just some thoughts from B

[dl443322]

I have been thinking about some things. Thought I'd share my thoughts.

I know that I agree with most of the oldtimers on a lot of things. But there are some things I see differently.

When we are trying to help someone dealing with anger, it may come across that we are saying that you shouldnt feel angry.

Here's the thing. This stuff s*cks. It's heartwrenching and heartbreaking and life changing. It initially brings you to your knees.

And you go through the stages of grief. Not all in order, not all the time.

And of course, you feel angry. The life you had is over. The future you planned is forever changed. And it was all done by the person you loved and trusted most in the world.
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And it seems as if they go off and live their life, leaving financial and emotional ruin in their wake.

And you get angry. Now, here's where I might feel differently then some. I feel that it is ok to be angry. You feel what you feel. You wouldnt be human if you didnt get mad.

But, it is how you deal with the anger that matters.

And how you deal with it depends on where you are. For me, in the beginning, I used it to propel me forward. I used it as a way to protect myself from the emotional breakdown I knew was coming.

Over time, I let it wash over me. I felt it, and then I let it go.

Here's why. If I held onto it, it weighs me down. It stops me from doing what I need to do.

It doesnt mean that I dont hate the things my h has done. But if I let the anger go, I can still feel love and compassion for him.

And that is really for me. Forgiveness frees you. Anger ties you up. If I allow myself to continue to feel anger, then, my h is taking even more from me.

That is also why detaching is so important. When you are really and truly detached, you are not affected by the things he or she says and does anymore.

And I know that many of you think that you are stuck keeping the family together while he or she is off having a ball. Let me tell you, they are not having the time of their lives that you think they are. And who cares if they are? I wouldnt want to be them for anything in the world.

Maybe I am the one who is keeping things together for my son. And taking care of everything else. You know what, I wouldnt have it any other way. You know why? Because I can do it.

When all is said and done, I wouldnt have traded this journey for anything. I am becoming the person I was meant to be. In my own way.

I like me. I like who I am and what I stand for. And if it hadnt been for this, I may never have been able to say that.

So, if you feel anger, do your best to feel it, then let it go.

Just because you can.

[Augtan]

Brooklyn,

That was awesome! Very well thoughtout and said! I agree with it all, I wish my XH could read that to understand that people can get past their anger, learn and grow from it and move forward.

One of the biggest hang-ups with my XH toward me is that he thinks I have too much anger and at times I did and I didn't handle it like you said you handled yours. I was nasty and awful, the anger I had before the A was anger from childhood issues and such, the anger after discovery of the A was way different and although justified, handled poorly by me, it was anger when in termendous pain and I couldn't and didn't know how to control it at all.

I was beyond a mess, so he decided that with my anger before the A and the new anger from the A, I was never going to not be angry and therefore he was never going to have peace..peace was being found very easily in the arms of OW, so he left me.

That is just the anger part of my story, there is much more, but I know to this day, regardless of all the changes I have made and how different I deal with the anger I have, he is still in MLC and refuses to acknowledge that I have released my anger and did it for me. I really don't care that he can't see it, because just like you said, it has changed me and letting it go had freed me to love him and have compassion for him and the old me could never, ever treat him like I do if I hadn't released the anger, so I know the progress I have made and I am feel renewed and free!! I still get angry over things, but how I handle it and set it free is soooo different and so refreshing and healthy. I hate all that H did to me and our kids, but holding on to it all is not making my or my kids future better. I can and I will continue to deal with my anger in a much more positive and correct way.

Thanks so much for posting that!

A
A

[MHL]

And I know that many of you think that you are stuck keeping the family together while he or she is off having a ball. Let me tell you, they are not having the time of their lives that you think they are. And who cares if they are? I wouldnt want to be them for anything in the world.

I think this sticks in some of our crawls for awhile and irks us......

I know it did for me.....

That is until friends and family (her mother especially) start to acknowledge that you are the more stable parent, the one who was strong in the face of adversity and the one that is recognized for what you have done and what you have STOOD for.

I find that the anger comes and goes but it does not burn just simmers for bit and goes away. Anger requires energy to keep up, it takes work, it is exhausting and stressful.

Being angry is not our natural state of equilibrium, at least it is not for me.

