Every night before we go to bed, my son and I say our prayers. He thanks God for all the wonderful things that he did and then he says "please bring my daddy home".
It breaks my heart every time.
Heres my story:
Just a little over a month ago my husband and I seperated. I could feel the distance between us growing. I had my son just 3 years ago. I devoted myself to him and all his needs. I tried to be the best mum I could. At the very same time my husband started his law career. He also devoted all his time and energy to being the best lawyer he could be. It was at this point we started drifting apart.
My sons birth was unexpected. Financially we were not in the right position to afford to have a child. My husband had been studying law full time and therefore we did not have much money. As stated previously his first law job and the birth of my son happened at the very same time. His first law job did not pay very well and we had to move back home with my parents after a year. We rented out our home to get some extra money.
Our relationship was what I would call "cruising". It wasnt exciting but it wasnt tense. Only 2 fights which were pretty major. The first one occured on our anniversary - I asked him to move out, but we ended up making up and he never moved out (this was last October). The second was last Christmas - he confessed about a girl who kissed him at his old job. He said he felt an enormous amount of guilt having not told me at the time. He said he felt attracted to the girl but didnt do anything about it. He left that job after that incident. I was of course very hurt and angry and we had a massive fight. We were on a Christmas holiday when this happened. We spent a night apart but then I forgave him and we made up and had the most wonderful holiday together.
It was smooth sailing for about a month or so. Then he started working his ridiculous hours again. Pretty much 7 days a week. He would always work from home but he was on the phone alot. When I look back I do remember being somewhat suspicious but you always put it in the back of your mind. You want to think the best of your spouse and give them your trust. We ended up drifting apart again. I could feel the tension. It was in March after his birthday that things got really tense. We didnt talk for a few days. Then finally we ended up having a big argument and I told him to leave. He packed his things and went to his mums. I packed the rest of his things and he got them the next day.
We didnt talk for 6 days. I was suspicious. I confronted him at his work. He wouldnt let me come into his office so we talked outside his work. A girl walked out of his office. I asked if he was having an affair with this girl. He denied it but I had my suspicions.
The next week we didnt have much contact. He turned up to see my son play sport but that was it. He didnt call or check up on us. Then he told my by text that he couldnt see my son at sport next weekend because he was going away for the weekend. I knew straight away that he wasnt going alone.
I had been a wreck for these few weeks. I lost 5kgs. Hardly ate or slept. I leaned on friends at work mostly because I couldnt and didnt want to tell my close friends because I did not want them to judge my husband. I still felt that he was a good man - who is going through a crisis.
He did all the typical MLC behaviour - bought a new sports car, spent all of our money (left our bank account with $23), bought new/younger clothes, went to bars/clubs, told me I love you but im not in love with you, hanging out with younger people, affair, lies, lies and more lies.
After he came back from holiday we had a chat. We ended up ML and then I noticed that he had this look in his eyes - guilt? I asked and proded and he confessed to an affair with a co-woker (the girl I suspected). I was hurt of course but remained very calm. He told me he was sorry and we made plans to go home together. He said he needed to make a phone call before going into the house. I went in and heard his conversation because he had it on speaker in his car. He told the girl that he was going home and he wanted to work things out with me. She was crying and asking why. I was upset at hearing this so i walked out and told him that I could hear his conversation. He was embarrased. And then his phone rang again. It was OW and a picture of her lying on a bed in her underwear appeared on his phone. Again he felt embarrased and said he had to leave. I asked why - I had thought we were going to work things out? He said no and left.
He didnt ring me or make any contact for the next few days. Contact was made after a few days to arrange to see our S. Things have been much the same for the last couple of weeks. Only wanting to see his son and no other contact made. My son has slept over with him at his mums house. But my son always comes home looking unhappy. I dont think my H is being the best dad at the moment - not doing fun things with my S.
A few nights ago - I went to a club/pub with a friend. Got a little tipsy (im not much of a drinker) and ended up scratching my car. Bad park job! woops. Didnt sleep all night from all the drinking and still not sleeping much anyway. Im on sleeping tablets which Im trying to wean myself off.
My H dropped S home I showed him my car. He seemed interested and he also seemed interested in talking to me. His phone rang and then he left. I of course was looking really great as I have lost even more weight - 8kgs in total. Looking like my old self again - admit i look pretty darn good
In the evening i received a text from H. Said he was concerned about my behaviour (going out and drinking and then scratching my car). Said he still cared about me and I should call him if I needed anything. I texted him back and we ended up flirting and sexting. He asked me to "catch" up and in the end I said no.
Yesterday he was supposed to see my S. He rang but I was in a work meeting. He text to say he couldnt make it - too much work and he promised his mum that he would be home for dinner. I didnt make too much of a big deal about it and flirted a little.
Today was my sons first day at daycare. My mum has been looking after him since I went back to work full time. Its a BIG deal since no one else has ever looked after him. My husband said that he was going to come to his first day but received a phone call this morning whilst I was on the train to say that he couldnt make it - typical! Since being seperated he cancels or is late to meet with our S. Getting pretty sick of this behaviour but I said dont worry about it.
