**This was originally posted in the infidelity thread but had little response. Forgive me for posting here. This is the original post, but I will add updates in the next few days, as there had been plenty.**
I am going to try my best to piece this story together for you. Sorry of it is long. I am currently devastated and looking for advice. What may make this story different from the others I have been reading is that wife is having a 10 month EA and PA with another woman.
I would have added the details to my signature, but it would not let me for some reason. Me - 32 W - 32 S - 5 months M - 2.5 years T - 5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11
My wife and I have had a pretty good relationship from my ideas. There has never been any infidelity, physical violence, deep issues that can cause conflict. We have had our difficulties with communication at times, but what marriage doesn't? My wife and I decided that we wanted to have a baby and began starting in the Fall of 2009. We got pregnant in 11/09. During this time, we decided it would best to start seeing a marriage counselor to help with our communication skills before the baby arrived. These sessions began in the Spring of 2010 and appeared to be very helpful. We fought less. Worked on some of the strategies given. Things were looking better to me. It was also during this time that our therapist recommended that we give each other more free time on our own. I was working from home often, and my wife said that space in our small house concerned her. She began hanging out more with a new girlfriend from work more and more during her pregnancy. To me, I was happy for her. Her friend did not drink and was supportive. W had been sad that her older friends began to stray once my wife could not go out and party with them. The new girlfriend spent nearly everyday with W. At times I found it a bit odd, but I wanted to do my best to give my wife the independence with friends she was looking for. OW was married but was in the process of not being able to have children, so her marriage was rocky.
We also stopped seeing couples therapist in anticipation of our S arrival. Our S arrived on 8/14/10. Both of us were very happy. W's girlfriend was actually in the hospital with us, as W starting giving birth which was odd, but again I felt that this was my wife's new best friend giving support.
Shortly after the birth, W became very sad. Lots of crying. Staying in her bedroom with newborn S. Her mother and talked about postpartum depression. A week later, my wife gave me a bomb. She was really unhappy. ILYBNILWY. She said that she had talked to her doc, and he told her not to make any major decisions. He believed postpartum like the rest of us. I told myself it would get better and did everything I could to assist my wife with parenting. she also began seeing her own therapist.
W's girlfriend was working again while W was taking leave. She would come by on weekends. My wife complained that she felt locked in our home with the baby, so I encouraged her to get out. Still thinking postpartum. My wife began spending more time with her girlfriend. Sometimes spending the night. Since girlfriend lived on the other side of town, I did not flinch when she would tell me S went to sleep and she would just spend the night on girlfriend's couch. This started to happen often. they began to do more and more things together and I was feeling left out emotionally. The Fall of 2010, I began considering the EA.
On 12/14/10, after a very small fight concerning movie tickets that I wanted to use to take my wife on a date (she wanted to take girlfriend), she dropped the big bomb. ILYBNILWY. She also told me that she had not returned to sleeping in our bed, because she did not want to. She did not want any intimacy with me. For weeks, I had been encouraging her to our bed at night but had been patient while she nursed the baby at night. She said that she wanted space to think and left for her girlfriend's for a few nights.
***I am going to start a new post to continue, because I know this is getting long.***
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Hi Sparks, Looking forward to learning the rest of your situation. Remember to keep posting. You will get help from many on this board ... but keep posting. We'll be here to help you thru this.
B.I.T.S
Formerly known as onStepAtATime Me:31 W:31 T:13 yrs M:8 yrs D: 20 months ILYBNILWY: 9/22/10 "I want a separation" 1/05/11
While away, I sent my W a very long thought out letter telling her how much I loved her and wanted to fight for our marriage. I listed out things that I wanted to do to help with some of her concerns. I suggested we go back to marriage counseling that we had stopped after the birth our our S. She agreed to go to therapist with me. In session told me that she was not sure if she had the strength to fight for us anymore. She was not in love with me. She wanted time to think. She said that she came to therapy this one time but was not ready to commit to more. Therapist recommended we at least work on co-parenting in case of failure. W agreed.
For the last month, I have read several books. Gottman. Fertel. Weiner-Davis. I am staying incredibly positive and acting like super husband/father around the house. Not one argument. No fights. When together, we get along great. She will however, disappear a few days at a time without warning. It crushes me.
I began to suspect a PA on 1/16 after noticing some stain sleepwear in her overnight bag. She had been sleeping on girlfriends couch and had never slept in this stuff out our house. I then found more seductive lingerie in another bag in her closet that had never been in our home before. I began to look around and found a note in her bedside table written to her girlfriend and not delivered over the summer that explained how annoyed she was with couples therapy. she was stuck and only wanted to be with "you". this broke me. i began seeing a therapist on my own and introduced my concern. on 1/18, i logged into my wife's email. in a folder called "safe", i found 400 emails over the last 10 months between W and her girlfriend. PA. It began in 3/2010 when wife was 4 months pregnant. Started with curiosities. Girlfriend married now but husband had know about her being gay for years. W was curious but committed to me. It took maybe a week before those concerns faded. First night was PG13. Two nights later, they had graphic sex in a park. There are hundreds of emails between them providing very graphic accounts of their adventures. Started in a park. Then at our house when I wasn't home. They escalated to being in love. They talked about how they would leave their husbands and live together with the baby forever. Girlfriend ended up leaving her husband over the summer.
