Agree with SillyOldBear wholeheartedly. But do more than avoid pregnancy (which can easily be done with a pill), avoid life threatening STDs and genital herpes (which 1/6 of people have).
Right. You know, in Sex-Starved Marriage, MWD recommends taking time off from sex, weeks or months, a minimum of a few weeks, to clear your head, put sex in perspective, and let the LD partner get a break from the pursuit.
That would be a doubly good idea here, where it seems like CW has doubts about whether she really wants to stay in the marriage. Again, I'm not going to tell you whether to stay or go, but if you're wondering about it, better keep your options open. And I'd tell him honestly that you're doing this, although MWD's advice is to do the sabbatical from sex without telling the LD partner. She's giving that advice from the point of view that assumes you want to save the marriage; you may not, and I think you're in a big enough hole with this guy that he's frozen in either complacency or fear (probably fear) and is going to have to be shaken out of it.
Okay, so here is the latest...first of all..you are right Oldtimer...he has a sex drive..it's just not for me. That said, we got into another huge fight last night and he told me that "it doesn't interest him" to touch a females privates and why can't I accept him for who he is. I asked him why he wanted to be with a woman then and his response was "because I'm not a f@$" (I'm sure you know what word belongs there). He kept trying to make me feel like I was some kind of sex maniac by telling me that I should just go out and try to find "my sex machine" and forget that we had other things going for us in our relationship, but I'm so sex crazy and selfish I don't care. Although I know what I'm expecting in terms of a sexual relationship is not wrong or out of the ordinary I do find that I start to doubt myself. Am I wrong???? Am I placing too much importance on sex?
I don't think there is much left in terms of a desire for me to keep this marriage. The thing is...even knowing he doesn't have "interest" in me as a woman would make it hard to have sex with him now anyway.
I do have an appointment with the sex therapist. She advised just what others of you have advised...tell him I'm going and he's welcome to go, but if not I'm going without him. Honestly, people...isn't a man that is not interested in a woman's vagina gay????
Honestly, people...isn't a man that is not interested in a woman's vagina gay????
No, he isn't necessarily "gay." He probably could benefit from a good sex therapist in figuring out how to have a healthy relationship, but that is a different question..
He might be addicted to porn and not be able to deal with a real woman's needs or how to connect physically with another human beaing, as opposed to just mentally interacting with his 2-D sexual images and touching himself. Real sex partners are complicated and everyone isn't a sex Olympian in technique. Some men addicted to porn just don't have "any energy" left for interactions with a real woman (most likely)
He might have medical problems leading to partial ED and is way too uncomfortable in dealing with them, so he is trying to convince himself that the problem is his not wanting to touch you or be sexual with you rather than he has a problem. (Depending on his age, this is also likely, he should get a complete medical exam as should you)
He might be telling you something that is not at all what he is truly feeling are for a variety of reasons. (He could have such pain/anger that he just doesn't want to have sex with you. He could be so uncomfortable around real flesh & blood women in general that he is afraid of having sex with a real woman, while being able to have sex with a 2-D pornagraphic image of a woman.)
He might (although it doesn't sound that way) just view marriage as a social/financial partnership. Read some of the stories over on the SSM forum and you will find likes of couples with that kind of problem.
There is some advice on another section of this website that one should not take the sexual rejection from a partner "personally." I find that statement to be good advice, but I also know having been there, that sexual rejection from your spouse is about as "personal" as anything can be.
Make sure you attend your counseling session and work on changing yourself. That way you will either serve as a model that you husband can copy in making changes to himself, or you can prepare and transform yourself so that you are much better to deal with your next relationship.
Good luck
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
OMG, CW, it is so important that you do not take this personally! He has some serious deep-rooted issues. Arguing about it will not help, I promise. He knows he has problems I assure you and this is why he gets defensive. He will retreat further inside himself with continued arguing.
Is your appointment coming up soon? Why not hold off on any sex talk with your H until after your appt. He/she should have some very valuable advice.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
He's saying personal things about you, but it's truly not personal. It's not about you. If what you've told us so far is true, he's angry and scared and it's easiest to blame you. He's not doing it because of any failing in you but because he can't stand to examine his problems. Look at what he's saying; he's not really saying that what he's doing is OK, but he says he wants you to give up on him. Hard to say what he really wants, but that's the fear talking.
Do NOT back down from your determination to go see a therapist who can help you with this. And do NOT doubt that you have every right to want and ask for as much sex as you want. He doesn't have to give it to you, but you're not obligated to pretend that sex isn't important to you. He wants that (or thinks he does) because sex makes him look at his problems, not necessarily because he doesn't want you.
I cannot express how terrible I feel right now. Another fight and I'm counting every moment until my therapy tomorrow. It is so very hard not to take your husbands lack of desire personally. I'm trying so hard to hold it together but my hatred for him and what I've allowed him to do to me grows with each minute. How did I find myself in a mess like this????????
Examine why you hate him. You hate him because of the way he makes you feel about yourself, no? No one has control over your feelings but you. You need to self-soothe ASAP. Passionate Marriage is immensely helpful with this.
I know it is hard to not take this personally. It makes you think about every little flaw in you/your body that would make him not want you... that is simply NOT the case. Stop, pull away, take care of yourself. You must do this for any chance to get through this in a healthy way.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
Thanks! Well last night was a doozy in terms of getting no sleep. I was pissed off all night and then woke up early to come to work. I had decided last night...."screw him" (not literally of course..haha) I'm not even going to mention the counseling appointment again. So I left and then changed me mind and thought to myself...I will give this one more shot..and if he doesn't respond I am going to proceed immediately with a divorce. So I called him and told him "I'm going to the counseling appointment today with you or without you...it's up to you". He said "is it the sex appointment?" I said yes and he said "I'll go....I'm looking forward to it so we can mend this". My response was "I hope so".
Soooo..I'm not going to expect much because when I do I end up disappointed. He frequently has one attitude about things and then as time passess he changes his mind. It will be interesting to see what his mood is when I pick him up.
