My W had her therapy appointment today after work, so she was not able to pick up our S from daycare until 5:30. It was my night to keep him, so she had to swing by her brother's place to pick up bottles for tomorrow's day care, and his swaddle that he has to sleep with.
When she got here, it was just about his bedtime routine. I was not expecting having to make four bottles of formula for daycare, as this was the first time. I didn't have enough at the house. Since I had to start my S on his routine, because he was getting sleepy, my W reluctantly ran to get formula. She left in a hurry and told me that she would see me in the morning.
It was about halfway through his bedtime routine, I noticed that she forgot the swaddle. I tried calling. No answer. Tried to text telling her that I had a question about our S for her. No answer. For the next 30 minutes, as I am trying to get my S down, I tried calling a few times and a few more texts. She always answers if it deals with our baby.
She had said that she was going back to her brother's place, so I sent him and his live-in gf a text. Girlfriend responds that they were just at dinner and on the way home. She understood the situation and would look for my wife or the swaddle when she got home.
My W then calls angry. Why are you acting so accusatory? The swaddle is there in the bag I left. She then realized the bag was in her car and rushed over to drop it off.
When she got here, she was angry. Mad that she felt like she was on call. Then got mad that I questioned why I had to try to call so many times. I then asked her that I hope she was being honest with me. For those that don't know, I discovered a 10 month affair with my W and OW about a month ago. There has been no contact, as we have been going to couples therapy. In the last session, she mentioned that she had never had an emotional connection with another person besides OW, and that these were the questions she was trying to work with her personal therapist about. I really have been patient. In the last month, I have only asked her one time for reassurance that there was still no contact.
She began yelling at me. Telling me that she couldn't have a night off. Then started saying that she was at a restaurant and her phone was in the car. She had ordered food and was drinking a margarita while she waited. More yelling at me, but I kept my cool. She then ranted about our 50/50 custody arrangement that had been working so well for both of us. She told me that she couldn't live like this. She didn't to be in the house, etc. She yelled out the house and left. She then came back in, dumped a to-go plate of food from the restaurant in my sink as asked if this was good enough proof where she was. She then stormed out and said that was now not going to eat and go to bed.
So here comes my question. She had the affair, right? I know that I have to detach from ever mentioning the OW, but when things are suspicious, and I weaken, why would my W get so angry that I just needed reassurance.
I then screwed up again I think and sent her a text to attempt to cool things over. Bring out the 2x4's. I feel like all of the progress from couple's therapy just got destroyed.
"If being honest, I do apologize for doubting you. You have to understand where the mistrust comes from, though. I have been burned badly. There have only been two times now where i have broken and asked for reassurance. It is very difficult for me, but I have been fighting like mad to gain your trust back, and I believe it can happen. I never intended for you to be on call. Tonight was just a crazy night all around with picking up <S> late, his car ride feeding, the lack of formula for his bottles. I think the swaddle just topped it off. We have been doing a pretty awesome job co-parenting <S> as our therapist recognizes it. We are doing so well, and I truly appreciate how you have handled it. I know you are worn out and just want a night to rest. I would like to order you a pizza deliver as a peace offering. Can i do that for you? I was sad to see your enchiladas in my sink."
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Since the bomb, this has really been our first fight. I say fight, because she was furious and yelling the entire time. I did not fight back and kept control of my temper.
How do I handle this? If I could my family right now, they would tell me quit being a doormat and stick up for yourself. She did this to you. Blah Blah. I am trying to keep things going positive. I just can't believe that she has been trying to turn this infidelity on me. Making her the victim. IS this healthy?
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
I wish I could help more, don't really know what to say other than I don't think you can "fix" the situation. It happened, put it behind you and continue to move forward.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Thanks, CS. I just got caught in a weak moment with a wife that was emotionally and physically exhausted. MWD talks about "Strike When the Iron Is Cold" in DR. can't change my reaction, but I can learn for it.
I need to better understand that I cannot make my W's choices for her when it comes to the OW. She has told me there is no contact, and I need to get to a point where I trust her. It is pretty difficult, though.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Sparks, When our S commits A we ARE owed an apology BUT they will not give it in most cases. I understand your need for assurance. I can't tell you how far I have gone to verify that my W's EA is over. And she HAS ended her EA. If it IS going on then they are doing some crazy things to hide it. I check EVERYTHING!!!
Yes, I too have had the urge to ask but I don't.
Your mistake is minor. She DOES understand. Let her work through this herself.
You are doing great work!
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
You feelings are perfectly normal and ok. Look when it comes to the kids then that takes over everything. She wanted a night off, good, next time don't leave the swaddle in the car. You did what you could do. You stayed calm and let her rant.
I'll save you the 2x4 because I don't think you really need it. I like to use those for people who really deserve it...........like myself
sparks it sounds like she was just giving you some displaced anger
when it comes to your s, you have every right to make sure everything is in place SHE should have been apologizing to YOU, for not leaving the swaddle honest mistake, i know, but how can she possibly be angry at you for that irrational displaced anger, or maybe guilt
yes you should leave your questions about the affair alone if you are going to forgive, you need to move on from it and the letter, well, i have done that, and regretted it immediately but it is done and move on from it
she made a very dramatic exit, throwing the food in the sink
she sounds very angry right now and you did well at keeping you cool very well done
Thanks all. It was just a crazy moment. Yes, the swaddle is something you figure out with a baby. Mine even at 6 months will simply not go to sleep without one.
W came bright and early to pick up our S to take him to daycare and school. He had been up since 5:50 this morning, so I had everything set before she got here. He had been fed, changed, bag packed, bottles filled, and just ready to go.
Next to the bag, I made her a to-go coffee cup with a taped note on it. (I know, I know). This was in a much different tone from the apologetic text from last night. It simply said that I recognized how this week (first ever daycare, new job, etc.) has been completely emotionally and physically exhausting for her. I couldn't imagine how she felt right now and understand that she just wanted a quiet night with some dinner and a bed. I told her that I hope she had a better day, and that I promised it would all get easier.
No apologies. Just validations.
When she got here, she actually apologized for her behavior. This was very welcoming. (I am a very apologetic person when I do wrong. W not so much.) She said that she was just so tired and only wanted a small break while I had our S. I accepted her apology and told her to have a great day as she left.
Crisis aborted. I'm pretty sure.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
