What happens to the WAS after D?

[ImprovedRomeo]

D4MIL, you're confusing me, why did he replace you with Vaseline? Did they know eachother from before? Does he like how she makes him feel? I'm as confused as baby in a topless bar.

In all honesty and at the risk of sounding shallow that's probably the only compelling reason for me to have a gf at this point in my life. But there in lies the curx of the situation; I can't go there unless I'm attracted to her both physically and personality wise. But if I'm attracted to her then I can't help getting attached. There's a reason why my name used to be StupidRomeo. But now that D4MIL has me wondering about Vaseline that just maybe the cheapest alternative to marriage yet. Holy crap between Betty Crocker, Pam and Vaseline my life is now complete as a man.

kml, I do ok in the looks dept but as you can see I've got issues

[ClingingToHope]

The one thing so far my WAW admitted to is that the finances are harder than she thought. That was September 2009. Last year, the house didn't sell. She's behind on payments. I don't think she's regretting the breakup though. She's always always searching for things to make her happy and reasons she's not. The house is now the reason she's not happy. If she could just sell it, then she'd be happy ...

In the end, the adults adjust, I think, to the lower standard of living. The long-term pain falls on the children. Mine are accepting a lot of things they could do before without question are now out of the question.

They won't realize until later when it comes to college how much this has hurt them. Both of my girls were on track to have $30,000-$40,000 for college by 18. Not enough to pay for everthing, but enough that they could go where they wanted.

Now? D11 is at $10,000 and D8 is at $7,500 and I'm really hoping to somehow get those savings up to $15,000 each when college comes around. Both are likely to have to go to junior college first.

[Golfgirl1]

I absolutely miss the emotional connection, but looking back...I'm not sure I ever had that. The two guys I've dated haven't been able to go 'deep' emotionally like I need a partner, huh...maybe next time.

Well, I still hope to give marriage another try; I mean we lasted 21 years and most were pretty darn good. I believe the Universe will send me an amazing man when I'm ready. Right now, I'm enjoying life, training to compete in CrossFit at age 50 (9 months away)and spending time with fabulous friends. I tell everyone I meet that I'm looking. Heck, I even have business cards printed up with my email and phone number and I gave a bunch to "trusted" friends to hand out as they see fit. Last week when I was with my doctor (a triathlete who sees triathletes)I gave her some and told her to hand them out the the fit guys around age 50. She said she definitely has someone in mind! I say, don't give up, stay positive! Those of us on here are "prizes" and we have to remember that. We will find love again!!!!

[kml]

Wow, love the networking with the cards! Have you gotten any good dates that way??

[Golfgirl1]

Not yet...but I will when the timing is right!

I'm liking my odds at the CrossFit gym; easily 4:1 or greater. And, the bonus would be they like to work out as well!

[AJM]

Golfgirl1, I like your attitude.
I've been away for a long time while I readjust to what happened. As I get further away, what I find is that there are soooooo many good people out there. I really enjoy the time with them. Lots of very nice ladies of all ages to spend time with as well.
I've decided I'm not "looking" for that next long term relationship. Rather, I'm looking to be me and if I find somebody I'd like to spend my time with, I do. If not, I don't waste my breath. Very freeing. Very comfortable. Very nice change even though I too had a good marriage for a lot of years.
Once I came to terms with what happened vs. what I wanted to have happen, I resolved to not fool myself by what I hear or by thinking I can "save" somebody. Nope - you are what you are and your actions show that. If you and I aren't compatible, then so be it. Next?

Good to see the positive attitude and I really do like the idea of a business card. That's pretty cool.

[AJM]

One other comment. I noticed ATE that your WAS is doing something similar to mine. Wanted me to be the one to initiate the divorce. For a long long time. I doubt that's the case now, but whatever...
My reason for posting? A suggestion: divorce her. Take the offensive and divorce her. Don't wait to be bludgeoned to death by limbo. It is as simple as this: she doesn't want to be married to you any longer. The other lies and reasons and thoughts about being friends and all that other horse-crap? Well, it's worthless. How do I know? Because I spent a very long time thinking that she was the old her, when she was the new her that I didn't know or figure out because I was too busy not wanting to see it. I wanted to make it work and was willing to be lied to.
To do it over again? I might do it the same way knowing me. But I highly recommend not. She doesn't want to be there. She is filing for divorce. It is no longer about "us" but about you. Do this for you. Give yourself permission to love you more. Don't wait.

AJM

[Golfgirl1]

I got 250 cards online for $5 from vistaprint. I love them and they keep me positive and believing in myself.

I filed because I saw lies, deception, the hiding of money, and I didn't want someone else in control of my life, my future, my destiny....

After 19 months, I LOVE myself, am happy, very close to being in the best shape of my life and I have friends whom I adore and they adore me. Can life get any better? My self-worth and validation come from ME; not from any man. I have to be the person I would want to date; I think I'm about there. That said, I am just living my life and waiting to see who shows up. There is a "plan" for me and I have to go with the flow and let it happen. You all will be the first to know when he shows up...notice I didn't say "if" but "when" because he will.

AJM, love your attitude as well. Any lady who gets a chance with you is very lucky indeed.

[musclegal]

I decided to push through with the divorce because it was clear from everything XH was doing (or really more NOT doing) that he was just waiting for me to pull the plug. It was too hard being in that limbo. I was VERY concerned about his spending and being responsible for his debt, too. Be careful--my friend was very trusting of her X didn't push the divorce through, and 2 years later, she is still paying off his credit cards! Anyway, at the time, I thought to myself, "THIS marriage needs to end, maybe sometime we will have a different one, but THIS MARRIAGE is completely out of whack, unbalanced and makes me feel terrible about myself."

I would be shocked if we ever had a 2nd one. The advantage of the D is that you see things more clearly--you understand the dynamic of the marriage better when you are out of it and get some distance from it. Like Golfgirl1, I feel so much better about myself since the D- in some marriages, I think that one spouse needs to feel superior to the other. My XH was like that--he very quietly critized and put me down a lot. It was an underlying current in our marriage. I don't think I would have gotten divorced in the absence of his affair, but in hindsight my marriage wasn't a healthy relationship for me.

Financially, my XH and I made about the same amount of money, but I was always the "slush" fund, and now I've got more than when I was married to him. Its clear now that he spent HIS money and MY money, so I'm a LBS who is better off financially single. He is still with the OW--she lives in another state and visits here. His dad is getting ready to move in with him, and the kids say he is broke (he makes 6 figures, but is always broke and always has been!). So, I don't know whether he thinks he's better off or happier or not...but its his life now. He can live it how he pleases.

Trusting someone again will be REALLY hard. I agree with ImprovedRomeo--how do you make yourself vulnerable again? I was seeing a very nice man--smart, good job, generous, kind...but I came up with a lot of reasons for not pursuing it--one of the good reasons being that I'm not ready and my kids aren't ready for me to be in something serious. And that is legitimate, but maybe some of the other reasons aren't so good. We are still friends and its clear that he'd like to be in a relationship with me, but it feels like touching a hot frying pan. Now he is exploring a job in another state and wants to know how I feel about it. I wish I could say DON'T GO, but I can't do that. I feel like I can't sustain more of a relationship than dinner once a week or so. That's about all the commitment I can muster up. But one day, I hope I will be able to do better!

[AtTheEnd?]

AJM,

I appreciate the advice and have come to the same conclusion. It's time to get this through. We are at the home stretch and it's just time to finish this thing. If you wanted to be with me, we wouldn't be going through this. Why try to keep someone that doesn't want to stay?