It's time to start a new thread because I've reached the magic number and because my XH's life has been shaken by his mother's passing yesterday morning.
I've been pinballing like crazy since X-MIL passed away. I am grieving her passing and also what I fear could be the end of my DB'ing. I know intellectually that fearing the latter is stupid because I can't predict the future, but I am struggling with this right now.
I've had a couple email exchanges with XH in the last 24 hours.
Last night before XH went to bed (he was exhausted --- only 3 hours sleep the night his mother passed away) he wrote me: "Thanks so much for all that you have done for mom and myself; everyone really appreciates it. (even if he doesn't acknowledge it as often as he should). I think we should go for TT on Wednesday and make X-SIL watch all two hours of it. Then we can all go out afterwards? " ......Interesting.....
I was feeling frustrated with XH today even though he finally thanked me for taking care of his mother (not proud of this which makes me even MORE frustrated.....good God! my X-MIL just passed and I am thinking about my R with XH. That feels SO inappropriate. Ugh!!!! I'm sick of myself.) All of this introspection led to an insight this morning that XH has trouble thanking people because if he DID thank people for their kindnesses he might have to lower the big wall he has around himself. I realized this morning that XH really didn't thank me much during our pre-bomb R. He was too busy caretaking and I guess showing love or controlling the situation, depending on your perspective, to actually voice thanks. I wrote him the following email:
"Thank you for your e-mail yesterday evening............. I have been thinking about many things lately (these situations make one re-evaluate one’s life) and realized that as long as I have known you, you have been a very generous caregiver,.......... but it has taken me some time to realize that it seems difficult for you to receive and acknowledge gifts of time and service from others. My hope for you is that you can allow yourself to accept the loving support of others during this difficult time and in the future. Your expression of gratitude to me at this time means more than you know. I thank you for that. I am grieving her loss too." Then I wrote about a convo I'd had with his mother a few days before her passing in which we talked about what she would like to give him for his birthday next month and I offered to buy it for her. I wrote: "She couldn’t think of anything. Then I suggested that she could write you something the way that she wrote you a letter two years ago telling you how proud she was of you……….She was always game to do anything that might make your day happier, like posing for a photo or writing a card for you………..This time she looked at me weakly and just said “I just can’t do it. I feel too weak.” I knew then just how weak she really felt." I finished by reassuring him that I don't think she suffered much because she was well-medicated. I wrote: "She should have felt very little pain. She was surrounded by love in her final hours. What more could anyone ask?" I confirmed TT for Wednesday.
Just received an e-mail from Mr. GAG a few minutes ago. Interesting. He told me that his sister arrived today, they arranged the funeral, and then told me their entire itinerary for the evening (it was clear that they didn't spend the evening with GF#2), so that was interesting. He then wrote: "Anyway, thanks for everything. X-SIL mentioned that you had offered to make a memory board. I told X-SIL at lunch that we should do that and she looked at me like I had two heads! ........ I think it finally sunk in and told her we would find some pictures and do that along with many of the large/full size portraits. What were you thinking?".......so it's interesting that XH responded to my email at the end of a very busy and sad day......thanked me again.........and then accepted my offer to do a photo memorial for his mother for the funeral. This was quite surprising and reassuring as well.
Please remember this is your loss too......you do say it, please listen to yourself.
Originally Posted By: goodattitudegirl
I've been pinballing like crazy since X-MIL passed away.
I am grieving her passing and also what I fear could be the end of my DB'ing. I know intellectually that fearing the latter is stupid because I can't predict the future, but I am struggling with this right now.
my X-MIL just passed and I am thinking about my R with XH. That feels SO inappropriate. Ugh!!!! I'm sick of myself.) All of this introspection led to an insight this morning........
No 2x4's......just a gentle hug to be given today along with a reminder that any "insight" you might think you have is seriously affected by the emotions you are feeling right now.
While I like what you wrote to your XH, now is not the time to dance around observations and analyzations of who he is, how he was, and anything else like that.
