Why do I care?

[NotFromThesePart]

This may seem like a strange question, but I'm curious what people think.

I've been away form this site for a couple months. I've gotten my life in order, I'm settling into my new life. I've got new friends and am having no problem dating. We have no kids. We both have good jobs. I'm not religious, I see no stigma related to divorce. I can honestly say that I know a divorce would be easier now than fighting for my marriage.

So why do I care? Why do I still want to fight. I have a clean slate in front of my. I've been through the hardest 4 months of my life. Why do I care?

In reading through this site and talking with friends I think our society is maybe 80%+ in favor or divorce. Or at least not opposed. With the exception of one friend, everyone I know is supportive of the divorce. I don't mean to say that they want me to get a divorce, but that they think it is OK, and maybe even good, to give up on the marriage.

Why am I, and most people here, willing to fight.

Discuss.

[mrbt]

NFTP, I don't have the answer. I just want you let you know you are not alone. I have been struggling with this for over a year now. We are not divorced, however, wife moved away to another state two weeks ago. I just set up our Christmas tree and sit her thinking "Why do I care?"

[MrBond]

You care because you weren't the one who thought that the situation was hopeless. Like many of us, you thought nothing was wrong until the "bomb". So you read and research and look for an answer.

Bottom line is there isn't an answer. Not from us anyhow. It can only come from the WAS. That's why detachment is important. You take care of your own happiness because you sure as hell can't control what the WAS feels or believes they feel.

It's that lack of control and uncertainty that draws us in. Our security has been taken away and we're left in free fall. Get that fear under control and you'll find yourself detaching in a big way.

[NotFromThesePart]

Hi MrBond,

Actually, my question is kinda the opposite. I am detached. Really. I have GALed. I would be totally fine if the D happened today. I'm more emotionally aware, and in a much better place to have a long term relationship now than ever. Basically I've gotten my $hit together and while I still miss W, I'm actually happy for the first time in a long time.

I guess, what I'm saying is, I have every reason to be happy with my single life. I AM happy being single. I'm having a blast dating. I've got the start of a great life after a long time in the wilderness. So why would I risk it for another chance with W? There would be real costs (financial, career, emotional) to me if we were ever to try again. Why would I do it?

I can't figure it out. But if she were to try, so would I.

[MrBond]

Go back and read my post. Detaching doesn't mean that you stop caring. It just means you don't let your emotions get tangled up with your WAS's. You continue to live your life.

You wanted to be married. You got married. It doesn't matter that you're single now or that you like being single, etc. It wasn't in your plan to BE single. You wanted to be married.

It's human nature to want what they can't have. She pulled the rug out from under you, so you were left shaky and uncertain. It happens. This wasn't your choice but hers. That's why you feel the way you do. I've been there.

[NotFromThesePart]

Sorry, mis-understood what you meant. My fear is under control. actually I'm much more scared by the prospect of reconciling than being alone. Why open up freshly healed wounds?

I guess what I mean is that I don't think most people would be here. When I talk to people (and I've been judicious with who I tell all the details) all but one gave me the "kick her to the curb" attitude. Some how that is just not me. Given the divorce rate it seems most people have no problem just giving up or taking off. Why is that not me?

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that my DNA has been encoded to keep fighting, but I just don't think most people today are this way (present company excepted, obviously). Anyone have any psychological/sociological explanations for this?

[mj144]

You still love your wife.

[NotFromThesePart]

Of course I do. But that's not the point. With som many divorces, it seems like many, if not most, are really OK with it. They don't see the point of fighting. Why do some people want to fight, and some others not?

[Denver_2010]

Some people are loyal and take their wedding vows seriously. Others do not.

[sgctxok]

I came here to fight for my relationship because I came 2 relationships post-divorce. I could blame my divorce on my exH, but 2 relationships later I realized I also had to learn to do things differently. I wanted to be happy. I didn't want to have relationships that lasted a few years and fell apart, and then I had to do it all over again.


I think some people are more ok with detaching and moving on. They are ok with having more serial relationships in their lives, or ok with being alone. Or just don't really want to change anything within themselves.