W and girlfriend spent everyday of the summer together while I was at work. Sex everyday. Very graphic sexual emails. In love. No cares. Embracing their new secret lesbian roles. After the baby, the girlfriend spent less time over due to family in town and both were heart sick. Around the same time I got my first bomb, an email came from the girlfriend that planned out an entire time line of an exit strategy. W replied that she was not comfortable with time and needed more time to figure things out with her therapist. Leading up to the second bomb, W and girlfriend spending every weekend together with S. Sometimes asking me if I would babysit S while they went off. I had no problems with that. I get quality time with baby and give the W a chance to get away without S.
I am now crushed. I still want to use the strategies provided here and by my therapist to let me wife know that I know about the PA. I am planning on writing a letter for myself to read in front of our original couples therapist. therapist agrees of importance of third party. have not asked W and can only hope she will agree. she really thinks I am in the dark about PA.
I can take all of the advice in the world that is out there about saving my marriage after a PA and am truly positive. there is just no information out there for same sex PA. is my wife a lesbian and always has been? was it just an EA that got out of control and the excitement of PA took over? i can only imagine if my W is pushing the time line out and out that she has questions. we both come from strong and active families. her emails told over and over again how she did not want to her me or her mother.
what do i do? is there hope?
**sorry for the delays. it seems that my posts need to be approved each time. this has been taking at least 24 hours between. i have another update since i have approached my wife that i would like to share.**
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Last week, I sat my wife down and read her a very heartfelt letter. I told her that I knew of the affair. I told her that I loved her, but there were only two options. She could either end the affair today and stop all contact. If this path is chosen, there would be a significant period of reconciliation, forgiveness, and trust rebuilding. If she chose to continue the affair, divorce would be in our near future. Neither of us come from a product of divorce and have both been very against it.
She said that she was very confused and in therapy specifically to address her sexual orientation issues as well as to break it to me and her parents at some point. She said that she could not accept my demands in my letter at this time, because she still has so much to work out on her end with her therapist.
She contacted her therapist that evening who suggested that she break all contact with OW, which I am trusting my wife has done. She has moved in with her brother who lives just down the street. We have been very positive as far as co-parenting our son, and we have been working out times where we each get to care for him.
We are both in individual therapy at the moment, and my wife has agreed to continue with our couples therapy which I am thankful for. Our communication has been very good, since this became public. If this was a hetero affair, I would have no question that we could save this. Since there are a ton of sexual orientation questions my wife is working out, it adds a whole other layer of complexity.
I talked to my wife about the two possible outcomes that we will have to workout over time. 1) We work hard through he reconciliation piece concerning the affair. Through therapy and self discovery, she recognizes that she is not a lesbian, and her feelings for women was just a wave in her desires. We work hard to improve our marriage and for me to discover how to fulfill some of the emotional needs that were lacking. 2) We work hard through he reconciliation piece concerning the affair. Through therapy and self discovery, she recognizes that she is in fact a lesbian. We divorce, but we work very hard to stay focused on bringing our son up in a positive environment with two split parents that get along very well and are active in his upbringing.
I think both scenarios start the same with lots of open and honest communication and healing. There will be a fork in the road at some point. I guess time will tell how things end up.
Anybody out there have any experience with same sex affairs? Any advice?
Went to first couple's therapy session last night. Very positive. Spent first part paying attention to co-parenting our son. Later started diving into our future. Have not dug up the details of the affair at all.
She still does not want me to contact her parents even though she told me they were told everything. They made the three hour drive down and grilled her pretty good for 24 hours before returning home. She is very close to her parents but feels that if I call them, it would allow for them to support my side and not her leaving her alone. I just want to contact them to make sure they know the whole story and that I am still in love with their daughter and will work towards a positive outcome for us and our son. Wife wants to keep it between us. I am surprised the parents have not called me yet, as they truly love me and how I take care of their daughter and our son.
Everybody (including a few therapists) have been telling me how mature and admirable I have been handling this. I am acting off my character and showing great patience and compassion. My father thinks I am in denial, naive, and have my head up my arse for not seeing the facts. He is also fighting longtime depression and has had an affair of his own. I just worry that all of my attention towards my wife and staying positive will not allow me to really grieve and have an angry period. I sometimes wonder if my wife is using the sexual orientation bit as a smokescreen to lessen the impact of the affair.
Had it rough last night. It was a night that we decided that our S would stay with W at brother's house, and I would not be coming over. I planned a night to meet a few friends for beers and trivia at a local bar to get my mind of things. It was pretty difficult. Constantly thinking of W and S. Had only 2 beers in a five hour stretch, since I didn't feel right.