Just your "presence" and help will be more than enough for right now.
You are "Spinning" as we like to say sometimes when we are describing our wayward MLC spouses and X-spouses.
You get a "hall pass" on the spinning thing......
however you will not get a hall pass on acting like an MLCer during this time.....I will be as gentle as I can be while being firm with you.......
You are one smart lady........you know better.......try to remove yourself from everything right now and just focus on the situation at hand......
1) You are grieving 2) Your XH is grieving 3) Be "Present" in your support of your XH and his family for now.
Come here, journal, vent, whatever but stop trying to figure out the long range implications of your X-MIL passing.
You will make yourself "Crazy".
Remember the constant in everyone's sitch????????
TIME
There will be time for you to think about things later......
avoid making decisions now........
Especially this one VVVVVVVVV
Originally Posted By: goodattitudegirl
what I fear could be the end of my DB'ing.
I will tell you that standing out here looking in at your situation..........
Things look pretty good as far as your R goes with your XH.
That is all your gonna get from me right now as it would be "inappropriate" for me or you to ponder anything else right now.
Remember you can't see the forest because of the trees right now........
If you move around too much you might get lost.
Again, so very sorry for your loss.
Take care, and may God Bless You.
~C
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Hello GAG, I just read you sitch and experienced a very similar thing. My W however has an Om in the picture, that nobody in the family approves of so I was welcomed to all the functions.
i know what you mean about grieving the loss but feeling guilty about still thinking of the DBing, especially with all the familiar faces around.
hang in there., be there for H but gage how much he wants you around.
9
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
Just take a step back from thinking anything about your R atm. Both of you are blown away by MIL loss and only to be expected, also MIL was a link to H which you feel the loss off too (dont beat yourself up for feeling this its normal)
You have every right to attend the funeral but as you have been asked to contribute the memory board I'd take it as read you are expected to go. Hold your head up high hun you can do this and truly I can tell you can because I had too as well and survived. A dear freind of ours died during our S and it took every fibre in my body to attend knowing H would be there and all our family and friends who knew we had S'd. Look absolutely amazing and believe me no-one will even notice GF2 and if they do they will wonder why H doesnt have the brains to see what he is missing out in not being with you.
One biggy STOP MIND READING NOW! Absolutely everything is in a state of UNREAL, just be your best and that will be enough. Super-nurse mode is probably just the ticket, I know exactly what you mean I never have nursed but seem to be able to do it on autopilot, probably a bit of Super-mum but it makes everyone feel secure, yes you will find it hard to compose yourself but try and help H & SIL make it a celebration of MIL's life rather than a huge bereavement. When my MIL passed she ordered everyone to turn up in sunday best clothes and just enjoy remembering her, she left us a list of her favourite songs to sing in church, it became a happy funeral if you can call it that!
Put all thoughts of R & H aside, lay down those expectations and deal with what ever comes your way, always in my thoughts, hopes and prayers hun
xx Rabbit
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
I just wanted to comment on how you seemed to feel angry at yourself for wondering "at a time like this" about how this will affect the DBing process or the current rel. with your XH, and I wanted to say, how could you NOT be wondering? Everything that happens external to the two of you may affect things. Your wondering is natural and expected and your heart is in the right place. Do not doubt that for a second.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
I think what you must keep sight of is that whatever you do with Mr. GAG as far as DB'ing you must have NO EXPECTATIONS.
That is part of DB'ing. I think you have been nicely paving the way with him, but he is still in crisis. And this event is an unknown with him, the MLC'er must sink to rock bottom before they start back up again. It is never smoooth and easy no matter what we all do.
Grieve her loss and help Mr. GAG through this time also. Later down the road you can see what it all means. Not now, it is too soon, too raw.
Everything you are feeling is OK, you will be fine and I am sure you will keep DB'ing because once we learn these skills we never let them go.