It was a pretty stressful and emotional morning. My S cried as I left. I cried walking back to work. I will check on him today at lunch to see how he is going. My H says that he will come and see him tonight. Thats if he doesnt cancel.
Throughout this month I have been a wreck as you can imagine. But I have also been trying to work on me. Ive done the following: * Allowed my son to sleep over his grandma's house (i have never been away from him since he was born - only when i had to go to hospital for surgery) * Started going to the gym * Going out with friends * More housework * Driving everywhere - got a NAVMAN (hubby use to do all the driving) * Going back to church
I feel that I have grown to be more of an independent person and I know that I have more growing to do but it is really painful.
I know for a fact that he is still with OW and that really breaks my heart.
I could really use some help in what I should be doing more of? Or less of.
I havent brought up any R talk since 2 weeks ago, when I found out about the A. I dont call him. I only respond to his text. But I feel so hurt that he hardly calls us. He doesnt call to say goodnight to his S. He sees him only once during the week and then he has him stay over 1 night during the weekend.
I feel completely lost. I feel like hes falling more and more attached with OW. When I found out about the A - he told me he really cared about her. That really hurt me.
Id really like some advice/support. Im feeling very hurt/sad.
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
Sorry you find yourself here. Cadet will be by with reading assignments. As for your feelings, they are normal. We've all gone through it. But it sounds like you're on the right path. Keep yourself busy. Get a life (GAL). Work on YOU. You can't fix your H. You can't change his mind. The pain and hurt are very real, but time is your friend. You have been given the gift of time. And it's time to make YOU better. Better for yourself and better for your S. NOT better for your H.
Don't find yourself surprised by any of his behaviors. Remember, MLC= confusion and you can't understand crazy. So many people on these boards have driven THEMSELVES crazy trying to understand their spouses. They cannot be understood right now. They are on a crazy train to MLC-ville and until they get off the ride, you have no idea where they'll end up.
Sorry you are here but this is the best worst place to be.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach. Use the time that your H has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself.
I had my son just 3 years ago. I devoted myself to him and all his needs. I tried to be the best mum I could. At the very same time my husband started his law career. He also devoted all his time and energy to being the best lawyer he could be. It was at this point we started drifting apart.
Let me break parts of this down.
Quote:
I had my son just 3 years ago.
At first I thought that maybe your son was with another man. The way you claim him.
Quote:
"please bring my daddy home".
But I get the feeling...you and your husband have a son together.
Every time you address your son, it is MY...not ours. Not his. Do you do that in in the real world? Something to think about. As a dad, that would upset me, if my wife refered to our boys, as hers.
Quote:
I devoted myself to him and all his needs.
At cost to your marriage?
Quote:
He also devoted all his time and energy to being the best lawyer he could be.
At cost to your marriage?
Quote:
It was at this point we started drifting apart.
Yup.
A child hopefully is the joyful result of love between a husband and wife. Not to take away from that love, or replace it.
Now this:
Quote:
The first one occured on our anniversary - I asked him to move out...
...we ended up having a big argument and I told him to leave.
You should REALLY stop pulling that card out in a fight. It's a horrible tactic plain stupid.
Right now, stop pressuring him. Stop pushing him. Stop saying I love you.
Get Divorce Remedy and read it.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Thank you all for your response. Its so nice to come here and receive advice/support.
Cadet I have read all the info you put above. Been trawling this site for a few weeks before I could bring myself to start posting. Ive read heaps and I keep re-reading as I feel there is so much to learn.
Jack great observation. Shook me up abit as I didnt realise that this is how I was referring to our S. Its pretty negative of me. I dont know if this is how I generally communicate or only now that I feel H has abandoned us.
Just an update as to the events of last night....
H did come over to see our S. He text to say that he was running an hour late - text back and said no probs. Im learning not to get annoyed with this behaviour.
First thing I notice when he gets there is the baby seat is already in his car. Every other time he has had to pull it out of the boot and place it in the back of the car again - I believe this is because when he is with OW he doesnt want the reminder that we have a S. I thought that having the car seat in the car already was a good sign.
I told S to jump in the car and then H asked if I was going to come along. I asked whether he wanted me to, and he said he didnt mind, if I wanted to then yes. I was unsure but decided at that very moment to say yes and have a PMA.
Went to play aqua golf. Forgot to mention that I was looking great that evening, wearing a great dress with gorgeous boots. I was playing quite well too. H is quite a naturally gifted sportsman, as is my S - genetics obviously. But tonight H was playing badly - obviously felt awkward. I on the other hand was playing very well. Hitting the ball quite hard and far. H noticed and said that I was playing well. Also noticed that he was checking me out. Flirty look in his eyes.
I sensed that he was being very responsive towards me, a feeling I havent felt in over a month. He suggested we have something to eat as he was feeling hungry. So we got takeaway (McDonalds - yuck) I didnt eat anything as Im not into junk food any longer. Took S to play in the little play area. Sat on the floor and watched him play whilst H ordered food. Then he came and sat next to me. First a little away and then got closer and closer, in the end we were touching arms. We were having a great time playing with our S. S was trying to tackle his dad and dad was tickling him. S asked me to tickle dad so I did. H laughed and we continued our little game of tackling and tickling for a while. I could tell that H was having a great time and I saw him smile and laugh for the first time in 5 weeks. We also had lots of eye contact - again havent seen this for 5 weeks. Then he unexpectly leaned over and kissed my neck. It was very strange. It felt like he was showing me that he was having a great time and he really liked being there and being happy.
