E.T. phoned home!!!

[Augtan]

Thanks Nic, I am in a better place in so many ways. It is hard everyday, but I do live in peace most days!

XH tried to call me last night, I ignored him cause I was writing a paper and didn't have time. He called again today and I was in software training and couldn't answer, waite awhile and texed him "in training..what's up?" He said to call him when I could. Called him and he wanted to update me on his job search. We talked a bit and then I brought up his conversation with D11, he got upset a few time, but I was completely calm and just told him exactly like it is. We agreed that if he gets this job he thinks he will get that we will try to move to Florida, not really "together" but that we will move to the same place so the kids can have him in their life each day. D18 wants to go to college there, but is apprehensive unless we move down there to be closer to her, she has some issues and needs us. It will take a lot to make that happen, but we shall see. We both admitted that we made huge mistakes post A and need to do what is right for the kids, I told him that blaming each other and not putting the past behind us isn't good and we need to realize that no matter what we do we can't go back..he said he would go back and do things different if he could. I said we need to not worry about that and move forward.

A

[Goodfight]

Wow A,

I just went through the same thing yesterday. H called D14 on the 13th and he was drinking.....asks her what her problem is and she said nothing and he said then why haven't you called or texted me in 3 weeks. Well, she let all of her anger out that she has been holding in for the last 2 years.

She told him he was the adult and he should be calling and checking on her and that all he cares about is drinking and his extended family and his 2 sons (from a high school relationship). And she has him on speaker and he went off on her....I couldn't believe what I heard. He said scr** you and your mother and when you are 18 and come knocking on my door I will tell you the truth and she said I know the truth dad, and I'm sick of you knocking mom down and we have been going through hell for the last 2 years. And she told him to be a man and tell the truth that he was thinking about coming home 3 weeks ago and he does this again and he needs to take care of his family.

It wasn't pretty at all. So anyway instead of him acting like a man he acted her age or really younger. I can't believe he is acting like this again. So he must of ran to his sister and told her everything so she goes off on our D14 on Facebook that she shouldn't talk to father like that and so on.....well, D14 gives it right back to her because his sister was always picking on her whenever H would take her over there for visitation. H's sister could care less about H but they love all of this, not only are me and the kids loosing everything but he is too and that's right up her alley.

He ruined our credit since the separation, and now I have to sell the house since he moved forward with the D when he got mad 3 months ago and I would never be able to buy another one and don't want another mortgage payment for 30 more years. What's the sense? Plus it will take me forever to get my credit back and I have no clue how me are going to survive once the D goes through. There won't be any more spousal (boy, didn't realize how much this hurts, been crying for 2 days now).

So back to D14, she blocked his number so he couldn't text or call her because she was so mad and next thing you know my phone is ringing and it's him. I just hit ignore because I couldn't take him yelling at me, plus when I heard him putting all the blame on me again I was upset.

Yesterday he called twice but I couldn't answer cause I was in the Dr.'s office. The second time he left one of his mean and nasty messages saying that he never told me he loved me 3 weeks ago (which he did), never said he was thinking about coming home (which he did), and never told me to contact his family because they never liked me from day one (which he did), and that is another one of his lies. They even set our wedding date. They couldn't wait for us to get married.

He didn't talk to them for over 12 years, and when we separated he made up with them and must have told them lies about me and blamed me for him not speaking to them.

He is making me feel like I'm cracking up. Do all MLCer's lie as bad as he does? Why lie? And what is with this going back and forth. Our D14 said, wait and see he will be calling in 3 weeks again. But I blocked his number also, so in return he blocked mine. He also told me in the message for me and my D14 (yep, no typo he said my daughter), to go through his lawyer if we wanted to contact him and to never call or text him again.

I really need help on this one.

I'm glad at least you and ex are getting along for the kid's sake. I would do anything at this point for that to happen.

[Augtan]

GF,

I am so sorry!! I just got back on here after a really rough week at work!

