Time to start a new thread. For those interested in my long winded stories, feel free to catch up. If not, I could always use guidance from this great community. Thanks for checking in!
Rough morning. I had my S again last night. He was up for good at 6:00, so that gave me 45 minutes to get him ready for daycare before W came to pick him up.
W came in not in the best of moods, but hey, it was 6:45. She said she had a rough night of sleep. In addition, I can understand how stressful this week has been on her due to having to put our first child in daycare this week, starting her new job, and having to 50/50 co-parent.
I tried to make small talk about our son, but everything came back to me very negative.
I mentioned that he did pretty well last night, but he did not sleep from 4-5, so that was a tough hour. She snapped back that it was probably because he has had to go back and forth all of the time. Has it crossed her mind that if we get a divorce, it will be this way forever?
I mentioned that I know that she is having a hard week, and she came that I had no idea. She never wanted to put our son in daycare. I told her that I did not either. She said that even if she didn't move out, that we would have had to. (I disagree and had told her months ago that I would do whatever it takes to support both of them, but I did not mention it this morning to prevent an argument.)
W is throwing a ton of her grief at me right now. I have been doing my best to duck and dodge and prevent anything that would cause an escalation. I would love to tell her that dug this hole for herself with the affair, but I know that would not go over very well.
She is completely overwhelmed right now. I told her that she should have a little more space when she moves out of her brother's apartment and into her own next week. She agreed.
Where did my W go? Who is this person? I know that it has been tough on her, but I feel like she has been trying to turn herself into a victim. First it was the cloud of the same sex issues to cloud the actual affair. It was then the privacy breaking and the impossibility to regain trust after checking her email to discover the affair. Now it is the resentment of having to get a job and daycare. Last night, it was that she had no friends to talk to, or do anything with, and she felt like she was on call for the baby. Geez. Is this normal? I just feel like my wife is trying to turn the attention towards her.
As she left angry, I did send her a text with the info she will need to check into daycare (wakeup time, diaper change time, bottle time). She wrote back later with a thank you. She then wrote again "lots of tears this morning. I'm having trouble going in to work." I wrote back that I hope she would have a great day and to look forward to the weekend. I then mentioned that I realized that I couldn't fully understand how she felt right now but that I cared for her and how she felt. Told her that things will get better and told keep her head up. I know. More behaviors coming from me of support where I should detach.
Looking forward to our weekly dinner tonight. She has made it a bit hard, since she has a meeting after work, then has to pick up our son, and then wants to take him to a local park to beat traffic. It worries me, since these were the local parks that W and OW would go to begin their physical escapades. I wish she would skip the park and just meet me for dinner.
Things seem to be digressing this week after a great couples therapy session on Tuesday. It probably has a ton to do with W's stress and my new insecurity thinking W is in contact with OW.
Hope it gets better again.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Spent some time working on dinner plans this morning. Found a sushi restaurant near her work and daycare, so she wouldn't have to be in traffic (and maybe avoid going to the park). Called ahead and made reservations for a baby friendly table. Place was very accommodating.
Sent wife a text. She said she liked the idea. We worked out the logistics. I told her that sushi would put a smile on her face and that I hope her day was getting better. She gave me a "Thanks".
This will be the second dinner of the proposed weekly dinners out. The first went great. I just hope this one is the same, even with her changed demeanor this week. Wish me luck.
Question: Do the extra comments I put in these exchanges like "hope you are having a great day" or "take care" or "hope things are getting better"... do they go against detaching or is it okay small talk in the circumstance?
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Dinner plans changed a bit but for the better. She got off work early, so she called me and said that she was just going to come straight home. That way we could eat closer to the side of town where we both stay right now. I said "awesome. will work on new venue. call you on the way home from work."
After making another set of reservations at a local sushi joint, I called her to tell her I would pick her up at 5:30 for our reservations (figuring confident, leader, upbeat). She said that she was already at our house. I did smile.
Picked her and my S up after we played a bit at home. Had a great, casual, stress free, R free, banter all meal. Sometimes laughter. Helping each other out with our S and never a negative comment the whole time.
Just got back to the house to drop her at her car. S is staying with her tonight and tomorrow, so I am headed out tonight to see go see a band downtown. I was surprised that she did not ask if I was going out, but I can understand why she didn't.
I love these dinner "dates?". It gives me and maybe her a glimpse every week of how things could be. Since I can only control my action, I will take these nights as a positive.
