Snodderly, thank you. This explanation fits my H to a tee.
Even after almost 2 years of being gone, he is still miserable and I am to blame. I don't understand why as he got what he wanted with ow.
You would think since this life is so much better than the one we had together, he would willingly give up what the state says is my share. No, it just keeps refreshing his anger and he continues to blame me for choices he made.
It does not bother me as it once did. I am curious why he has not pushed the D along as he filed in Dec. '10. I have heard nothing since I received the papers in Jan. '11.
Mind reading here, but I think it may have to do with just not wanting to have to pay the amount that the state says he will have to.
I will do nothing to move his D along. That rests squarely on his shoulders. I do expect to hear something at some point, but it does not keep me from moving forward.
SA, He will not file unless he is pushed to do so. Some of them feel that "holding" the divorce in check, keeps a direct line to you. Also, after seeing many of them go through this, it could very well be the old saying "I don't want her, but I don't want anyone else to have her either".
It's difficult to know what they are thinking because they don't even know themselves. I wouldn't worry too much, but live your life to the fullest.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Mind reading here, but I think it may have to do with just not wanting to have to pay the amount that the state says he will have to.
Could be part of it or it could be as snodderly says, he is keeping that connection alive with you.
Who knows????
Originally Posted By: seeking answers
I will do nothing to move his D along. That rests squarely on his shoulders. I do expect to hear something at some point, but it does not keep me from moving forward.
I have a question for you......this is more of a challenge or food for thought.......(not a 2X4 )
Is it possible that in your journey of moving forward that doing nothing about "his D" is hampering YOUR progress forward???
I am not suggesting that you take any action here.....only an introspective hard look at where you are at as it relates to your M. You have stopped looking at your H and have detached from his words and actions......
have you detached from the idea of the marriage to your H.
What does remaining married to him represent or do for you?
As I am typing these questions to you SA I do realize how it sounds and I also do realize and hope you do too that I am now divorced myself and so YOU, I and ANYONE else reading this need to consider where these words are coming from. (I think 25 pointed it out on another thread, very wise)
My point here is that we work so hard to detach from our spouse's behavior and words because they cause us pain....it is something we do for ourselves NOT a ploy or trick to get a reaction out of them.
When is it time to detach from the "marriage" or the idea of the "marriage"......could that be causing you pain or keeping you from moving forward?
For me I needed to formally end what was a "shell" of what it used to be. I think I could have also easily just declared that I was mentally, emotionally, and for all other intensive purposes......DONE with my marriage.
Where does maintaining your marriage fit into your journey?
Are you to the point that you don't care anymore so that if he does push through and it is finalized you will be fine???
I hear you on this....VVVVVVVV
Originally Posted By: seeking answers
I will do nothing to move his D along. That rests squarely on his shoulders.
I too felt that way, I wanted to be able to say that I stood for my marriage......I envisioned being at some family gathering with my grown kids one day and if my marriage were to come up I wanted to be blameless, I wanted to be able to show my "badge of honor", I wanted everyone to say, "he did everything he could, it was all her, she effed it up.....MHL was one heck of a husband, father, friend and a man....."
Well guess what........
I found that instead of wanting to ensure that some future recollection of my "stand" for my marriage would "spin" me as the "golden child" of my marriage.......I wanted to be that person TODAY (the golden child that is .
My inability to make a decision on my marriage that was over was actually keeping me from moving forward.
I hope you continue to make those steps in your journey SA, never stop.....no matter what those steps may be.
Cheers
~C
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
I can assure you my stand is not for a badge of honor. In fact, in RL, people feel that I'm the one that is nuts. What they think of me is none of my business. Quite frankly, I don't give a darn.
I do give people credit for knowing that a M takes two to make it, and two to break it. I own my part.
At this point, being married to H does nothing for me, and more importantly, nothing against me. I'm in a good place. I'm captain of my own ship, and realized long ago that I'm in charge of my happiness.
I was married to this man for 27 years before the bomb and by all accounts, including his, it was a good M.
Life threw us a curve ball, wasn't expecting it and admittedly it threw me for a loop, for a while.
It is not my indecision about my M that is holding this up, it is H's. It was his choice to walk out the door, I wasn't consulted. I never believed that what was wrong in the M should have led to this, still don't. I don't control what H does, didn't try during the M and have no wish to start now. I made my decision a while ago to stand, and at this point, that is what I'll continue to do.
It costs me nothing to remain detached to see how this plays out, but a little money. If/when H forges forward with the D, I'm legally protected and will recoup.
I'm not actively looking to date or start a R with someone else at this point, so that is not a concern. My H was a very good man in many ways. If given a chance to start a new R with him, I believe I would consider it. If that chance does not come along, I'm OK with that too.
When this first happened, (MLC, Bomb) is why I started looking around for an explanation. H's behavior was so out of character from the man I married that I knew something had to have happened to him. MLC explained those things. I've accepted that I can do nothing for him, but the man that he was is worth it to ME to see if he eventually emerges.
Waiting for that possible time does not keep me from moving forward. My life is open to all possibilities. I have achieved loving him from afar, and it is very freeing.
If my circumstances change, I'll deal with that when the time comes.
It costs me nothing to remain detached to see how this plays out, but a little money. If/when H forges forward with the D, I'm legally protected and will recoup.
I'm not actively looking to date or start a R with someone else at this point, so that is not a concern. My H was a very good man in many ways. If given a chance to start a new R with him, I believe I would consider it. If that chance does not come along, I'm OK with that too.
When this first happened, (MLC, Bomb) is why I started looking around for an explanation. H's behavior was so out of character from the man I married that I knew something had to have happened to him. MLC explained those things. I've accepted that I can do nothing for him, but the man that he was is worth it to ME to see if he eventually emerges.
Waiting for that possible time does not keep me from moving forward. My life is open to all possibilities. I have achieved loving him from afar, and it is very freeing.
If my circumstances change, I'll deal with that when the time comes.
SA, I could have written this. It is exactly where I am right now as well (although my H has yet to mention D). I just wanted to let you know that you have company where you are.
And you do sound great!
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
As an aside. Twink you have always held a little special place in my heart, just because you had the same name as one of my...best friends from my video game addiction days.
Not all of it was ba, just what I let it do to me. I see you name and it reminds me to see the silver linings. : )
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Aw shucks, Jack. And back at you. You and snodderly were the first to post to me when I reached out here from what was a very bad place, in spite of how I sounded. It has always been my MO to present myself as I hope to be in tough situations, as a way of pushing myself there, and I suspect you both saw that.
I must be nearly there now, as I recently managed one daughter's professional graduation and the other's wedding with grace enough to receive many positive comments about everyone's behavior at both events. It is worth all of the work to have no regrets!
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
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