The Lies and Deception Killing Me

[kml]

If OW was going to the convention he wouldn't be staying with your brother now, would he?

I used to go on business trips with my H, but frankly, it was fun for me but not so much for him - he had to be "on" the whole time for colleagues and such.

[Mint]

Hi Abby, I am new to this forum as of today. Read some of your post. Oh my, sounds so familar it hurts. I have been married 21 years and am dealing with repeated lies of a 3 plus year being over. I've been told this so many times. I know he is lying. It is driving me crazy! The other reason I responded to your post is I also live in So Cal. I am very alone in that it has been 2 years since I found out and I haven't told anyone. I am going crazy! I hope to get to know you better.

[abbey1989]

Hi KML,

H didn't end up going to the convention because he had too many conflicts with work. So...I got myself all worked up over nothing!

[abbey1989]

Hi Mint,

I am so sorry you are here! You will really get some helpful and caring advice on this board. I still struggle with the lies that I know about....but also the possible lies that might be taking place. Losing trust is such a horrible thing!

Hope you are enjoying this sunny day.

[abbey1989]

Hi,

Just want to get your opinions.

My H over the last couple of years has not always been readily available by cell phone. He says that he is....but he's not. Even the kids know he is hard to reach at certain times.

Over the weekend I lost my cell phone. H knew I lost it because I told him. I reminded him on Monday morning that I didn't have my cell phone. We had talked about meeting up at a local adventure store that night to make some purchases for our hike on Saturday. I assumed we would go later (after 5:30 or so). So I left work around 3:30, went home, changed and went the gym and then grocery store not knowing that he was there at the adventure store waiting for me. He kept trying to call me on my work number and then the home number. He had my son drive by my work to see if my car was there and H even drove to a location where I often hike alone after work to see if I was there.

OK...so literally....I was out of touch for 2 hours MAX.

I felt bad that I had misunderstood about our meet time at the adventure store, but he was really *issed at me for not being able to reach me. He said that "it goes both ways" and "not to get on him when I can't reach him". Which I don't feel like I do, but sometimes I say things like "I've been trying to reach you all afternoon" if I HAVE been trying to reach him all afternoon.

Wow....all this time I was thinking....he knew I didn't have a cell phone that day!!

I think he blew things way out of proportion. Am I crazy?

Plus he has been more distant (physically) but we have been spending more weekend time together lately. We have been training with 3 other couples for two big mountain hikes coming up. I have to ask for a hug in the mornings. Seriously....who has to ask for a hug? Is it too much to expect an occasional spontaneous hug from my husband?

[kml]

Lol! It freaks them out when it occurs to them that maybe what's sauce for the gander is sauce for the goose too!

When my husband had his affair, one day I was driving and he had to answer my cell phone for me. After, he started looking through the list of incoming calls and asking me who this number was and who that one was! Me, who had never even looked at another man in 26 years!!!!!! It was purely his own guilt speaking.

So.....your H probably had a little moment of wondering if YOU could be out doing something naughty. Let him wonder - it's good for him to feel the shoe on the other foot!

[abbey1989]

I thought the same thing....that he might think I was actually up to something.

Had a very fun yet exhausting day yesterday with H and 5 of our friends. We hiked San Jacinto Peak. H sometimes would pull ahead (I was the slow one of our group) but then he would stop and wait for me to catch up. At the end when the rest of the group was booking it down the mountain (they were maybe 5-10 minutes ahead), he slowed up and hung with me. That was very nice. It was very much an endurance type of day, and we joked a lot at the end that we couldn't believe the parking lot was still so far away. All in all...I'd say it was a great experience and something fun that my H and I did together. Afterwards we all went to a local spot for a beer and a burger.

I do feel lately that we are living more like roommates (in the same bed). I'm a bit tired of pursuing, so not doing much of that. We stayed in bed until noon today just watching the Tour de France and resting up from our trek yesterday. He helped clean up the house and then took off on his motorcycle to who knows where? Probably OW? Maybe not? I just don't flipping know.

Our big adventure to Whitney is in a couple of weeks. We learned a lot from our trip yesterday and we'll be joined by the same group of friends so it should be a trip to remember.

Happy 4th friends....A.

[abbey1989]

Yesterday H and I picked up D17 from the airport. We met half way so we could meet her in one car. Guess where he had me pick him up? The shopping center closest to OW's rental house. OMG!

I do believe (in a way) that he was coming from work when he met me......but who knows?

[abbey1989]

Hi,

Doubt....suspicions....ugh....hard to let go. OW was promoted to a director at the college. H got gas at the station right near the college on Friday and also has lunch frequently over that way so I feel pretty certain he is still in contact (at a minimum). He left on his motorcycle yesterday for 3 or 4 hrs.

I never thought that his behavior would effect me for SO LONG and make me doubt myself as much as I do.

We are headed out on a vacation for a week on Saturday. Will be nice to be out of the orbit of OW.

H has not made any kind of advances for at least a month.

D17 and S20 are headed away to college at the end of August. Then it will just be us. I am quite anxious about that.

[AJM80]

Hi Abbey- I've been out of touch for awhile, just caught up on your last few pages of posts. Your much deserved venting set aside, your posts are mostly about what he is doing and your efforts to track what he is up to.

My tentative advice to you....save up some cash and hire a private investigator. Document the affair so that you don't feel crazy any more. Then decide what you are going to do. I'm not advocating divorce or confrontation or any other specifics. But you are in control of your life and I want you to stop chasing him around letting him mess with your head like this. Take back the power you have over your life. I do think you need to know for sure and be able to prove he is cheating - it sounds like you're getting close to the edge of what you're going to tolerate from him without blowing up and confronting him. If you want to, do a free consultation with a local attorney to find out what lies ahead if this does blow up. It would be for you to know your options, not to shake things up - don't let anyone rile you up or push you away from DBing or the path you want to take.

Regardless of what you decide, you should have a solid financial plan in place, in case this does end in divorce after your kids are both in college (very soon, right?), you should make sure you have copies of financial records/account numbers/tax returns in a safe place, you should ensure that you have some money in an account he cannot access so that you can function for a couple months.

I don't know what more experienced DBers would have to say to that....I just feel thing overwhelming sense that maybe you're going down cheeseless tunnels and he's not responding and you're getting worn down and just going along with it, rather than chosing to detach and chosing to wage war against the infidelity. Lots of love and all my best to you. I still believe you can come back to a good marriage and happiness.

It sounds like he is doing more things with you, which is great. It bothers me a lot that he threw your bday card away. Very petty and mean. Keep focusing on those positive interations with him and keep taking your time away from him. Good for you, going to the gym and on hikes and all these fun things.