It is actually nice when you don't worry about what H is doing and you and S. It is hard to let go, but it really does help. I am wishing you the best. I promise it does get better, but it takes time. For me, it took me almost 1 year before I was ok and didn't have the major rollercoaster dips. Don't feel bad that you are sad. It is ok.
I remember reading in your last thread about how you feel your self-esteem to be low. What I recommend and what helped me is to go out and get yourself something that you feel amazing in. Whether it is a new hair cut, a new outfit, a new purse,etc. Anything that will help you feel good outwardly. I can't tell you how much that has helped me. I have gotten things to make me feel good on the outside and slowly the inside healed.
Wishing you the best!
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
I agree 100% with awest-- those things helped me too! As well as meeting new people(friends).
What is going on lately, lost? How are you interacting with your H and what are the plans for the holidays--I realized that you discussed (briefly) about splitting up Christmas but what was the conclusion? ANd you are right-- these next 2 weeks ARE BRUTAL. Hang in there, suppress your anger toward your H and express it on your thread so you can have a release.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Awest- Thanks for your feedback. It is so helpful to hear that it does get better. It is hard in the middle of this pain to see that it won't always feel this way. I have been trying to do things to make me feel better about myself, and it does help, I agree with you. I think the hardest part for me is getting past the rejection by a person who I thought was such a great guy. I know you understand, but to have the person who knows you better than anyone else decide that he is better off living alone, away from his son, and creating a finacial mess for both of you. I try to factor in that it is not all about me b/c he is still in contact with ow, but the rejection is still hard. Right now I am not sure how you ever feel better about that.
NM- I am glad you act about our interaction. That has been so hard for me lately!! I orginally was limiting contact, keeping our interactions positive but as short as possible. Just in the past week I have started talking a little bit more with him. Sharing our son has made it really difficult to know how to be around him. Part of feels that it is really important for our son to see us interact with each other in a positive way. I feel like for my own healing eventually I do need to have a friendly relationship b/c I am the kind of person who cannot stand feeling like someone is upset with me or giving someone the cold shoulder. But what is so frustrating to me right now, is that when I am friendly he can be really short and irritable with me sometimes. He will get annoyed by me really easily. And this hurts my feelings so much, b/c I am trying so hard to get past what he has done and be friendly for the sake of our son and I don't get why he can't just act the same way back, after all he has done. It is really hurtful! So I am not really sure right now what is the best thing to do. Christmas is hard, I do not have family out here. They are coming out shortly after Christmas, but cannot make it on the actual day. My h wants to get together Christmas morning to watch s open presents. Then I was going to let him take him to his grandma's for the afternoon.
But what is so frustrating to me right now, is that when I am friendly he can be really short and irritable with me sometimes. He will get annoyed by me really easily. And this hurts my feelings so much, b/c I am trying so hard to get past what he has done and be friendly for the sake of our son and I don't get why he can't just act the same way back, after all he has done.
I am sure H is acting this way because he feels guilty. He wants you to be mean and act rudely so he has a reason to stay away. Then he can put the blame on you and never self-evaluate.
I truly believe in "killing them with kindness". Believe me it is hard to do and hurts terribly sometimes, but for me I always think that I want S to have a good role model and this is the way to do it. I have slipped up and S remembers my slip up (it was during my darkest and lowest point, although not a good excuse) and I feel horrible about it, but I have stuck to "turning the other cheek" as much as possible. Don't talk to H a lot, but when you do, keep being positive and nice.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
Lost, you are right to be positive in front of your son. ANOTHER one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do, but you are so right- it will help your son in the long run.
I get it about not feeling right about giving your H the cold shoulder or hurting him-- I kept reminding myself "H CHOSE to do this. He must feel the consequences." I didn't act cold most of the time, but it was hard to suppress wanting to share what was going on with my life and family with him and asking about him. It was really hard to ask him to stop letting himself in and start ringing the doorbell. Also, it was hard telling him that I just wanted to exchange S in the entry way and not have him come inside. I don't remember the words I used but I do remember my therapist helping me with finding the words. (I bet it is on one of my threads--from the spring.)
As for your H acting short- again, I agree with Awest-- the guilt is causing this. My exSIL's H (who cheated on her, divorced her and now they are remarried) has confirmed that he was a jerk to her during that time because he was mad and ashamed that she was being nice to him while he was treating her so badly. BUT she felt good about acting the way she was comfortable with--being civil, being true to herself, reminding herself that love is patient and love is kind. Now she certainly blew up at him (and still does) but when she was being nice, he would respond in a jerk way!
I am sorry that you don't have family to spend Christmas DAY with. (((lost)))
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Thanks for the advice AW and NM. I hope that it is guilt that is causing him to act that way b/c he makes it seem like it is just me and that is not helpful to my self esteem. I need to start thinking in a way that his moods and reactions don't affect me. In order to do this I need to really focus on a happy life without him. NM I love reading your thread and how you are venturing out into the dating world. I feel so far from that point now, but it is good to hear that with time I may feel ready. I am the same age as you with a child about the same age. Do you find men receptive to you having a child?
The OW wrote my H lots of letters and cards. Most of them I asked him to throw away (don't think he really did) but one letter I kept, as evidence of the A I guess, not that it matters. I am in a no fault state and so the fact that he had A's means nothing. I used to not be able to read the letter without getting sick. Then I went through a period where it would make me so sad, seeing the relationship that they had. Today I was amused/angry. The letter was written after her h found out and she writes how "dealing with all of this sh** has made her stronger. " It was just an interesting insight into the brain of the AP, that they think they are suffering. That she can really think that her hurtful actions are making her a better/stronger person. And I really felt, for the first time, that even though it may not seem like it, with everything I am going through, but I would much rather be a betrayed spouse than an affair partner or a walk away spouse.
Wow, that hurt. I shared with a friend yesterday about what is happening with h and I. I hadn't told her, even though she is a close friend, b/c they are a "couple" friend of h and I. She, of course, was upset. We talked for awhile, and she asked what my plans for Christmas were. I told her i wasn't sure yet. H is going to take ds up to his grandma's and my family all ives far away. She offered for me to pop over to their house if I wanted. They are not usually in town so I said "You guys will be around." She said, "Yes, my family will be there and we will be exchanging presents, but you are welcome to come over for some food." I don't think I really would do it, but I appreciated the offer. I thanked her and told her I would let her know.
This morning I got an email from her reneging the offer. She said that her father "who is a hermit" might not want to come if others were there. That hurt a lot. Why would you offer this to someone and not stand by her offer? If she could even understand how hard this christmas is going to be for me, she would not do what she just did. I am hanging by a thread here and that was truly hurtful. That really, really hurt.
Family all lives 1000 miles away and i went home for Thanksgiving. I can't afford to do it again. I have my son, but if I keep him with me he misses out on Christmas with his grandma (mil) and cousins. I am trying to do the unselfish thing and let him go, but it is hard.
