What do I do now?

[lostmiss97]

I had this posted on Newcomers because I didn't know this board was here. I'm linking the post and hoping for some feedback... I'm so glad to see that I'm not the only one still in love after a D and trying to DB.

Original Post

Thanks for reading!

[zengypsy]

lm97:

I just found your post here.

I'm sorry that you still are in pain. One of the good things is that your old M was dead and gone for a long time. Doesn't matter who filed. It's a blessing in disguise on some stange level. Having said that, YOU are the only one who can dictate when you are truly done. D or no D. What you want now is a new M hopefully with your XH. You didn't come this far in your journey for nothing. I plan to still DB after my D is final in 3 weeks. My STXH knows very clearly where I stand on this. I have told him that the door is open. In the meantime, I am busy GAL'g to the best of my ability and trying to live my life without him. I continue to represent and present myself better each and every day. I want him to see that I AM the greener grass. That my actions will now support my words.

Keep posting as I will try to follow your sitch.

Peace - ZEN

[Augtan]

lostmiss,

I read thru your old thread, you might want to check out some things on the Mid-life crisis board as well.

I understand how you feel and what you are going through, I can only speak from my experience, but when he pulls away it usually means he is involved with an OW, either the old one or a new one. That is what my XH does, and you sorta got evidence of that when you looked at his facebook page. I think it is out of guilt, they pull away because they feel bad for getting close to us and not wanting to come home to us, basiclly for using us! Mine has done it several times, mainly during the back and forth with OW#2. I have allowed it though in hopes that he will feel better when he is with me than with her and realize he wants to be with us. Mine is a very complicated situation for many reasons. OW#2 is gone for good now, but there will be someone else, as we live 700 miles apart and he refuses to "date" me unless we are in the same city.

I would just continue to only respond when he contacts you first. I doubt his breakfast invitation was only to kill time, if I don't want to be around someone, I can find another way to kill time than to go to breakfast with them.

Hang in there! I know it is hard to come on here and tell what is going on and not to get a response, it has happened to me several times too, I will respond and help you as much as I can, but it is all just my opinion, so take it or leave it. I will pray for you, it is sooo hard on the kids, I hate it for mine so very much!

A

[lostmiss97]

Thank you so much for replying.

I've been so sad lately. I thought that time would make it easier, but it's harder in some ways. He never really contacts me on a regular basis. We mostly only see each other when it's something to do with the kids. Today we have a meeting with the principal about our D. She may not make it to the 7th grade because she hasn't been turning in her homework. She has an "I don't care" attitude about everything it seems. When I talk to her about it she says that it doesn't matter if she cares, it's not going to change anything. It seems to me that her attitude is a product of the emotional toll the divorce has taken on her. I feel so bad for her.

What I'm not sure of is how to approach the DB when we have minimal contact. When we were hanging out this winter, we laughed and flirted... he acted like his old self. I could tell he was enjoying himself, but then he'd pull back like a snake bit him when he started to realize he liked it too much. I know it's a pattern with the WAS, but it's hard to read sometimes.

I want to shout my feelings out to him, you know? I want to make him understand what I feel, but I know that's counterproductive to what I want to accomplish. I just don't know what to do with this whole thing. Everyone in my life keeps telling me to move on. My mom's trying to get me to sign up for dating sites, but I'm just not ready. I definitely want to have someone special in my life... problem is, the someone special isn't feeling the same way. UGH!!!!

[lostmiss97]

So today he met me at the school for the meeting with the principle. He originally said he would need a ride, so I offered one to him. That's probably the wrong thing to do, but I was trying to be nice. He refused and said he'd figure out a way. I pretty much knew he'd say no, but it still hurt when he did. I don't know why I put so much into something as simple as a ride. Especially when it really isn't a convenient thing to do. He lives 45 minutes away, for crying out loud!

Ok, so back to the meeting. He normally says hi and talks to me a little when we're in the same space. He barely said anything to me. We were there at the end of the day so he waited for our S to get out of class so he could say hi to him and completely ignored me. So, I went and waited at the other end of the hallway and just acted like he wasn't there. When the kids came I waited for them to say their good byes and then walked out with them to the car. We were getting ready to leave when he opened the door to tell me goodbye. I just smiled and said see ya in the happiest, non fake sounding tone I could muster.

I'm sure I put too much thought into all of it and try too hard to find something there... I'm trying hard to start the DB'ing over again with detaching and going as dark as possible. I don't know if it'll make a difference, but when I was doing it before I sure did feel a whole lot better.

Any opinions?

[lostmiss97]

I was doing so well... then I see a comment from his OW and it said something about when she gets here... that means she's coming here from freaking England... that realization kills me. He left me for someone he met online in a chat room and she lives in another country. What is wrong with me that he'd rather be with someone he can only see through a web cam? I try so hard to not let it affect me, but it's like a knife going through me every time.

[lostmiss97]

Sorry, let me elaborate. We have a mutual friend that is friends with the OW and me on fb... she comments on everything he posts all of the time... what she said was on this friend's post.

Ugh, fb is not fun.

[lostmiss97]

Last night the kids had a program at their school and, of course, H was there. It always strikes me as odd how he'll choose the seat next to me and sit as close to me as possible. If you're into reading body language his would not say he doesn't like me... he leans towards me and mimics my posture. Like, if I lean forward gradually he leans forward too. He talked to me throughout the program with comments about what was going on. He brought the kids home because they asked him to and stood around awkwardly for a while before leaving.

It's always interesting to me how he acts when we're together. It's like he wants to do/say something more but either doesn't know how or doesn't think he should.