The best way to dispense with the anger is to get on with your own life.....If you are so busy with your own life you tend to not think about what your spouse has done.....sometimes it is impossible to avoid the reminders but eventually they too subside......

with TIME.

[dl443322]

Yep, MHL, you are exactly right.

Just some other thoughts rattling around in my head. Sorry, guys, bear with me.

I think that when MLC hits, it forces us into a life change. It forces us to look at our lives and ourselves and really figure out where we are and what we want and who we want to be.

And while it is a crisis that forces us on this path, we are not mired deep in the fog that our spouses are.

So, I think it might put off or eliminate an MLC of our own.

It's the gift that keeps on giving. LOL! I crack myself up sometimes.

[PEI]

I think that when MLC hits, it forces us into a life change. It forces us to look at our lives and ourselves and really figure out where we are and what we want and who we want to be.

And while it is a crisis that forces us on this path, we are not mired deep in the fog that our spouses are.

So, I think it might put off or eliminate an MLC of our own.

It's the gift that keeps on giving. LOL! I crack myself up sometimes.

LOL B-lady ... u crack me up too

Truth is, IF we do the work, then what causes the crisis in the first place has been eliminated. BUT if we choose to run from it, run from our own issues, or gloss over it in any way ... we are now completely at risk ... and perhaps even experiencing our own trigger event!

It truly is a gift to have this opportunity without the fog, without the regret, without the damage done to others ...

... the gift that keeps on giving indeed!

Peace
PEI

[cat04]

B-

My friend, you always manage to crack me up.

Love you sweetie.

[AntoniaB]

You are so right, Brooklyn. That's a great way to look at the anger issue.

For me, I really shut the anger off for as long as possible, to the point where my psychiatrist was wanting me to get angry already. She said I was just postponing the inevitable.

I think that in retrospect I was refusing to allow myself to get angry because I was afraid that IF I were angry and IF he "came to his senses" that I'd not be able to take him back. Like I was just supposed to pretend all this dyfunction and betrayal would be water under the bridge and ignore all the issues behind it if he would just DECIDE to choose to be with me.

The problem is that if he had decided to just choose me and I never let myself feel that anger, I'd have taken him right back, and probably the consequences would have been disastrous. Nothing that was a core issue in us would have changed because neither of us would have changed. We'd be the same codependent couple as always.

So I finally let the anger come in. I even said a few choice words to him, and soon after that, it was like I said my piece, and I felt some closure. That acceptance of anger and then the letting go of it when I was ready paved the way for a very welcome feeling of detachment and moving on.

If there is going to be any future with him, I know now that I have to really live as if there isn't. If there is, it needs to be FAR down the road. I've still got growing to do, but as I see it, he is FAR behind me, because he hasn't done one thing to face his fears or demons. He's simply wrapped up in another younger version of me and in pure denial. Until he stops denying that the problem was primarily "us" and that often the problems that contribute to "we" come from "me" first, he is a destructive force in my life.

I didn't realize this until I let that anger in.

Anger doesn't mean we don't love them. It means we are coming to accept that they weren't perfect and had flaws.

[beatrice]

Yes, this is one of the reasons we have to be so cautious about entering another relationships - we want one for the very good reasons that we miss the fun and intimacy of our old one, and the very bad reasons that we were desperately hurt and rejected, and our self esteem shattered.

If we look to a new relationship, or the restoration of our former one to make us whole again, then we are actually making the same error as our WAS, although less drastically. Of course we have the right to happiness, but it usually a by product of a life well lived, imo

This is our chance to re-find and sort ourselves, and decide who an what we want from our lives and what we can give. It is the giving as well as the taking that matters. The MLCer is all take, the imbalance is very marked.

[Grace_O]

Hey B,

Good thoughts and I love the humor

HUGS

[AntoniaB]

"The MLCer is all take..."

Oh wow, guess what stbxh said the day he left? He said that I was a taker all the time, and he was always the giver. He said that for once in his life, he was going to do the taking and go out and carve a new life for himself. He said "I can't sacrifice my happiness for you anymore."

Yeah, he is ALL take now. But back in the day, he had it wrong. I gave a lot. He just wasn't willing to see it.