because he doesn't try. Sex with him is like sex with a teenager (I have never told him this).
To All....his issues most definitely predate our relationship. He had a porn addiction that began in his early teens and a 14 year relationship with a woman that has been very vocal (we live in a small town)about the fact that he had no interest in sex and never attended to her needs. He admits he would have sex with her only every view months and that he cheated on her often. His other ex, has told me herself he did nothing to please her and had a hard time maintaining an erection. He tells me that I should be happy that he doesn't have this problem with me and that he does have sex with me even though, and I quote "he can't" perform foreplay.
He had originally said he was willing to attend counseling, but when I finally found a sex therapist that would see us he started to back track and we had a huge fight about it last night.
Where I'm at today? I don't have any desire for him myself. I find it difficult to feel desire for someone that is so obviously repulsed by me. I feel so broken and lost....
Uh, YOU are not the one broken or lost here. You are the one with healthy sexuality looking for constructive solutions to the sex problem in your R. It should be VERY obvious to you given his history with other women that this is HIS problem. And, given he's restarted the porn, withdrawn from you, and cheated heavily in the past.... I wouldn't go near his semen with a 10' pole. Please practice NOTHING but safe sex.
....He had originally said he was willing to attend counseling, but when I finally found a sex therapist that would see us he started to back track and we had a huge fight about it last night.
Again, congratulations on trying. You might ask him what he fears. You might suggest that this is something you need and you also need his support in attending therapy with him.
I have a slightly different perspective on things, which may or may not help you.
I really believe that in most marital problems both parties share some responsibility, even if one shares more of it than the other. This belief of mine is why I found you next comment so interesting....
Originally Posted By: Changed Woman
....I find it difficult to feel desire for someone that is so obviously repulsed by me. I feel so broken and lost....
Ask yourself if your husband might be able to say those words. Ask if you might be causing him as much pain as he might be causing you.
At the point in my marriage where my wife turned herself around, she asked (with the help of a sex therapist) why should she want to have sex with me, when I had withdrawn from her emotionally. When my wife realized that she had withdrawn from me emotionally and that I was in as much pain as she was over the lack of closeness and affection, that is when she began to understand and began to try to forgive me.
Up until then, we had both been caught in a vicious circle where her rejection caused me to pull back from her and focus on work more and home less, and that in turn made her feel more rejected and that made her pull back farther from me emotionally. While I stopped the circle of withdrawal first, it took her months to also stop and for us to start building a relationship again.
If you are really at the end of your emotional rope, do what you need to, to find happiness. I wish you the best of luck and happiness.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
I agree that his reaction last night was fear driven. Nobody wants to sit in a room of 3 people to discuss their problem, it is uncomfortable to say the least. Super hard to do... I don't know if I would ask him what he 'fears' as this may evoke more defensive postures on his part. I think I would read power-packaging to figure out the best way to approach this.
Please make sure you are very clear with him that the state of your sex life is not something you can continue to live with. You love him but you can not live like this... blah, blah, plenty of examples around here spoken more eloquently. Just make sure he knows how serious you are about this. Give him a chance to fix it if you are unsure what you want. You don't want any regrets.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
I agree too that it takes two, even if his problems preceded your relationship. It is often hard to identify our part and a good therapist can help with this. It seems that it often involves emotional withdrawal etc.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
Would you blame another long standing addiction of many years on a new spouse? No doubt there is enabling go on here. No doubt CW could do some things better.
But I don't think CW did anything to trigger this other than to be around long enough that the new-love-brain-drugs wore off, thereby causing him to return to his drug of choice by default.
This is not a case where a fairly sexually healthy male was beaten down after years of rejection. They have been together for 20 months!
Nope, not at all blaming her for his problems. His are his own, her's are her's... there isn't one person in this world without problems. You, me, or CW.
We only hear CW's view. Who knows what his triggers are?
My understanding is they have been married 20 mo., probably didn't get married the day they met. Regardless, doesn't really matter.
CW, you are here on these boards because you want help figuring out what to do. This is a serious problem and IMO, you need a professional. Plenty of things you can do in the meantime, you are not powerless. Either you want to invest in the relationship and see if it is possible to develop a healthy sexual R over TIME, and lots of it, or it is not worth it to you and you move on, the sooner the better.
IF you invest, you are going to need some realistic goals. For example, you will not have a normal sex life by 2011 with your H. By the end of 2011? Maybe, talk to a sex therapist, even if you need to go by yourself.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
It's clearly not CW's fault that her husband has a long-standing addiction to pornography, or that he has a long history of infidelity and sexual problems.
It IS CW's responsibility to make a decision about what she will tolerate and what she will not. There's an old saying that tells us that what we tolerate, we teach. One reason you can fairly say that "it takes two" is that even if the husband is doing and has done everything CW describes, she still has a choice as to what she will do.
CW, I'm not going to advise you to leave, although I will admit that reading between the lines, I feel like you're thinking along those lines and wondering if someone will tell you to do so. I'm not going to tell you to stay, either.
If you want to stay, there are some pieces of advice I will offer. Again, this is free advice from an anonymous stranger on the internet, guaranteed to be as reliable as that would indicate:
1. If you've found a sex therapist you think may be good, and he won't go, tell him you're going whether he does or not and then go. He may join you there eventually, or he may not, but that sex therapist can do a lot more for you even individually than we can do here on this internet forum. If you reach the end of what the sex therapist can do for an individual, and your husband still isn't joining you, then your therapist can probably at least refer you to an individual counselor.
2. From your description of what his exes told you, combined with your own experience, it's clear that this man has a history of serious sexual dysfunction. You may not be able to help him with that. You're going to have to be very clear about what you will and won't accept in your marriage. This means saying something like what Evolve suggested: "I love you, but I won't live in a sexless marriage with a man who can't or won't get help or help me fix the problem. If we can't work together to fix this, I have to leave you." Gotta mean it, though, because it's really possible you'll have to follow through.
3. I hope you saw the suggestion about safe sex above. As cold as this sounds, in your shoes, I wouldn't want to be taking any risk of becoming pregnant with this man's child. You may feel differently about that in a couple of years, but please don't take the chance right now. If that seems very presumptuous for someone who doesn't know you, that's only because it is, but you did ask for advice.
