Crawling out of my hole.

[NotFromThesePart]

Well it is almost 6 months exactly since my W told me of her affair. I’m officially here now rather than Newbies. Where to start?

I won’t go into the details of how I got here because in the end it doesn’t matter. Her are the important parts:
• Apart since May
• W’s affair Aug-Dec.
• Anger, sadness - Aug-Dec
• My acceptance Jan.
The D was W’s idea completely. I did not want it. I spent a few months trying to show her we could get through it. She never saw the light at the end of the tunnel and I couldn’t make her.
We are mostly civil now, though tempers occasionally flair on the phone. For a long time I was just a little puppy and blamed myself. I’ve regained my testicular fortitude and now stand up to her. No papers have been filed. Today I find myself:
• Living in a different state
• A good, though not great job
• A new set of friends
• Some understanding of my role, though I don’t think it was 50/50
• Acceptance of the fact that we will never see eye to eye on the causes

I’m dreading pushing things forward. I think I’ve rebuilt my self-esteem, but I hesitate to do anything official. It is my conflict avoidance kicking in. I feel a lot of resentment and I feel like I’ve been left to clear this mess up. I’m not blaming her, but I do feel PO’d at her for things. For example, I’ve asked her to send some of my clothes etc for 4 months. In the intervening time I’ve sent her things several times. I gave up, stopped asking her and bought new stuff. Friday she calls, tells me she sent the stuff and would I send some things to her? She has a photography class this Wed. and wants her camera. I took me 2 days to ship it and I feel bad for the delay. I also sent it ground rather than air due to the extra $70 air freight fee. I expect she will be angry with the extra time it took.

I’ve also started dating. Quite a bit actually. I’ve been on dates with 10-12 women. Mostly fairly casual and just fun. Lately I’ve been seeing one woman in particular. She mostly knows my situation, and is just a great person. I think I’d like this to go somewhere, but even if it doesn’t, it is so refreshing to be with someone who genuinely likes to spend time with me. It has remained mostly non-physical, but there is a reasonable likelihood of that changing soon. I’m not pressuring her on this issue; much. The physical aspect, while it would be nice, stresses me out a bit. Based on how we talk, I know she is looking for a lifelong partner. I second guess myself. I think she is great, but I question my own motivation? Am I just doing this out of the fear of being alone? I don’t think so. But I don’t really know her well enough to be having thoughts of something long term. Or maybe for the first time in my life I actually DO know what I want. These things make my head spin, and I again resent stbxw for making me feel this way.

Life is good. Should I file?

[NotFromThesePart]

Had in interesting call w/ stbxw. We've got a house to sell or let go into foreclosure. The call was out of the blue and it was actually while I was in the car on my way to dinner with new "friend" (still won't call her my GF).

She wants to put the house on the market. Basically that means taking the loss. I want to rent it out for another 6-12 months. She has essentially no assets so foreclosure won't impact her much. I own a house from before the marriage and about 80K in 401k.

The discussion goes OK, until I mention a potential scenario whereby I sell my house, borrow from my 401k and refi the other. She gets angry, tells me not to mention things I'll never do. She goes on to say marrying me was the biggest mistake of her life.

She goes on to say that while she doesn't understand the mortgage we have, she agreed to it under the condition that I sell my other house and roll the money into the joint house. I retort that I bought the joint house under the agreement that we'd be married. She said that was never part of the deal!

The discussion of a settlement agreement have started in earnest.

I'm feeling strong, level headed and less emotional than a few months ago. I'm stable in my house and job, had have GALed to the point that most days I have something fun to look forward to. I guess it is time.

I've asked that we set aside an hour a week at a prescribed time to work on the agreement. We both want to avoid lawyers for as long as we can. With the exception of the house there are very few things we don't agree on.

[NotFromThesePart]

I'd just like to add that I'm having my first truly sad day in a couple months.

I think it is good. I reminds me not to be arrogant when I'm feeling good.

[NotFromThesePart]

Well it happened. I was served with papers this morning. stbxw and I had been working so well together on things regarding the D. We had decided to rent out our house, we'd been talking and not arguing. I felt we were making real progress with good cooperation. Then, bad, 6:45am, some guy knows on my door, hands me a stack of papers and more or less runs away.

I have to say I was a little taken aback and hurt. I mean, I know this is real and at some point the D will be final. I've come to terms with that. But I'm still feeling hurt that she wouldn't tell me she was filing. I wouldn't have done that. I guess I continue to learn from her.

Should I be concerned? Should I now start acting as if "game on" and run everything past an attorney? Can I not call her now to discuss things w/o worrying that anything I say/do might be taken as an offer? This [censored].

[NotFromThesePart]

I'm now in the full throws of legal #ell. Hired my attorney today, mandatory disclosure this, automatic restraining order that. . . . .It all seems so. . .dumb.

I'm trying to stay above the fray but it is difficult/impossible to do so. W has somehow managed to distance herself since hiring the attorney. At least in some ways. She won't talk about the details of the D at all, but somehow thinks it is on to ask my advice on buying a bicycle? Odd. I'm trying to be a friend to her as best I can. I don't want all the lines of communication to break down, but it is difficult.

I must say I'm petrified by the prospect of the D. We own a house together that is underwater. Unfortunately I made the mistake of buying it w/ only my name on the loan, but both of us on the title. Her credit wasn't good enough to qualify so I applied on my own, but put the house in both our names. Well now her attorney is trying to scare me into taking on all the debt. I have another house from before the marriage and he is effectively trying to put that in play. Because of her poor credit from before the marriage, she is trying to make me pay for everything. The way she sees it, she had the A and wants the D and I will end up losing my house all my assets and destroying my credit. Fun.


On the bright side, I continue to see someone new. We go on dates one or twice a week. I know I am more into her than she me. She wants to move slow, and while parts of me long for an intense physical/committed relationship again, other parts know that now is not the time. I know I'm not completely fooling myself. We do enjoy each other's company and we occasionally fool around a little. There is potential there, but she keeps things in check. In my mind this makes her a good friend and where ever this goes I feel lucky to have her in my life. I realized recently that this is the only person I've ever really "dated" for any extended period of time, that I didn't have sex with by date 4. I don't know what that means. It could mean she's just "not that into me". Or maybe this is something new. :-)