As I mentioned in one of my last posts, "what you resist, persists" and also "when there is nothing to loose.."
I have nothing to loose, because W is done. It can't be any more clear that we get to the end and D.
I will post conversation between W and I here and journal the end of an M and the exit strategy for any who may want to watch, that there might be something to learn.
There can't really be any mistakes in this one, because the goal is mutual, so long as I've accepted it. I'm not happy about it, but I'm not in control. W's goal was not mine, but I cannot control her goal. I might as well accept it and we can work on D being the common goal, but learn along the way.
You need to be the best possible person that you can be in this difficult time. I need to remember that too. That is what we need to master, for ourselves.
Make sure to take the high road in all of you dealings with your W. She will realize one day what she gave up.
BITS
M:34 W:28 SD:9 D:6 (pr) M:3 T:6 Separated 1/16/11 ILYBNILWY 10/25/10 PA discovered 11/12/10, began about 10/1/10
I am not who I was, I am being remade, I am new...
I just want to have my kids 50/50, have this ring off my finger (the D paperwork) and enjoy life. Make some cash, go on some trips (I have never been able to do that with any regularity), and eventually, find someone whom I can make a better life with. Whom will love me and I will love back. But... in the changes that I make in myself, based on what I know, have learned through this process, and feedback from my W.
"OR worse, OR poorer, IN sickness..." The bad WITH the good.
My W believes that love (as she put it) "is an action, not an emotion, and love is not enough."
While I agree that love is hindered by the real world stresses that each of us has in our lives, love IS an emotion and love sets apart those who will do whatever it takes from those who believe in "For better, for richer, and in health".
But, as my W and me are examples, there comes a point when the balance sways too far in a negative direction and the "cost" of saving a marriage, perhaps too much.
I want for me to enjoy my life, make enough money to enjoy some toys and times, with those I love.
I hope that answer the question. If I missed the meaning, please 2x4 me. :-) (Is it specifics? Like "I will be more honest, I will spend more time with my kids, I will be less controlling."?)
W responded to one of my emails:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"(Kid schedule stuff)
I am in that course on Monday, so will hit the bank on Tuesday. I have no idea how long this will take, but please let (landlord) know he can call me if he needs confirmation on this.
I need this to be done legally H. Not because I don't trust you, but because I am ensuring whatever the future holds, whatever path we take, this is accounted for.
I will have it all done this week. I would suspect you will will have the cash by Thursday.
W"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For those who may have missed it, as my W says above "it's not that I don't trust you"... And in a previous email only this morning said, "Trust is a big factor, and that has been gone for a few years..."
I wonder... does she know what she says, sometimes?
And don't get me started on the "...whatever the future holds, whatever path we take..." ????
The path is D... She's said it and I've said it... where's the lack of clarity? OK, ok... I know... action. The future and path will be clear by me doing. Don't say... show...
I know, you will all say that I'm analyzing and this is an alien.
I'm just re-affirming that remains the case.
W may never understand love as I do, and not all need to. I'm not saying my way is right. But I DO need someone who DOES see love that way, the way I do. And I know those people are out there.
Starsky, you had mentioned in my other thread about the safety of the kids.
While it concerns me greatly about the amount of time she leaves the kids alone on weekends, even over nights 'til... ? I don't know. Until she gets home the next morning...? I do trust that they will be physically OK. I am right here and always available if something were to go wrong. Both know how to get in touch with me if there was a real, safety problem.
But emotionally...??? They will both be scarred from this. How severely, I don't know at this time. I will simply have to be the best dad I can. While they may not know she's an alien, they are certain to notice some changes in her. I only hope they see them as changes and not as examples of how to be.
Don't get me wrong, in most or at least much of the time they are with W, I am sure that they have a "normal" life. It is the "other" times that I hope they get through as unscathed as possible. And that's why I want 50/50, aside from the "pro's" indicating that is the best situation for the kids.
Islander. Thanks, man. I'm keeping up with your situation the best I can. No matter what, for any of us, we need to be the best we can and as you say, rise above the challenge.