By the way, any answers to my questions from my post above? Would love the feedback.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Thanks, Figg. I know you are there when I need good advice.
I have to detach the OW completely. It is just really difficult in this situation, but I know it has to be done. Knowing that my W really doesn't know (or at least she says) what she needs, but that she feels the most emotional connection to OW really gets to me. I feel sometimes like she has made up her mind, and all of this is just for show.
I also need to detach from the attention to the wife. This can be difficult as well, because we do communicate everyday due to the swapping our S back and forth everyday. Add in our couples therapy on Tuesdays and our planned once a week no stress dinners out, it can be tough to ignore. I do hear what you are saying, though.
Tonight, after my wife and S left, I did one more extra thing that has to stop. W has our S tomorrow all day, so I mentioned on the way home from dinner if she wanted our Bob stroller to walk around the lake. She said that she did and a great idea. When we swapped cars at the house, we forgot about it.
On my way out, I grabbed it and drove the on mile to her brother's apartment to drop it in her car for her. I sent her a text letting her know that we had forgotten it, and I knew she was looking forward to the sunshine with our S, so I dropped it off for her. Her car was there, it has a key code that she knows that I know, so it wasn't a problem. To me, at least I wasn't getting into her space by coming up to the apartment. That is what I was thinking on my way over.
I know in the end, that this was too much to do for her. I know that she can even take this as me spying on her to make sure she really was at her brother's place and OW was not around. After I did all of this, I realized all of this. It was also an extra favor that was not needed. I kicked myself for going against my promise on here, but I made the mistake. At least as a positive, I mentioned that I dropped it off on my way out. Being a weekend night, at least she may be curious as to what I am up to tonight. She always is. GAL.
Oh well. Win some. Lose some. I want to win a thousand times more than I lose, though.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
I am feeling really angry right now and could use some help and advice.
I feel like the dishonesty from my W is taking me over the edge.
Who is this person?
In couples therapy, we brought up our tax refund. We had made the decision long ago to pay off debts. Now she wanted it to go towards day care. Using Turbo Tax, the refund was looking to be $4k before I got her W2 entered. Once entered, it dropped to a $1800 refund. I am not an accountant, but it seems to me that if she were to file solo, she would be owing taxes. She still felt obligated to some of the money. The therapist said that since we were still married, we could just split it. We both agreed.
Now... going through old mail, I had found a paycheck from my W's job from last summer that for some reason was not auto drafted. I asked my W to take it to school and see if she was owed this money. She came back and told me that they would figure it out and email her. I asked her to keep me posted. The other day, I noticed that her work deposited $1900 into our account. I thought awesome! Today, I discovered that my wife went to the bank and withdrew the entire total.
She has her own checking account that she has been very secretive about. She is about to move into an apartment "for space" next Saturday. I know that she is going to have a very difficult time affording to love on her salary, but I have decided to bring up that we will be splitting accounts and no longer have a joint account once she separates.
Now I find out about this withdraw today!
Please help me off the ledge here, because I am having a very difficult time not thinking that she is playing me for a fool right now.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
I'd say that right now you guys are going through a lot. So if there are things that you can afford to pass, i would say let is pass and not let it bother you that much.
f you think that $1900 is goona hurt you financially then i guess you can sit down and talk. If not let it go. She could be hoarding that money right now just to prepare herself for a single's life.
In the whole scheme of things in your life, that $1900 might not matter much.
just my 2c
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
As we have been living paycheck to paycheck since the baby was born in August, it kind of is a big deal. That is money that both of us could use to keep our heads above the water right now. The fact that she pulled it without even a phone call?
I really feel like this is all for show right now. Couples therapy, our weekly dinners, 50/50 co-parenting, even those supposed no contact with the OW.
I feel like my wife's lies and manipulations are feeding this behavior. I am starting to feel like she has already made up her mind, and is just doing this to prevent me for going after the full custody of our son which she so desperately afraid of in our very conservative county.
Where I thought I was making real progress in the fact that we were really getting along, and made a stride in therapy as far as communication, and having a good time at our dinners, I feel like this is all a game to her right now.
Am I getting played here? Do I stop therapy and our dinners and go in the dark? This is really bugging me.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Any BITS have any advice out there? Do I stick with this plan of 180, detach, and GAL?
I guess in the end that is all I can do, because I can't make her decisions for her. If this is all a game of manipulation and dishonesty for her, do I just sit back and try and not let it effect me?
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