Wow, I totally understand what you are going through, although my XH hasn't been like that with the kids (at least not to that extreme), most of the other stuff is very similar. XH let our gorgeous house go to "short sale" and has runied all our credit too. He has lied, lied, lied and lied some more. I have said to numerous people that I had no idea someone who once loved me like he loved me could look me in the eyes and lies that much about soooo many things. It is beyond nuts. He still lies to me and I will never understand it.

XH barley talked to his family and my D11 has never even met one member of that side of her family, the other two kids don't remember them at all. Since our D, he hasn't really gone running back to them, cause they aren't that type, but he has gone to see them twice...so I get that too. They aren't bad people, just not real family oriented and didn't like me. I was the "spoiled little rich girl, with the famous father". They are from a tiny town in a farm state, very rurel living. Just completely opposite from my life, and he was attracted to me for those reasons, he is a narcissist and that is how they roll. But, that is off the subject..

I am just so sorry for your D14, I have had some pretty ugly conversations with my D18, she is very difficult at times and so judgemental of how I deal with D11 who has ADHD and ODD which makes living with D11 miserable at times. But, I have never blocked her or been that awful to her. Last night, we had a huge argument because when she was living with XH she felt I put her in the middle between XH and me, and I admit at times I did, but not for the reasons she thinks. Anyway, it would be so easy for me to just kick her out and send her back to her Dad's or whatever, but that is not what parents do...period. Your H is out of control and you are right for removing him from you and D14's life right now. Hearing such horrible things can do damage to D14 and it is your job to protect her. I get very upset with the people on here and around me who say that at all costs you shouldn't interfere with the relationship between the parent and child, but when the so called "parent" isn't being a parent and is hurting your child even if only emotionally..imo..it is your duty as the "sane" parent to protect your child(ren).

Hang in there, I am sending prayer and hugs to you!! I so wish there was a way for me to give you my private email address and really don't understand why if I want to do that I can't...I know people on here have found a way to meet up and stuff...how they do that I don't understand, and I think that would be a positive thing about this site, being able to continue friendships and such in the "real world" away from here if they so desire.
((Goodfight)) (((Goodfight's D14)))

A

[Augtan]

Just wanted to journal an update on my situation with XH...

He is still without a job, but is close, has a few offers coming in this next week and still interviewing. We have talked a lot about us all moving to whereever he gets a job or even back to the city we lived in but to a totally different part, at least 50 miles away from where we were...long story why..but I will not go back to where we were, it isn't a good place for me or my kids.

Last night when we talked, I said "we need to be in the same place for the kids" XH said "the same place?", I said "same town" he said "same place and same town aren't the same" I didn't say anythinig, just moved on, but could tell he wanted no part of living togethter in this new town...so that made me sad, but I know that is not at all where he is with "us" right now anyway, so not a shock.

Then we talked about S15 who doesn't want to move at all and XH said "D15 will be fine, even if he doesn't want to admit it, he needs me and I need him (his voice was kinda cracking and he was choked up)" I said "you need us too, we need you, I need you..not like that but to help me with the kids" XH said "you need me to (insert sexual reference)" I said "oh that too, but we all need each other" We both laughted.

As many know, XH and I have never stopped ML for very long thru all of this. I read all of the posts by "Butterfly" and her H and their restored relationship and dont' think this is as bad as I previously thought, her H said it did keep them connected and that he thought it was part of why he did come home...so I am not going to beat myself up about continuing to ML with XH when he is up here.

I am not sure what is going to happen, but I don't want to be back together with him on only that level when we live in the same town and him think he can just date and stuff right in front of me all while we are MLing on a regualr basis, it is different since we live 700 miles apart now. I will have to be strong and cross that bridge when it comes. I will not give him any ultimatiums such as "we have to be together if I move to where you live" or anything like that, I am moving there for our kids.

