Thanks for your reply. Frankly struggling with all this big time. Every fiber of my being tells me she is making a big mistake and destroying our family.
Yes, I want to save my M, but Im not sure its savable anymore. She seems to be very happy where she is at right now.
Last Friday we got into a huge argument on the phone. She bought our girls a puppy from the pound, its something we talked about doing for the girls when they got older. I was mad and hurt and I let her know it. What happened to co-parenting? She lets them do things we both agreed not to before, including one of my girls getting a spanking. I really don't believe in spanking, she said she did it because one of my girls threw a fit and hit her. Long story short it lead to me accusing her of abandoning the family, she cried, and conversation was over.
I was really upset she got them the dog without talking to me about it first, but Ive been told now that she's on her own, she can do what she wants and I really have no say. I feel like she did it to gain favoritism with the girls. Its out of my control now, I can't keep her from doing things like that. So I told the girls they can have the puppy here at my house when they stay with me.
W and I talked the next morning, we agreed to be civil, but Im not happy shes not sticking to things we agreed to regarding raising our girls. Ive decided not to get mad anymore (its very hard, but its so obvious every time I do get upset, it just makes things worse)
So all this week during exchanges and other conversation, we've been friend(ly).
Last weekend the girls where with her, and I went out Friday and Saturday nite doing things I used to 10 years ago. Bad idea. It just depressed me even more. Just clubbing, drinking and spending too much.
Its going on one month now, and the only good days so far where two week ends ago when I had the girls, and we just did lots of things together. I have them this weekend and will do the same.
Right now I have no peace, I'm torn apart inside, I'm depressed big time, I work from home all day alone, and alone most of the time except when the girls are with me. I know, I need to GAL, I tried that last week end, but I think I just went in the wrong direction.
But my focus now is to put the anger away, and try to put it back on me and my girls.
*****
W just dropped of the girls. She looked ready to go out, I know she will be spending weekend with OM. Valentines day weekend, we got married on Valentines Day in 04.
I didnt say much, just asked her (nicely) if she's had any luck finding any work. Really bugs me she's not working, has time to do what ever she wants on my dime. I just wished her luck, and asked if there was anything the kids needed for school. And there was a few things, which I gave her a check for, and of course noted what it was for.
Man, what a mess. Spending some time tonite with the girls definitely helps, taking them to the library to get some books and movies and then to dinner.
I know I dont post a lot, but I appreciate any advice or words or wisdom anyone out there has for me. ALOT,
Me 44 H 39 Met in 1998 Married in 2004 D 5, twins Bomb - May 16th, 2010
"Don't let Tomorrow or Yesterday get in the way of Today"
I wish I could offer more, but all I can say is that I know what you are going through. My situation is very similar to yours. EA turns to PA, she moves out and here we are. Every day is a struggle. I also am the type to not talk to others about it, my wife was about the only person I really talked to about important things.
Hang in there.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
wow, it must be hard. My W took my D away 2 months ago and i have not seen her since. We are still trying to get the divorce done. It feels horrible to miss out on my daughter. She also did the birthday part without me.
But i am trying to keep the hope alive with the bigger picture in mind to see if i can get my W and the M back together even if the D goes through.
I would say enjoy your time with your kids. Show them all the love you would have shown your wife. You might feel better.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
Why don't you feel like your M is savable? I mean, it takes everything out of me, not just to tell you that you're wrong because there have been way worse situations where the M was saved, but perhaps you haven't yet told me something... So tell me why?
I'm trying to decide in the last four months what my best day was with my H. Was it the day that he told me to go f myself? Or was it the day that I found evidence of an A? Maybe it was the day he found another place to live. Listen, sweetie, it is bad, yes. But, that doesn't mean anything.
What are you going to do about it??? What are the 180's? Why, why, why are you still fighting with her? Where in God's name is Mr Bond because he will have quite a bit to say about the co-parenting issues. That just isn't cool.
What changes are you making? Don't just lay down and die. Fight... if for nothing else than for your daughters and yourself. But fight smart. And seriously, you have got to spend more time here. There are so many people who can help you if you give them a chance. The guys on this board are AWESOME and a lot of them are going through what you are. ScaredinCanada also is dealing with trying to parent his children while going through his tough sitch. There are a few differences, but he certainly can help with advice on how to handle the co-parenting with a less than willing spouse.
