OnMyWay: to who knows where?

[OnMyWay]

Remember, she is watching for you to slip into old patterns/negative behaviors so she can justify leaving.

I wish I could say that is what she is doing, AJM80, but I just can't read her anymore. I kind of doubt it.

After the other night where she pretty much laid it out that she's done (and I reinforcing it's all on her, as I am not done), and her actions are reinforcing that stance.

I had a discussion with SMIL the next day and told her I believe W is done. She simply told me she loves me and I'm to go ahead and move on with my life, leaving WAW to figure it out on her own. I think that is good advise.

WAW passed a kidney stone over the weekend and was off work today. She texted me to see if I wanted us all to go to see a movie tonight. D wanted us all to have a family night to see the new Pirates movie, but it was becoming challenging to get that to work out. I had given up on it - actually not wanting it to happen. However, it seemed convenient and WAW seemed happy to try, so I agreed for my D.

WAW showed up, commented on us having cleaned the house, and off we went. She offered to pay for her own ticket - I let her. We sat with D in the middle. She came home with us after to help put D in bed. I sat with her for a couple of minutes and she asked about scheduling. Then she tried to make small talk. I had mentioned I have "stuff" going on tomorrow.

"Good stuff or bad stuff?" she asked.

"Just stuff," I replied, very non-chalant.

That must've offended her as she got up and left without saying good bye or anything. WTF? I don't get it, but then again, I really don't care. My "stuff" is uninteresting and none of her business.

I did what I did tonight for my D. We had a great day together.

[AJM80]

Gosh, I feel for you - been there done that with the MIL and it is draining. That's all for tonight - just a wish that you find some fun stuff to do with fun people.

[ironMan]

I'm trying to get caught up here, OMW. But, I can say that not being hurt by what W does or does not do is a great blessing!! Take care your yourself and your D ... you're going to be just fine.

[OnMyWay]

Damn the twists and turns. This wouldn't even make good fiction - not realistic enough,

However, if I handle this right, I may get one last chance for some DBing fun before this all goes to h*ll.

After the MIL talk, I've mentally quit, down right given up. After all, it's what WAW wants, right? Re-detaching was easier this time. I feel good again.

However, she's texting and wondering and worrying.

She texted me last night after I posted above, asking if I was upset with her. I, of course, said "No. What would make you think that?" She blew it off.

Got home tonight and didn't bother with any witty banter - just went straight to my night time routine. Not what she expected, apparently. She asked me if everything was ok. I said, "Sure. I'm a little tired, but everything is good." Off she went. She leaves and I wait for her to go through the outer gate before I turn off the outside light and go to bed. She waited outside the door for a long time. WTH?

Then, she texted me again, asking me what was going on, why am I protecting myself and if she said something. Before I could get off a reply, she called to complain I was withdrawn and that had made her feel unwanted at the movies. I told her I had been nervous about going to the movies, but I had fun and thought we had done well together. She said ok and we ended the call. What had she expected: a medal for making a half-assed effort of sitting in a dark room with hundreds of other people watching a movie as ... what? I dunno?

Then she text me again with "I feel stupid now... I'm sorry. I guess its best I don't try to get involved."

I responded with, "Don't feel stupid. Ur fine" while saying to myself, "WHATEVER, psycho! Operator, stop the ride, I wanna get off!" Actually, I have no desire to get back on this damn roller coaster.

So, my question is, WTH is going on here? I admit I'm at a loss of wanting to participate and don't really care, but this flip-flop thing of "leaving me alone I don't love you-why aren't you paying attention to me" is more than even my twisted mind can manage. Last major conversation, she seemed pretty determined to end it and I'm pretty good with that at this point. Any one have any suggestions?

My thinking is to let her sit and stew on this for a long time. She has every evening here alone with no more school work to distract her. I don't need her. If I handle this right, I can make this all be her problem, while I move on to bigger an better things. Is that mean of me? I dunno. I am just tired of the good fight. She had once commented that I continued to talk to her as her friend, the way we always had. Now, I don't want her to know anything about me, what I'm doing, or who I'm with.

Just when I thought I couldn't go any darker, I've surprised myself yet again.

[FaithnAK]

Umm. I don't know her story, but I'm reading yours.

You both sound like, say it nicely, "Multi-directional".

WTF do you want man? She sounds like she's on the borderline of a breakdown and you have the strength of a squid.

DB fun? One last chance at DB? You have to DB the rest of your life...get that!

I haven't followed up on your sitch, maybe there's more to it, but I see panic in your post. I've been there done it, I see it.

Really, really, ask yourself what YOU want. Don't focus on her actions right now, focus on you for a minute...WHAT do YOU want? Seriously, pick a direction.

[25yearsmlc]

what he said^^.

Her question about your "Stuff" when she asked if it was "good or bad" stuff wasn't prying. She was trying to show concern if something was amiss in your life, and support if there was something good or positive happening.
But you were mildly rude by saying "just stuff". It equals "mind your own business" and indeed that was what you were feeling. So then she left, not surprisingly. That interaction alone would have been off putting and that one was on you.