I want to handle this all very carfully and make sure I do it as best I can and not push him away. I want to be his friend, but I don't want to be those people who say "oh, we are divorced and great friends, we get along better this way, we can't be married, we can't live together but are great friends apart...etc." I hate when people say that, it might be true for some people, but those people aren't attracted to each other anymore or something. I don't want to pressure him, I want it to be totally him who comes to me and says he wants to try to work things out and be a family again. I don't think it will be good or right if he does it cause it is what "falls into place" or because of finances or whatever the reason..I want him to want it so bad that he is willing to do whatever it takes...is that wrong? Is that only wishful thinking and that never happenes with and MLCer? I don't have any expectations really at all of this happening, and I guess that is why I set it so high, cause I really feel it isn't in him to do that. Because when we live in the same town he will get to see the kids as much as he wants, and I think that is a good thing, cause the kids need him in their life, but I am afraid he will be satisfied with just that and not feel the need to come home to me. Does that make sense? I will have to have very strong boundries and not fall back into being the "XW with benefits" and doing everything a wife does for her H, but he is still free to do as he pleases cause we are really D'd.

I don't know, I guess I am just doing so well, and am very proud of myself, I don't contact him at all and am fine with it, but he continues to come to me and tell me stuff...

I am rambling..so I will stop for now. Just so want him to WANT to come home, and I want it to come from him, and for him to process it all by himself and come to the conclusion that we love him so much and that he belongs with us..all of us, me included!

A

[Augtan]

Well, it doesn't look like XH will get a job that enables us all to move to the same town. He is most likely going to stay where he is and I won't go back there. If we moved to another part of the city, maybe, but not likely. He is going to come up here next week, so maybe we can talk then. I am just so sad, cause I really thought this was our chance to at least live in the same town and then maybe that would lead to dating. We haven't lived in the same place since about 3 months before the D was final. We have discussed wanting to date and stuff, but he always refused to do it long-distance.

I am just going to keep praying and give it to God...nothing more I can do. I am doing really well with how I am treating him and taking it very slow with no pressure or R talk at all. He is still kinda mad at me for some snooping I did that he caught me at, and I told him I understood and hoped he would forgive me...I told him there was no excuse for it, a 180 of sorts for me in his eyes.

A

[MynameisMZ]

Hi Augtan,

I think I'm up to speed on your sitch....been reading through it all.

MZ

[Goodfight]

A,
I was hoping you would move to the same town. But you never know what can happen. God may just be putting things on hold until he knows it is the right time.

All I do is pray. I haven't heard a word from H and either has our D14 since he changed his number. Talking about going from one extreme to another. A month ago he was coming home and now within the 2 days of him saying that he has gone away.....I'm so afraid it is for good this time.

I will keep you in my prayers.

[Augtan]

Thanks so much MZ and GF!! My story has taken yet another turn...XH got offered a job in DC for quite a bit of money, now he has two job offers and is expecting more. He is coming up here sometime in the next couple days and we are going to talk. He tried to call me yesterday evening, but I was taking exams at school, called him back and left him a message to call me if he needed to..

he texted me at almost midnight "at least DC is closer"

I texted back "I thought maybe we would all move to DC if that is the job you choose"

He texted "you just want (insert sexual comment)"

I texted "lmao..yep (more sexual stuff), can you blame me? And then I will tickle your back until you're asleep"

That is what I did every night when we were/are together, he loves it and I know he misses it a lot. Silly, but fun and flirty.

So...I have no idea what is going to happen and am trying so hard to not have any expectations. I keep telling myself that no matter what, we are fine here and we will be okay. He is the one who will lose out once again if he doesn't want to live in the same town. He will miss he only son playing HS football, his daughter pitching softball, and all the daily stuff that is great too.

Plus he will miss out on me..a great woman who loves him like no one ever will. I am a little scared to move to a new town, uproot my kids, and all that..yet again. I will have to do it with the attitude that it is best for my kids to be in the same town as their dad and have their dad in their life whether we are together as a couple or not.

I am not going to make anymore suggestions...he knows what I want, now it is up to him to say what he wants..we shall see, I just hope I can contain myself while he is here with us and just let him "feel" what it is like to be "home" again and pray that he craves that feeling more and more.

A

[Goodfight]

Hi A,

Things seem to be looking good for you, just give it some more time. At least he contacts you. Mine is back to no contact and changed his phone number so now D14 can't even call.