Hi Country_Song, your situation sounds just like mine. She started Medical Assisting School in Feb last year, May I got the 'bomb', suspected this guy from day one, she denied, blamed me for no longer being in love with me, she hid it very well, till a few things happened, and it was pretty obvious, and still denied.
mykarma, your W took your daughter from you for two months and you still haven't seen her? How can that be? Thats just totally unacceptable, I would use every resource I have if my W ever pulled that on me. Thats just awful and I hate hearing stories like this.
LIS, it just sounds like my W is happier than she's been in while. Instead of being a wife and mom, she's out having a good time with OM, new hobbys, spends lots of time with him, shes doing all the things she AND WE used to do when her and I first dated and before we had kids.
One of our many problems is we've never made any time for ourselves since the girls where born, no date nites, no movie nites, I worked, she took care of the girls. All work and no play makes...
She didn't even want to try, we went to counseling once, she didnt want to go any more, no date nites, she's just been done. She says sometimes people just fall out of love.
She even makes suggestions that I should date this one girl we've both known for a long time. A colleague of mine, who I am friends with, whom I generally only see at trade shows. She works in the same biz as me.
Thats why I think my M is over, esp since as time passes since she's moved out, she seems to moving on with her life.
And yeah the co-parenting thing, she just does what she wants, I just hear more things from the girls every time I see them again. Again yesterday she bought them more toys, she buys them pretty much what ever they ask for it seems lately.
Ill be around more, advice has helped me here in the past very much.
I made my first post here in June, and things have changed so much since then, looking back now, I wish I could change certain things I did and we might be in different place, maybe not.
Me 44 H 39 Met in 1998 Married in 2004 D 5, twins Bomb - May 16th, 2010
"Don't let Tomorrow or Yesterday get in the way of Today"
Lostnhurt I suggest you check out the mid life crisis forum. Take a look at the resources Cadet has posted and see if it doesn't sound like your wife.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
I suggest you take a big mug of coffee...it's a lot to read.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
I suggest you take a big mug of coffee...it's a lot to read.
Jeez, that is a lot to read. I think MLC is playing a part, but so were other issues in our marriage. (nothing more than most couples go thru, but she has zero desire to try at all to work on M)
I finally had to serve her today, I filed months ago, never served her. Had hope things would change, but now that she's moved out, with OM, I had to or my case would be dismissed. Frankly she seems to want the D, she signed the waiver of service and fax it to my attorney for me.
Im not happy atm, but feel like I am finally starting to move on, even if just a little bit. and starting to adjust to my new life, very slowly.
Well see what happens from here. I don't have my girls this week end, I will miss them. I think Saturday nite I may take them out to dinner, think W will be cool with that.
Unfortunately, I think we are starting to see this affecting the girls, the back and forth all the time, 2 nite each during the week, then 3 day week end, every other week end. Had a big crying spell over the week end while they were with me, my one daughter said she didnt like that we were not all together anymore.
Me 44 H 39 Met in 1998 Married in 2004 D 5, twins Bomb - May 16th, 2010
"Don't let Tomorrow or Yesterday get in the way of Today"
I suggest you take a big mug of coffee...it's a lot to read.
Jeez, that is a lot to read. I think MLC is playing a part, but so were other issues in our marriage. (nothing more than most couples go thru, but she has zero desire to try at all to work on M)
I'm sorry, I know how much that hurts. I'm in the same position.
I finally had to serve her today, I filed months ago, never served her. Had hope things would change, but now that she's moved out, with OM, I had to or my case would be dismissed. Frankly she seems to want the D, she signed the waiver of service and fax it to my attorney for me.
Im not happy atm, but feel like I am finally starting to move on, even if just a little bit. and starting to adjust to my new life, very slowly.
Well see what happens from here. I don't have my girls this week end, I will miss them. I think Saturday nite I may take them out to dinner, think W will be cool with that.
Unfortunately, I think we are starting to see this affecting the girls, the back and forth all the time, 2 nite each during the week, then 3 day week end, every other week end. Had a big crying spell over the week end while they were with me, my one daughter said she didnt like that we were not all together anymore. The kids always pay the highest price. They're shuttled from pillar to post, their parents squabble over them and they feel like packages for delivery. They don't get a say and it bites for them, because adult needs/demands/expectations trump theirs. My kids are not happy either. Last visit my oldest doodled 'come home' over and over in sharpie marker on paper and didn't even know he was doing it. He told me about it. My youngest begged his Dad to stay when he dropped them off from visitation.
I wish the WAS would understand that where it hurts them most.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
