My wife and I divorced in August. This is after 4 years of ILYBNILWY and 10 years of marriage. We have twins (a boy and a girl) who are about to turn 7. During those 4 years, we reconciled several times, though never romantically.
We divorced in August and are living separately. She got the house, we have joint custody of the kids, and I got most of the bills. Anyway, I did everything wrong.
I kept hanging around, going over there to cut the lawn, rake leaves, shovel snow etc. I did everything she needed me to do.
Tonight, she says that I am around too much. I told her that I still loved her and she told me that we would never be able to be together again.
I do not accept that, but I am ready to try a new approach. I am devastated and don't know what to do. If you would like to follow my original posts over the last four years, the link is in my sig.
I'm just looking for support, encouragement, and advice. I'm losing my mind.
I understand the concept of a 180 (I read DB and DR, but am a bit confused on how to go about one. I'm not sure exactly what happened or why she suddenly "fell out of love." I never wanted a divorce and was willing to try anything. We went to two councilors (though it was obvious she'd already checked out by the second).
She told me in June that she was having feelings again. By the july she had a hysterectomy. A week after her surgery she filed for divorce.
I'd like to point out too-just so there is no misunderstanding-that there is no substance abuse or violence in our history.
MrLost, it is a tough situation you are in. If she was sincere before her hysterectomy (and she probably was) it could either be the change in hormones or just a natural? part of the roller coaster you are on.
No one can tell you what to do but if she needs space, it is probably best to give it to her. Sometimes showing unconditional love requires you to do the hard thing. Just make sure that you stay "even" with your emotions around her, i.e. don't get upset, be gentle at all times. Loving someone in the good times is easy, loving someone in the bad (really, really bad) times is extremely hard.
Love is patient, love is kind, love is not self seeking...
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
Yeah, I know. It's very rough because of the kids. I have to see her like every other day. And my daughter, who is 6, is not dealing with it well. For whatever reason, the kids will not talk to my exwife about it, but get very upset around me. I think it has to do with the fact that when they are with her, they are at the house, which is home. With me, it's more transitional.
I see a lot of myself in your posts. You cannot change the things you've done wrong (I wish I could) but you can stop doing more things wrong.
Stop doing ANYTHING for her. I keeps you stuck in a pattern and enables/makes her choice easier.
The kids may open up to you more because they feel safer/at ease with you. Mine did (and do?). Par for the course.
I got the lion's share of the bills too.
Nice guys finish last.
But we finish.
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12 Bomb and OM 12/15/06 Separated 01/02/07 Divorced 05/13/08 X married OM(OMH) 08/2009 Married 06/09/13
Sleeper-I agree with what you said about not doing anything for her. It's hard, but I've been doing. Two nights ago she called and wanted me to take the kids a bit earlier than usual because she had an appointment. I told her that I couldn't because I had an appointment as well. She kept talking about how she would just have to take the kids with her and she didn't want to do that. But I didn't give in. Even though I want to spend every moment that I can with the kids, I can't be at her beck and call.
Christmas was hard. It was the first Christmas eve I've spend alone in over fifteen years. Christmas day we gave the kids their presents and then I brought the kids to my parents. They spent the night and I brought them back the following day. I did not take the dogs out for her, did not straighten up, did not shovel the driveway. I said goodbye to the kids and went home.
She's called a couple times and I answer her questions, but don't elaborate or have a longer discussion. Today she called and was extremely snippy, but I just ignored it and went about my day. Unless I have the kids, I do not answer when she calls but call her back later.
You know, I've been all over the internet, but there really doesn't seem to be much out there in terms of what to do once you're divorced if you aren't ready to give up. There's plenty on how to survive and get back on your feet, but nothing about if you want to try to salvage the marriage. There's one ebook, but I'm sometimes a little leery of them. I know DR and DB does touch on it, but really they're about avoiding it in the first place.
Yet there are plenty of books on how to get your kids through it, the damage you or your ex can do to the kids, etc. So my question is, if there is so much information out there on how the big D is damaging our children, shouldn't there be advice on fixing the broken marriage so that the children don't have to run that risk?
I must concur. I wish there were more resources for people like us.
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
MrLost - I'm wondering if there is a reason for the lack of resources. Perhaps the resources out there - those that tell you how to heal, take care of yourself, move forward, etc. are the same. Whether you are standing or moving on - you must take care of yourself, teach your kids how to get through tough times, etc. I would like nothing more than my marriage to be healed or at least be on the road to healing. Unfortunately - due to no desire or fault of my own - he has moved to divorce. What really can I do? Legally he can get a divorce. Me, right now - I am working on other facets of my life. Becoming a better mother, friend, daughter, employee, Christian. I believe in marriage. Right now I still believe that I have a moral obligation to behave in a way that does not disregard my value system. Right now, I am not dating - nor seeking dates - nothing like that. I have an obligation to see my children through this time (even my kids that are grown and in college). My son is still at home and a junior - so I have another year before I can begin to share attention somewhere else. He has already lost the attention of his father. I guess my point to you is that this work - no matter you are moving on or standing - is really the same. It is about waking up every day and making the good moral decisions that allow you to face yourself and face God with a sense of pride.
I hope this makes sense:) - It is late. But I hear where you are coming from...definitely!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