If you get a chance can you hop over to my thread. I'm having a terrible day.

[Augtan]

Just wanted to update and confirm that this MLC stuff is NUTS!!

XH came up here on Wed. night, things were great, had a few sparing words on Thurs. night, but nothing huge or out of control. He slept in my bed Wed. night, lots of MLing, it was great, then he fell asleep on the couch Thurs. night and slept there, which I was hurt and wondered if it was because our back and forth, but it wasn't. Things were going great, we were having fun as a family, he slept with me Friday night, no ML, just held me all night long and it was awesome. Saturday, we laid around all day, kids did their thing, me ML'd a few times and took the kids to a game place for dinner and games.

While the kids played games, we sat and drank and talked. He started getting nasty with me, slamming me, etc. And, then confessed that he had gone through my phone and seen text messages between me and my HS boyfriend. Now, this is a whole other ball of wax, and too long to get into, but I had an EA with HS BF eight years ago, it was only via email, we met once and went to dinner, no PA or even close. But, it devestated XH (H at the time)and he has never gotten over it. I think it trigged the MLC. I cut it off with HS BF and never spoke to him again until after XH's A..when he heard thru the grapevine what I was going thru and contacted me. He has been a support to me ever since. But, XH is still jealous of him.

IMO, XH has really been thinking of wanting to give "us" a try again, but he is still in the tunnel so is looking for a reason not to do it and not feel guilty about it, he went looking and found the text messages. It drudged up all kinds of stuff and he just sat at dinner blaming me for everything and ripping me apart. I just started crying and shaking, begging him to stop and realize that I tried to fix things after my EA, I asked him over and over to get help with me for it, etc. but he would always say that he was over it and just kidding when he would rub it in my face for those years leading up to his A...and he said "do you really think that if I believed that you loved me I would have had an A and left you?" again blaming me and saying I didn't meet his needs and love him. I said back "I begged you to tell me what you were feeling, what I could do to help you, but you always told me you were fine and things were fine..how can you expect me to "fix" something you kept saying wasn't "broken"??"

I am tired of being blamed. I know he does it because he can't look at himself and doesn't want to acknowledge his part in all of it, but I am just plain sick of it. I didn't have have a PA and EA, I didn't leave my family for an OP, I made mistakes, and all I wanted was a chance to fix them, to work on our marriage and he never, ever gave that to me post his A, he just ran back to her because I was devestated and couldn't feel bad for him when he finally came clean that he wasn't over my EA from years ago.

Our MC told us that we would have to heal my gaping, bleeding, huge wound from his A that was just discovered before we could work on the EA I had that he was still wounded from but that should have scab over it, that it forsure needed to be addressed and such, but the immediate need was his A and the pain and reasons for it that would lead to healing him, but it would take a lot of time and effort. Well...OW was willing to tend to his wounds immediataly regardless of how infections she was to them and how much worse she would make them in the long run, and he wanted instant freedom from the hurt, guilt and pain I was spilling out day and night, and she could provide that, so he ran back to her and that was it. It was all about him and what he needed, not at all about the pain he had caused me at that very moment or what I needed from him...he is a narcissist, plain and simple, who is also in MLC.

We still have a lot of emotions and unfinished stuff between us, he told me he thinks all the time about coming home or at least being in the same place so we would have a chance to see if we can "date" again and see if it leads to something. But, until he meets me half way on that and says he is committed to at least "trying", I am not doing anything, I am not going to uproot my kids again for him to just jump head first in the tunnel again and treat us awful. He needs time to process all of this. Time to let all I said really sink in. I am beginning to believe that there is just too much that has gone on between us and I know he believes that the baggage is to heavy to ever be together again as a couple, he even said that although he thinks about us being together, he is 90% sure it would never work to get back together. So, I am not sure where I am or if I am standing anymore. The rollercoaster just never seems to end and I am sick of the ride, it has been 4 years!! And, that doesn't include what went on with HS BF! I need off the ride!! I think I am going dark again.

A