Same here, I look forward to spending holidays and other special events with IL's. I grew up in a small family with a couple of aunts & uncles. The holidays while growing up always seemed like an aristocratic tea party. .
However, at the IL's each occasion is a celebration and a feast with fun people, and there's relatives coming and going all day long. While I recognize the faces of most, after all these years, I still don't know them all by name or by relation ... let's see that one is her grandmother's sister's cousin on her mother's side ...
I just don't understand why if things didn't work out, you believe you'd have to give up the in-laws. We learned a long time ago it doesn't have to be that way. There are people we just ain't gonna let go of and they aren't gonna let go of us - regardless. Sure there would have to be some alterations in the "afterlife" but nothing that isn't reasonable and good manners.
Anyway, it's nothing to dwell on anyway. Why cross the bridge that's 4 miles down the river?
PNT - I always want to call you Eliza (Doolittle) - you just transform so vibrantly. Still some hang ups (like who doesn't have those) but a clear understanding. You've had more flashbulbs go off over your head than JLO in that green sheath.
Have you ever read any of Bridget's threads? I really think you may get something from her. She's incredible.
Well, to answer your question, my inlaws (his parents) clearly withdrew from me and both said some things that hurt my feelings. I'm doing my best to keep the relationships up but it was clear from the begining that if the marriage was over, any further communication from me would be inappropriate.
And sadly, the kids follow the lead of his parents.
However, his step-mother has stayed true to me and continued to be a wonderful friend.
Phoenix, I love "My Fair Lady". I'd love to become as dignified as Audrey Hepburn!
Yesterday was my husband's birthday. I called him to wish him happy birthday.
I've actually been doing the equivalent of Andy's 'hug and run'. I would call him first thing in the morning at his job and speak to him for about 2 min. I made sure I was always perky and loving. And then I'd tell him I had to go and say bye.
That seemed to be getting a favorable response from him. He kept thanking me for calling and he continued to sound happy to hear from me.
I got my emotional need satisfied, and I showed him my happy self. Without intense conversations. Just staying very light-hearted.
Then yesterday, he starts back to his more of the same. Did I mention it was his birthday? Well I asked when we would get together to do our joint birthday celebration. He said he'd let me know. That he couldn't do it this weekend because he would be out of town. I asked what he would be doing and he didn't answer but said he had to go.
Sigh.
I get nosy and he goes back to his same routine of the 'aloof rebel.'
Ouch.
So, this is my hang up.
My insecure self is thinking, "I'm his WIFE! Don't I have the RIGHT to know what his plans are? Why is he doing this if he's got nothing to hide?"
My DBing self says, "What'd you expect, you went back to old habit and he responded the same way he always has."
Ouch.
I keep talking about not calling him and putting less effort into the relationship.
I get confused though, because it seems like my phone calls are being met with a favorable response. So, if I keep calling him, I'm doing more of what works. Right?
Yet, I need to keep in mind my long term goals.
I want to have an open honest relationship with my husband. Someone who shares things with me. I want someone who wants to be with me. Who will put in half the effort to keep the relationship good.
Someone who makes me feel good about myself and who I am.
He's a little boy sometimes, a teenage rebel sometimes. The only times I've seen the man lately, is when he's being business-like with me. In regards to our taxes and finances.
I'm hurting and so now I'm wondering again, if there's any purpose to us being together. Yes, I feel all warm and fuzzy when I hear his voice. But he has different goals than I.
He wants to be a beach bum. Not interested in a career, just wants to make enough money to cover financial needs. He's happy being a hermit and having very superficial relationships with people.
I am constantly trying to become a better person. I want to make a positive difference in the lives of those around me. I want a deep relationship with a few people in my life. I want a career that is personally fulfilling and satisfying and makes a positive difference. I'd love to have my own massage therapy businesess and write part time. I don't know if I could make any money writing books, but I'd love to make it a hobby. At some point, I imagine being a stay at home mom and running my massage business out of my house.
He just wants to play.
I'm 28...he's 29. We have no kids.
There is no reason why we can't just go our separate ways.
We've already split up the finances. I'm living with my parents and getting my life back on track. I'm paying off all my hospital debts from 2 years ago. I'm losing weight. 2.6 pounds down this past week! I'll gradutate from massage therapy school in June. I have a great job with benifits at my favorite University.
Whenever I think of us, I see him as a devil, me as an angel. Not a realistic characterization, I know. But he's always wanted to be evil , and I'm always trying to become a better person.
Can this kind of relationship work, much less have a happy home and bring up good kids?
There's been several incidents that make me question his character. But I keep telling myself that the past is past. It's not fair for me to hold things against him.
But my entire family seems to be against him.
And as I make progress in my life, I get scared and anxious. I am moving further down the path I envision for myself. He really doesn't want anything to do with these things. He's not interested in helping people. He's said to me in the past, "People annoy me. I don't like people." another time he said, "People annoy me, you annoy me the least."
My DBing self says this is all in the past. He's changing, I'm changing. I need to find out who these new people are..and see if we are compatible.
If he were a friend that I hadn't heard from, I'd call maybe once every 3 months.
If he were a friend that didn't want to tell me his plans, I'd be wondering why this 'friend' was so walled off. I'd assume that it had to do with his inner demons and not me, and I wouldn't take it so personally. I'd probably cut him some slack and not be hurt by it. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt.
I know that DBing has helped me a lot. Helped me be a better happier person.
I think honsetly right now the best way to go about things is to continue on your own path...making your life what you want it to be...working toward the goals you envision for yourself...treat h as a friend...and try not to let his actions or lack there of get in your way...treat him the way you described in your post..and maybe over time he'll let that wall down.
I've listened to his 'relieve stress and anxiety tape.' It's pretty good, but lately I've been sticking with his weight loss tape and his astral projection tape. I like the astral projection tape because it gets into the relaxation exercises right away. I think the relieve stress and anxiety tape starts with an exercise in which you re-create in your mind a nasty situation. His point is that it's in your mind, and your feelings react to what's in your mind, rather than the other way around. However, I don't find it very relaxing and if she is in the middle of an attack, I don't think it would help! If you decided to buy this tape, you could record a copy of it without that first part so that she'll have the relaxation exercises.
Every tape of his starts with, "Hello, Greetings...and Welcome." My dad hears that and he falls asleep instantly...talk about trained!
My mom bought a whole bunch of tapes back about 15 years ago. I've listened to most of them. He has a really calming voice.
I also like his psychic protection because it walks you through creating a 'safe place' in your mind.
Perhaps this would be a good alternative to babbling?
I find it calming to listen to the same tape again and again. And it trains my mind to know that when I pop in the tape, that it's bedtime.
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