On the way back home, I started to break down a bit. Just the idea of coming home to any empty house. Wondering how this ever happened. I called my Mom for support and to just talk. She helped calm me, however, both of my parents are older and conservative. They still believe that if she had any relationship that was same sex, then she must be gay. I have read to much and spoke to many psychologists that have been telling me that a woman's sexuality is very fluid, flexible, plastic, and can change often. Due to this, I have been keeping hope. If my W figures works on figuring herself out (without an affair ongoing), I will be patient and supportive. If this was just a complicated phase in her life due to a number of reasons that could include me dropping the ball on tending to some of her emotional needs at the time, I think we can still have a future together with our family intact.
Met me GP doctor today to renew some anxiety meds. He told me to keep my head up. Let my wife work on herself. Keep doing good things. Start exercising regularly to let of steam and take care of myself. Patient will only tell.
I could really use encouragement and support right now. If anybody has been in a same sex issue like this, please, please give me your words of advice or who I can turn to. There is not a ton of info out there concerning this. Thanks!
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Ugh... having a hard time myself and figured I would stop posting for awhile so I don't spread around my negative feelings. Your post touched me so I had to answer.
Yes, I am very familiar with this situation. What the psychologists told you was very true. If your W was a true lesbian, she would know it long before now and you would have seen the signs. Yes, we hear about this situation on the news and people getting married and having children and then coming out of the closet. This is not exactly what happened here.
Ok, so my good friend went through a rough patch in her life. She was divorced and dating for awhile but nothing much was happening in her romantic life. She got herself hooked up with another woman and pursued a relationship. She was happy for awhile (about 5 months) until she realized that it wasn't exactly the fulfilling relationship she was looking for. Now, what she felt was that emotionally, it was very fulfilling. Woman was very attentive. Sexually, she was not fulfilled. She said it was exciting at first, but that wore down and she constantly felt like something was missing. This wasn't the thing that caused her to leave, though. Turns out the emotional thing fell apart, too. The super-attentive female wasn't so attentive anymore. Friend said it was just like being with a guy after awhile. Friend said she felt like she lost herself and was looking for something else to make her happy. That's until she realized that she needed to make herself happy. She used to always tell me this quote from the end of the Wizard of Oz which has stuck with me, "If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own backyard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it in the first place."
Sparks, I don't think that the OW will ultimately last. But I don't think it's your biggest problem right now either. Kind of like that saying, "you can't see the forest for the trees." Your issue is that you are separated now and your marriage is broken. So, what can you do right now to repair that? And I know that you are working on these things and you need to be so proud of that! Consider the OW, the OM and move forward accordingly. The only thing that I will caution about is that if my hunch is right about this OW and it does end and your W does discover she would rather be with a man, she is going to crash HARD. My friend did. They think that they have finally figured their life out, but then reality sets in and all their illusions go up in a cloud and they are paralyzed with fear. She will come out swinging at anyone near her. That's when you support her.
Sparks, I wish that I could be more help to you. I can't even imagine the confusion and devastation that you are going through. We're here to support you and I pray for you.
lostinscared - Thank you so much. Your story and advice truly does give me hope.
You never know how you are going to react to this kind of situation until it happens. Instead of becoming angry at my wife, I took the high road and showed her compassion and care, as I know she is very scared and confused right now. Some of supported me on acting on my character. Some of my family believes I am in denial or naive. They believe that a 10 month affair with a woman (that may not have ended unless I found out) is not a flash in the pan. It is this struggle that fights with me everyday. I am just going to have to stick with my gut feeling and keep fighting.
If I fail, I expect that I will get hurt again. But if I do fail and my wife decides that she prefers women, I know that I gave it my best. My wife and I will also be on good terms which is extremely important for us to co-parent our son.
If I fight and it works out, I think our marriage can be rebuilt even stronger. I am fully committed to that, and it sounds as of now that my wife is even willing to go through couples therapy with me while she figures her own issues with her individual therapist.
I expect this journey to be a long one. At least I believe it will be a long one if my wife's heart is in it, too. If she breaks the advice of not ceasing the affair, it could end much quicker. I fear that. I also have lost trust in my wife for obvious reasons. I have a difficult time ensuring myself that all contact has been broken with OW as suggested by her therapist. How would I ever know? I don't know.
Thanks for the support. The quotes you provided are perfect and brightened my otherwise gloomy day. I truly appreciate that.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Your family and friends are going to want you not to hurt. Their advice is going to be geared to the "Pull the bandage off quickly" pull the trigger and move on approach. Hurts alot but over quick.
You're not naive.
Tell them you need their support in your decision to be married, and if they cannot help you in that, then you'll need to figure out who will when you need support.
Quote:
I think our marriage can be rebuilt even stronger.
It can.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
