So tonight, H and I had a brief skype chat. He asked about my day and commented briefly on things I told him.Not much conversation at all.
H said that he had been thinking about apologising to my parents but wasn't sure how to do it. He's worried that he'll make a bigger mess than the one already. I told him to worry about today only and that I could support him but he had to initiate. I said it was all up to him and I would never tell him what to do. He said he knew he had my support. He said he wanted to think about the best way to approach them.
Again I am shocked at how low his opinion is of himself
It appears that your H is facing his wrongs and is very much remorseful for his actions. I guess it makes sense that he has a low opinion of himself, it seems this is happening "suddenly" for him so his self esteem must have him really low right now "waking" and "realizing" to all of the destruction, pain and hurts he has caused to his wonderful family.
This is all so positive for you, daughter and son and families.
I would have to say he has been really thinking hard and wants to right all his wrongs.
At this early stage for him to think of your parents is remarkable to me. I am no expert, this has to be the most difficult for him to face. I am glad he has told you what he thinking to do and am further pleased he validated your concern and wants to think about an approach to them.
Cas, BIG BIG hugs to you today!!!
You can help H make this reconnection at this time to all of you. I think if you continue to show support and nurture him with reassuring words and gestures that he cannot deny he will trust it to be real. He will slowly continue to emerge and make the right choices, he will realize everyone forgives him. Make him warm and wanted, stomp out his fears!!
It will be most beneficial to H if your parents can verbally forgive H for what he has done. They then must be kind to him and treat him well. They need to realize that this was very hard for him and it took a lot for him to face them.
(((((Cas))))) I am praying every hour that this is your turn and H is on his way home.
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Thanks Sanderika. I am so glad to hear your feedback. This forward movement was so unexpected and I am trying hard to follow his advice and be patient and know that in time all will be revealed. I'm not really sure what's on his mind since the conversations have been so general. He has told me a few months ago that he wanted to apologise to my parents but he felt that it was hypocritical given that he was still with ow.He is very clear that apologising is going to be very hard for him and he hasn't said that it's something he will do in the immediate future but still something on his radar.
I am trying to aid the reconnection by being affirming and trying to help him see the other side of his personal put downs. He listens to what I say but maintains the legitimacy of his feelings and interpretation.
My parents are forgiving people and I think that initially they will be cool and awkward around him but will warm with time. They'll never be rude to him or refuse to accept his apology.Facing them will be HUGE. I think this very thought will have kept H from letting himself get too close.
H is keeping a distance. He's just been to collect D but he didn't come in. I am trying to respect his need to move forward slowly. I must admit that I am still feeling cynical. Can this finally be a real forward movement? Am I a time filler between ow and the next? Does this help a smooth financial settlement for H? He told me he had a busy day tomorrow and didn't elaborate. Immediately I jumped to a conclusion....ow is still around. I didn't say anything about that for 24 hours.
So, later, rightly or wrongly I asked H what Happened to ow. I did preface it by asking if I could ask him a question and that if he felt uncomfortable giving a response that was ok, too. (If he said it was none of my business I was well ready to say fair enough but I would be running far, far away) I thought he could say A. None of your business or B. we split or C. we're still together. However, he gave none of those responses. He said he understood why I wanted to know and he would explain it to me next time he sees me. Hmm, am I going to get told they're still together? Then, the photo is gone and she's gone and H is making definite fwd movement. I must be patient, I must be patient......
So I just spoke to Mum. WE were talking about our family going away to stay with my brother for Christmas. He lives in another country. I explained that I'd love to go but there may be complications with S and his work and D with swimming and of course, I have to consider H who will be here without his kids. My mother's response surprised me. She said that perhaps he would come to by that stage of the year. On apologising to her and Dad she said he should just get it over with instead of trying to live with the thought hanging over his head. This is good because it will help me when I speak to H, knowing that I am correct in telling H that they will accept his apology.
I know H will find apologising difficult but I think he is making it too complicated in wondering what he will say and how when really just, I'm sorry will suffice.