GAG - this is a though time for mr GAG, but for you too...you are both grieving, so be good to yourself and let the process unfold. Hopefully you can be there for each other for support and that could bring additional closeness...Of course you think about the R with your XH at a time like this...you still love him and this is the time when you want to be there for him. But you need some support too....don't be afraid to ask for it.
(((hugs)))
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
I can't tell everyone how VERY grateful I am for your very kind, thoughtful, and insightful feedback!!!!!! I have been trying to find time to reply and let you all know how VERY much your comments meant to me. It's been a whirlwind of activity. I am helping XH and X-SIL with music and a memory board (a poster with photos of X-MIL) for the funeral on friday along with ordering a flower arrangement from my family and everything else.
You all saved me yesterday. The spinning and pinballing has stopped and I am moving forward today and have the right frame of mind to DB with XH and his sister AND at the funeral. I really can't find the words to express how much you all helped me, but I will try......
MHL, I read your post while in clinic yesterday morning and as I read your words I could feel my entire body relax. Can't tell you how much that meant to me. As always, your post was filled with wisdom. I think you are correct in that I have just had a glimpse into what it feels like to be an MLCer and it isn't pretty. Thanks for that insight. It is helping me to be more loving with XH today.
Originally Posted By: Missherlove
ust a gentle hug to be given today along with a reminder that any "insight" you might think you have is seriously affected by the emotions you are feeling right now.
Originally Posted By: Missherlove
While I like what you wrote to your XH, now is not the time to dance around observations and analyzations of who he is, how he was, and anything else like that.
Originally Posted By: Missherlove
Come here, journal, vent, whatever but stop trying to figure out the long range implications of your X-MIL passing.
Originally Posted By: Missherlove
Remember you can't see the forest because of the trees right now........If you move around too much you might get lost.
Originally Posted By: Missherlove
I will tell you that standing out here looking in at your situation..........Things look pretty good as far as your R goes with your XH.
Thank you for all of these ^^^^^^^^^^^^ and for your friendship!
9lives, it really helped me to read that you have gone through a similar situation and how it turned out for you.
Rabbit, as always I appreciate your wit and wisdom and for telling me it is normal to feel grief/concern over possibly losing a thread with XH.
Originally Posted By: Lost Rabbit
. Look absolutely amazing and believe me no-one will even notice GF2 and if they do they will wonder why H doesnt have the brains to see what he is missing out in not being with you.
I am planning to do this and now that I have had my meltdown I can begin DBing again in a calm and loving way.
Originally Posted By: Lost Rabbit
One biggy STOP MIND READING NOW! Absolutely everything is in a state of UNREAL, just be your best and that will be enough.
Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers.
Pei, thank you for your very kind words. It means a lot to me.
Cas, I hope that you know how very much I appreciate your encouragement and support. We will continue to encourage one another through our situations. Onward!!!!!!!!
Antonia, when I read what you wrote I could feel my body relaxing again. You gave me permission to be human and that was a very loving gift. I thank you for that. You are correct. It seems that everything that happens does influence our situations.
Cadet, thank you for your very wise words.
Originally Posted By: Cadet
I think what you must keep sight of is that whatever you do with Mr. GAG as far as DB'ing you must have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Originally Posted By: Cadet
I think you have been nicely paving the way with him, but he is still in crisis. And this event is an unknown with him, the MLC'er must sink to rock bottom before they start back up again. It is never smoooth and easy no matter what we all do...........ater down the road you can see what it all means..............I am sure you will keep DB'ing because once we learn these skills we never let them go.
I think I need to print these posts and put them in my purse for the funeral.
(((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))
GAG
P.S. There have been a number of email exchanges between XH, X-SIL and me regarding funeral preparations. X-SIL shared with me a convo she and XH have been having about being adult children of alcoholics and how that has affected her life. I will see them both tonight for the weekly TT game and then dinner and planning afterward. I scheduled a session with Jody for 5pm on thursday to prepare mentally for the funeral.
