My husband and I are having trouble. We havn't had sex in at least 6 months. I'm the low drive partner. He says that he still loves me, bu I worry that he's having an affair (I worry all the time!). We've talked about things and had agreed to try the "Great American Sex Challenge", but it's awkward to initiate since it's been so long. I'm 41 and went through early meenopause, so the last time we had sex it hurt and it was a disaster. I keep thinking about this and am afraid and anxious about the next time. How do we get started? How do we move past the awkwardness?
First congratulations on searching and finding this website.
As a HD man within what was a SSM, I really recommend that both you and your husband read MWD's SSM (the whole book) as it helped both me and my wife. The first chapter is free and can be electronically read on the website along with many other great articles (such as the Great American Sex Challenge one).
To answer your question as to how to start, I would suggest that you and your H work into sex, but start with touching. Sensate focus and couples massage are great ways to re-establish physical connection and physical non-verbal communication. If you can't handle that, try foot massages.
Try to interject playfulness and laughing into sex and sensual play with your husband. Because you haven't had sex in a long time, it seems like a big deal. It shouldn't be, it should be you and your husband playing and having a good intimate time together. that is why starting gradually is probably a good idea and not jumping directly into intercourse. Speaking of which sex is more than intercourse. The sex therapist that helped my wife and me, told us that good sex needs to involve childlike curiousity playfulness and that while some people use alcohol to medicate themselves to a chid-like state, sex is much better without the alcohol.
I would also suggest that the biggest male sex organ is not between a man's legs, but between his ears. Make your husband feel loved, and desired in ways that resonate with him. I would suggest the book by Chapman, The Five Languages of Love, that divides typical peoples needs into five catagories (Praise or Words of Affirmation; Touch; Gifts; Acts of Service; Quality Time). Find out what it is that makes your Husband feel loved and then do things in that language of love so he feels loved. Also make sure he knows your language of love and encourage him (through positive reinforcement) to make you feel loved.
Finally, I would like to suggest that you both get a good medical check up to see if there is anything medically wrong that could impact either his or your desire/ability for sex. There are lots of things from type 2 diabetes, heart problems, to low hormone levels that can negatively impact a couples ability to have sex. Once you are cleared from a medical standpoint then you will know it is just mental/emotional.
P.S. May I also suggest that you find and secure the services of a good sex therapist. Don't get excited, a board certified sex therapist is just a marriage conselor that has had extra training in dealing with couples who has sexual problems (i.e. like not having sex for 6 months). My wife and I used the services of a sex therapist after a 5+month stint of no sex and it really helped. what it takes to become a board certified sex therapist and a link to state members
My second suggestion on how to start would be to read the suggestions in the following website article and see how you feel about them and how they resonate with you. Article on destressing sex life and starting again
Good luck and let us know how you are doing. I found that spilling my guts and asking for advise on this forum was very theraputic.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
My wife and I have have been helped by a sex therapist from each list (this one had the woman who provided my LD wife with individual help) and the other list in the previous post was the organization that certifed the sex therapist that helped my wife and I as a couple.
Good luck
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
Why does sex hurt? I'd start by trying to figure that part out and fix it if you can. That's the low-hanging fruit.
I'm also curious--you say you're the LD partner and you haven't had sex for 6 months. Has it been six months since you even wanted to have sex, or six months since you and your husband were able to get that far for whatever reason? I've been told so many times that LD spouses often want more sex than they're having in a sex-starved marriage, but that was hard to believe for a long time.
...so the last time we had sex it hurt and it was a disaster. I keep thinking about this and am afraid and anxious about the next time. ...
I would suggest trying an Astroglide type lubricant, or a silicone based personal lubricant. And I would suggest not continuing on during lovemaking until you have sufficiently relaxed yourself.