My Mum said, it's not what H has done in the past but what he does from now on....my exact words that I have told H again and again. Good lady, my Mum.
need that edit..... She said that perhaps H would come with us to my brother's too, by that stage of the year. (ie Christmas). And while I'm trying not to have any expectations past today, my Mum is planting thoughts of Christmas. I couldn't say, Mum that's not good divorce busting!
Cannot stress enough the need for patience. Even if you lose patience and apply a little pressure and he comes 'back' - from what I have seen it works better if he does it in his own time.
I think your Mum is a very wise lady indeed. I wonder if she has a premonition. Hmmm
They sound like wonderful people and will do the right thing for YOU and H once this reaches the point that he can make his apology and humble himself fully. They love you and will want for you.... what you want for you.
Cas, I think H will be able to make this apology. I think for him to mention it now twice to you and has not changed his mind is a grand step forward. Think about it....he is able to talk with you about this with getting defensive, WOW!!
Please keep the Christmas ideas to yourself. It is way to soon to even plant that seed. It might be too much pressure on H's fragile state right now. All in good time. Remember timing?? Timing goes hand in hand with patience. Patience is what you have got to use every minute now. You backslide and he will for sure.
Another thing is not to show any disgust or put-off attitudes with him present or near for that matter. He is watching even closer right now, imo. Maintain your cool and calm. If you need to vent go and do it all alone somewhere and let it rip OR come here and shout away. You will want to before this is settled.
Cas, you know how to do this. I am sure you son;t need me to keep preaching the rules. I want this for you so bad.
About the OW.....I think she's gone. Now that you have asked, H will tell you what happened, he suggested next time he sees you, OMG he isn't dodging this......HUGE!!! It could be that he did not expect that question and at least he didn't get angry or defensive.
Anger and defense would have told you proof positive that she is still around.
H is making positive forward movement....YES he is.
He may backslide without warning. From what I have learned this will be normal behavior as he emerges and not something to really get all too worried about.
This is what you have worked to get back. This is what it looks like when they begin the journey back to themselves and home.
(((((Cas)))))
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
I think your Mum is a very wise lady indeed. I wonder if she has a premonition. Hmmm They sound like wonderful people and will do the right thing for YOU and H once this reaches the point that he can make his apology and humble himself fully. They love you and will want for you.... what you want for you.
Exactly!
Originally Posted By: Sanderika
Cas, I think H will be able to make this apology. I think for him to mention it now twice to you and has not changed his mind is a grand step forward. Think about it....he is able to talk with you about this with getting defensive, WOW!!
All his conversations of late have revealed the softer side and his ability to listen, consider and respond. This is the side I him that I have really missed.
Originally Posted By: Sanderika
Please keep the Christmas ideas to yourself. It is way to soon to even plant that seed. It might be too much pressure on H's fragile state right now. All in good time. Remember timing??
I have no intention of mentioning this at all, Sanderika. I commented on it in relation to my mum who not too long ago wanted nothing to do with him at all but now has softened and opened her heart to him.
Originally Posted By: Sanderika
Timing goes hand in hand with patience. Patience is what you have got to use every minute now. You backslide and he will for sure. Cas, you know how to do this. I am sure you son;t need me to keep preaching the rules. I want this for you so bad.
H has told me to be patient. I might know the rules Sanderika but I will need constant reminders
Originally Posted By: Sanderika
About the OW.....I think she's gone. Now that you have asked, H will tell you what happened, he suggested next time he sees you, OMG he isn't dodging this......HUGE!!! It could be that he did not expect that question and at least he didn't get angry or defensive. Anger and defense would have told you proof positive that she is still around.
I think she is gone too but my cynical and untrusting side needs to know. Good suggestion that perhaps he didn't expect this.
Several texts tonight from H about D and her swimming.
Thanks again Sanderika and thanks for watching out for my posts. Know how much I value your opinions. I hope and pray that you are travelling along ok.
Thanks for the reminder Beatrice. I am happy for slow although I am generally impatient and think I will be ok about it when I know for sure what the state of play is with ow.