More later.
I do find it interesting how there are certain questions that my W continues to not answer. Especially around the trust and honesty. As the alien shows up, she has trust issues, but she trusts me. She feels I've been dishonest, yet she believes my honesty. Obviously, W cannot answer questions that she remains confused on. As shows in the interesting outlook on love and our future.
No further email from W. That was expected. She turns it on and off light a light switch. One moment she's in the conversation, the next she's vacant and off doing something else.
Niece's birthday party was this evening. I had extended invitation to W. Well, W actually did go.
I enter the room, W looks at the entrance, eyeballs me and gives me a school girl wave and smile... I smile back and wave... ??? This is the woman who is going to give me 30% of assumed net value of my portion of our house, this coming week.
W and I have some pleasant conversation about nothing in particular. W asks if I have card, I say no... they just get in the way of the gift. D8 had made a card, so we put cash in card. W says "too much"... ??? WTH? My niece, I can give what I want... oh well, then she says she's going to add her own cash to the gift...??? WTH? I tell her I put in the amount she said I should and now she's adding more? Then she's trying to split the money between her and I and I simply say, it's cash... she won't know which bills came from who... seriously...? Anyhow, it was weird, but not confrontational.
W is about to leave to go to social, says her goodbyes... gives my mother a big hug...??? WTH? really...? oiy...
D13 gives me a good hug as they're leaving. Nice...
I get to hang at the party with D8 for another couple hours and take D8 back to the house.
Tomorrow... have kids for scheduled visit and overnight. Maybe D13 might stay this time. Maybe not. D8 will be here 'till Tuesday morning. Have to get them to another birthday party tomorrow afternoon.
Just realized that W is converting her RRSPs to pay portion of home. I'll have to remember that during asset separation.
Starsky, you had mentioned in my other thread about the safety of the kids.
While it concerns me greatly about the amount of time she leaves the kids alone on weekends, even over nights 'til... ? I don't know. Until she gets home the next morning...? I do trust that they will be physically OK. I am right here and always available if something were to go wrong. Both know how to get in touch with me if there was a real, safety problem.
But emotionally...??? They will both be scarred from this. How severely, I don't know at this time. I will simply have to be the best dad I can.
So start.
Enforce this boundary. "Wife, if the kids are going to be alone with no adult in the house past 'X'pm (I'd suggest 11pm), I expect for you to either arrange for an adult babysitter or let me know so that I can come and sit with them until you're home. If you feel the need to stay out until 3am -- or later -- than it would probably be best for all concerned for that to be a night where they stay with me."
You've said yourself there's no 'mistakes' to make here, and nothing to 'try' anymore . . . why are you so reluctant to enforce what you KNOW to be the right thing for your kids, Kaffe?
She has my kids. I do not have the financial ability to fight her. I am waiting, hoping she will come to her senses. I do not know where to begin, but I do not want to go to the "authorities" to solve this.
I am afraid that if I complain, if I say my peace and piss her off, she will withhold the kids from me. She has done it before. She hides it under "the kids have plans".
She has my kids. I do not have the financial ability to fight her. I am waiting, hoping she will come to her senses. I do not know where to begin, but I do not want to go to the "authorities" to solve this.
I am afraid that if I complain, if I say my peace and piss her off, she will withhold the kids from me. She has done it before. She hides it under "the kids have plans".
I don't know what to do.
Kaffe,
She can't keep you from talking to, and seeing, your own kids. You have legal rights here. If you're not fully aware of what they are, I suggest you see a good family law atty right away -- preferably one who specializes in "men's rights" and paternal custody issues.
"I do not have the financial ability to fight her."
This is why you are scared.
To a point being "poor" has not much to do with it.
If she wants to "drag" the kids away from you.. she really wants you to spend more time with them.
You overcome the "drag the kids away" with being available. Do NOT overdo it. Let her set the tone of things. Don't tell her that you will always be there for the kids. Let your actions support that thought.
Ask her what her plans for the kids are.
Listen.. and report back.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
