It's been nearly 7 months since I lasted posted. As my D becomes final, I feel it would be helpful to spend time here again to reflect on the journey I've been on.
First off, my surgical procedure went well. I'm cancer free and under going regular check ups to monitor the situation. Looking back at the surgery now, many of the emotions I experienced were like those surrounding my D. The surgery itself was scary, at times overwhelming, and painful. While laying in the hospital and later recuperating at home, I couldn't help but feel a little sorry for myself. But those moments were fleeting and thankfully for the support of those around me, I faced the challenges of the surgery with optimism which aided in my recovery. I still experience some physical effects of the procedure every now and then, but unless it comes up in conversation, no one would be able to tell that I had major surgery less than a year ago. As to my WAW, I asked her to come to the hospital, but she never made it.
Two months after the procedure, I was recovered enough to serve as a United States team leader at the London Olympics, where thankfully our team returned with a Gold and Silver medal. For me, being able to make it to London to serve represented that I would be okay...not only from a physical standpoint, but also in regards to the D as well. Prior to my departure, our D court date had arrived. Instead of subjecting myself to a drawn out legal entanglement, we arranged for a settlement conference, where I decided to "let things go" so an agreement could be reached.
Upon the completion of the Games, I had a few days in London to myself. I couldn't think of a better back drop for my period of reflection. During this journey, I had many struggles, but a major one was letting go of my past life and adjusting to being alone. A quote that I found helpful was:
"Language...has created the word 'loneliness' to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word 'solitude' to express the glory of being alone." -- Paul Tillich
The buddhist view that we suffer when we desire for circumstances over which we have no control to be other than they are…I was struggling with letting go and suffering. Once I opened my heart and mind to being alone, solitude became my friend. And the GAL I was doing became more real and meaningful.
I still have my ebbs and flows emotionally, but in the end, as the "vets" here so eloquently express with their words of encouragement, things will get better.
Thanks again to everyone here, especially those who have taken the time to read and respond to my thread. Prayers and good thoughts to each of you.
_______________________ M: 47; W: 39 M: 4.5 yrs; T: 18 years No children Separated: 01/19/11 Wife Served Papers: 02/1/11 Wife moved: 03/05/11 Responded: 04/14/11
Glad to read how well you have recovered from surgery. And it is a good read how you cope with the finalizing of the divorce. All the best for your journey.
I spend some time yesterday reading your whole thread and I wanted to say that I am so sorry for what you have gone through. Your situation has really touched me. You have had quite a ride plus you have had to deal with both your and your mom's health issues on top of it.
I have to say that your wife's attitude and behavior throughout this whole ordeal is, in my humble opinion, one of the most insensitive I have read of on these boards. From what you describe, I have to think that she is in a lot of pain. I can imagine that a lot of it might come from problems in your M, but that a lot of it also comes from personal, unresolved issues. I think she probably has a lot to deal with on her own and she is not in a position to do so, given her actions. She must also be extremely depressed. I have to feel bad for her because that is the only way I can explain her acting as cold as she has towards you in all of this.
It seems to me like you have been able to see your role in the demise of your M and I congratulate you for remaining calm and acting in such a controlled fashion since she left and specially given her behavior.
All I can say is that I am sorry you have gone through all of that. My H has also done some very insensitive things since he left. I don't mean to bash our spouses here. I believe in my heart that they truly don't mean to hurt us so much, but the bottom line is that they do. My point is just that this pain that a WAS unwittingly inflicts can be so great, that only those who have experienced something like this can understand it. And so I feel for you.
Please take care of your health and keep up the good work and the focus on yourself. As you know, good PMA goes a long way and greatly affects our physical health as well and from what I have read, you have been so strong throughout and I hope you continue doing so.
Best wishes for you.
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