I don't know the whole situation but there's a lot of anger coming from you, which is not detachment.

Sorry I have not read your whole thread so maybe I'm missing some terrible things she's done. But that's how I saw that day.

[sparks14]

OMW - I just caught up with your sitch. We seem to be in a similar place. I am going to have to agree with the previous two posts, though.

You are going to have to decide what you want. Is this some kind of breaking point or are you ready to refocus?

AJ talked about redeveloping your short and long term goals. My advice would be to take some time, do some soul searching, and try to put these goals back on paper. They may give you some perspective.

As I provide you with this advice, I realize that I am also giving myself the same advice.

Keep it up, man. You got this.

[AJM80]

OMW - from reading all your stuff as you went through it, I think you really are back and forth about what you want from her. When I am feeling angry at my H, I try to think about the other reasons why it is good to stay the DB course, the kids, the money, convenience, improving myself/dealing with his betrayal, avoiding this in future relationships, etc. Sometimes I cannot see myself being happy with him, but deep inside I am pretty sure I can be (or I would never have lasted this long).

These guys have good advice - and I'd add, regardless of what you want in marriage/divorce, you want her to come out of the fog for your D's sake. DBing is good for that.

[OnMyWay]

Faith, 25, sparks, and AJ,

You are all very correct.

I no longer have a clue what I want out of this. I've come to the realization that she may not be worth the effort, not because of some idea of failed marriage vows or our supreme distrust of each other, but precisely the opposite. We've both lost way too much of ourselves in this marriage. She realized it a while ago, but I am now beginning to see exactly her position from my own perspective and completely agree. Neither of us are the real "me" any longer.

I have reflected a lot lately on a precise moment in our relationship where I made the conscious decision to change who I was, moving towards husbandry and begin down the long road to which has led me to this place. At the time, I had not a care in the world. I was much younger, a free man, with a life plan of travel and adventure; a life that I set aside and to be with this woman. Now, 15 years later, a family I never needed (but I do adore my D), houses, cars, taxes, mortgages, jobs, careers, soccer games, play dates, and a whole slew of other non-necessary, irrelevant items used to bind common man to whatever "standards" we judge ourselves by and I'm left reexamining myself and not liking what I am seeing. I feel strongly I've been betrayed. I feel duped. I feel like I've been sold a worthless bill of goods and I am MAD AS HELL!

Not because my WAW cheated on me. Not because she left me. Not because she walked away from a loving beauty we once shared. Sure, all that stuff is horrible and hurts deeply, no denying that. But that's not what's eating me. I'm mad because I let it happen. I gave up a life I wanted for a future I'm never going have. I am mad at myself for walking away from who I was and willingly becoming someone I never wanted to be only to end up with nothing for my effort. It's not my WAW's fault. It's my own. She just opened my eyes to it. Perhaps, in the end, I will thank her for the awakening.

So what do I want? I want to be able to forgive myself. I want to be able to go back to that very moment and make a different decision. However, it's not so easy as reality always has a way of giving you unwelcome wakeup calls and keeping you locked firmly in place. I have a daughter. I have obligations. I'm stuck for a while longer. And I hate it. And I am to solely to blame.

I'm concerned about what I am teaching my D: that being a spineless oaf is ok. To just lay down and accept that which is dumped upon you - so not built into my spirit. But, yet, I am conflicted, as I take issue fighting for something that has robbed me of me. This is not to say I want to file for a D; I still have my word - one of the few traits left of the me I once knew. I'll stand by my commitment to our M - my WAW will have to bear the burden of ending it, as I cannot yet do for her what she wants me to do - do it for her, be the bad guy, and take all the blame for ending it.

So what is left? My answer is to continue to battle myself and fight to regain that which I so handily gave away. To try, everyday, to realize I made mistakes and that I can forgive myself for them. And that I can let go of some ideal which may not exist anywhere except in my own mind. Ultimately, to feel honestly good in my own skin again - not just faking it.

Perhaps I'm just scared of change and holding on to something that no longer exists. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. I'm 45 and cannot imagine "fixing" myself for this M or any other one, as I don't care to ever "go there" again. Marriage or not, I just want to be me, and be ok with that.

[~ kd ~]

If you do nothing else OMW, vent your anger here. IRL, be at peace, or at least "act as if". Fake it till you make it.

You will think and say things (hopefully here) that you may regret or feel bad about, eventually.

I have two beautiful daughters out of the deal. I have NO regrets for that reason alone. I do not regret saying "I do", just for those two amazing, gifts of life.

Be kind to yourself and forgive yourself. And no matter your angst and feelings of anger towards your W and yourself right now, treat ALL with the respect and dignity that each one of us duly deserves, no matter how much we might feel they do not. It's not for them... it's for us. So we ourselves can move forward with dignity.

Put your seatbelt on. Like Islander, the road is about to get more bumpy for a bit.

Be well.