WAW in Los Angeles

[greenblue90]

Have dinner, then act like you dont remember at all. If she mentions it, just blow it off, if she gets upset, remind her it's the new reality you both are in.

[aeolianchaos]

Hey LA,

This is going to frustrate you, but I don't think there is a good or bad.

It's whatever you make it to be. So you can make it a positive experience - it's up to you. Even if you feel like you're being treated disingenuously, it doesn't mean you need to react to that.

Of course, the challenge is our dispositions may lend ourselves to be more likely to make it one thing than another. But there is no absolute right or wrong answer to any of it.

[wawinla]

Appreciate the feedback.

I'm going to do my best to remain calm, confident, and with a certain degree of detachment. This evening isn't about defending or debating the relationship, it's about spending time together.

My WAW's history is to dropped everyone/everything that disappoints her. I will not get into her "checklist" view of life.

To echo some of the sentiments shared on Val's posts, I'm not going to bring additional significance and expectations to the evening. It'll be a challenge, since it's difficult for me not to get emotional. However, I'll meditate before hand...be at peace.

[wawinla]

Journal:

Not suprisingly, my WAW can cancelled dinner, but did make sure I received the papers for moving forward with selling the house. She said she wasn't feeling well, but I think she just couldn't go through with dinner.

As 25MLC has aptly described, she's on a journey without me and I need to continue mine without her. Am I over her? No, but it is what is.

I haven't dropped the rope, but I need to protect myself. If she insists on resolving our marriage settlement agreement, then I need to be firm on my position and not concern myself with what she may or may not think.

No fun, but it is my reality.

[greenblue90]

Still in avoidance mode huh

You know now more than ever she needs to think YOU are doing GREAT! To me this is another chink in the WAW armor.

If she can't even face you for dinner her guilt must be astronomically high. If she canceled on me I would have said this:

"hey thanks for letting me know ahead of time I actually have some friends that wanted to hang out that night, I think I'll give them a call"

KA-POW!

[Valeska19]

Oh (((WAW)))

I'm so sorry you are hurting and I'm sorry to hear your w cancelled dinner. I know that even though we try our d@mndest.. hope does get in the way.

I know how frustrating it is to have w see things completely differently then you. I know how frustrating it is that w doesn't see your changes..

..BUT if you believe that your changes are for YOU and for YOU ALONE, eventually it doesn't matter if she sees them. Eventually you become so happy with your progress and new self that you wouldn't change back to your old ways.. even if it meant getting your wife back.

KWIM?

Do your best to control your anger and frustration around her.. You can't make her see the good changes, but you can hurt the possibility by showing those negative emotions.

Keep working on you and let your w... continue to walk through her fog.

(((( ))))

[In_Shock]

good advice val. very good advice

[wawinla]

GB:

From my perspective, she's fully immerse in her fog, but every now and then a shred of something about the M pops up, which I believe explains her interest in having dinner but then she re-thinks things and cancels as she did last week.

This week we're suppose to go to movie/dinner (?) but we'll see if it happens. Why did she want to see the movie with me? On the weekend of our wedding, one of our activities was going to a movie premiere (wife works at the studio). The sequel to the same movie comes out this weekend, so explains the original invitation.

WAW wife seems to be in full MLC mode. She recently bought a car and this weekend began sailing. In light of the financial issues that are coming our way with the unwinding, I don't think she gets it.

[wawinla]

Val:

Thanks for the words of encouragement. It's difficult not getting emotional, but I'm doing my best to stay as even tempered as possible.

I hope I handle our marriage settlement conversation as well as you did. As you so aptly chronicled, it may not seem like DB'ing, but I need/must stand up to my WAW. I need to do what's best for me and not let hope cloud or influence what is justly mine.

It's difficult not getting angry/emotional when I know she's now picked up sailing while I'm dealing with banks and realtors associated with the short sale on our house.

Intellectually I know I'll get through this, but the emotions are still trailing behind.

[wawinla]

Journal:

My WAW text me today to ask if we could meet to discuss the settlement. I told her I was unable and she got upset. She went on a tirade that I was purposely slowing down the process, as she wants the D completed by the end of the year. Even if we reach an agreement by the end of the year, the D won't be finalized for a few months into 2012.

Regardless, I got upset..I know not ideal. I told her I was available last weekend, but she was unable. Her response...I didn't want to see you so close to our wedding anniversary. Is this my fault, I thought but didn't say anything. She then went on about how my not willing to redline the agreement was a tactic to delay the process.

It seems that she goes on her merry way and then all of of sudden when she realizes she has items left on her checklist, she then goes into task mode. I believe it's her way of trying to maintain control over the situation. She then criticized me on not keeping her up to speed on the shortsale process on our house. Have her kept abreast minute by minute? No. Why? When I ping her, she responds...I'm too busy at work to think about that now. Frustratingly when I do forward/copy her on emails regarding the sale, she hasn't reached out and then I get her wrath today.

At the end of our brief conversation, she's decided to come by the house on Monday night to discuss the agreement, something she's never wanted to do until now.

I'm struggling with doing what's best for me, how my WAW will perceive it and how it would affect any possible R. Intellectually, there is no signs of R, so I need to do what's best for me. Emotionally, I still haven't detached enough to let go.

I'm trying to prepare for the worst tomorrow. I'm going to ask for what I believe is rightful mine and I know my WAW will be upset. Sigh...it is what is...I wish it wasn't so. :-(