On the way home I commented on how much I like his new car. H said he wanted to show me what it could really do. I said Id like that. H suggested dropping S off at mums and taking a drive. I said yes but then when we got to the driveway I changed my mind and said that I had to put S to bed as it was already past his bedtime. H looked dissapointed. Looked a little upset and just gave me a peck on the cheek.
I instantly regretted doing this as soon as I walked in the house. I asked my mum if she would mind watching S as I had something I needed to do quite urgently.
I text H and asked if he was faraway. He said No and Why. I said i could meet him in 5mins. He said sure and we met up in a local park - a little bit like teenagers sneeking out.
H took me for a ride in the car - quite thrilling. Did go quite fast but I liked the way it felt. But even though we were breaking the law I felt safe with him - not sure if that makes sense. He's quite a big guy. Goes to the gym 2 times a day and he has always made me feel quite safe.
We ended up parking by the river. Got talking about his work and my work. Said I was doing well at my work and he said you always do well at your work, they all love you. Which they do. Im quite the superstar here - cant do anything wrong. Even though I have been a wreck here for the past month, my boss has said that "even at 50% you're still the best worker here". Thought that was very sweet. Boss also offered to pay for all my counselling - again very sweet. Plan to do that next week. Have loads of supportive friends here.
In the end one thing lead to another and H and I ended up ML. Then we got onto the topic of our R. I know I know I shouldnt have brought it up - but cant take it back now. Bugger!
It wasnt a bad chat but I could tell that he was still very unsure/confused - drrr he is still with OW afterall (although I dont have concrete evidence of this as I dont talk about her. But they did go on holiday together (yes another one) last week on Easter). He said that he was so happy and proud of all the changes he could see in me. Said I was looking HOT. I thanked him for his compliment. He also said that everytime he spent time with me and S that it felt right. But then he would go home and he liked the freedom and lack of responsibility. He liked that he could come and go as he pleased. This made me sad. But I said nothing.
I felt that things ended on a little bit of a sad note. He kissed me on the cheek at the end of the night. I felt bad about bringing up talk about R. So I text him to lighten the mood abit. I thanked him for a great nite. He replied with "like wise. take care of yourself babe. talk soon".
It wasnt a brilliant response but it was the first time I heard the word "babe" in a month. Thinking positive thougths again. That made me smile
I was resolved that I wouldnt have contact again for the next few days when he will pick up our S to sleepover. But he text me this morning to enquire about the present he gave our S. I said that S loved the present and that it was sweet of him to buy it. Also said that I apreaciated his effort and thoughfullness.
Goodness me, Ive got to learn to summarise more.......this is my first forum....sorry all.
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
Can anyone let me know what they thought of H's behaviour last night ie eye contact/smiling/laughing/positive comments/kissing/texts etc?
Is this a good sign?
Im trying not to read too much into it. I know I have a long long way to go but just want to know/learn from those of you who have been here a while if indeed it is a positive sign?
Also, I am generally a PMA type person. I have not shown anger or hatred towards my H during this whole time. Should I keep doing this?
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
No contact with H last night - didnt expect there would be. Am meeting with MIL this morning for coffee. Im sure she will have some info to tell me. She has been very supportive throughtout the whole situation. She is a counsellor and has tried her very best to give me unbiased opinion/advice. However, in saying that I know that she wants the best for her son and her goal is to help him through his crisis.
She and FIL have had a few talks with H to discuss his behaviour and what the ramifications are. H will be moving out of MIL house end of June to one of MIL apartments which is down the road from her house.
At her insistance H is attending counselling this Saturday. He mentioned it but didnt look too enthusiastic about it. I said that going to counselling for me has been beneficial. Told him I thought it was good that he was going.
Ill update you later as to what MIL has to say....
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
Really wanting some advice on my previous posts. Feeling very down today. Not much sleep last night.
No contact from H. To be expected. Had to drop S off this morning in daycare. Its only his second day. He cried of course. Then I cried (not in front of him of course). H has not shown any interest in S daycare. Very upset by this.
H was meant to look after S tonight. He asked to swap to Saturday as he had a squash tournament. This is new to me. He's never played squash before.
Just annoyed and down. Would appreciate some advice.
Thanks
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
First, Jack was spot on about your referral to "my" son. I caught it too and was confused as to whether it was just your son or both of yours. Two, does the word "cake-eating" translate? My first instinct is that hubby is having his cake and eating it too. He has the OW, he has the wife. What a man!
Red, unless you want the term floormat imprinted across your forehead, forget ML with him. Set some boundaries. Make him honor you by honoring your boundaries. If he can't, well, he can sell that chit somewhere else. Don't make yourself the 'available choice'. Be the 'only choice'. Distance yourself.
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
Punkin is right. Your H telling you that he likes having both you and the ow and no responsibility is a huge red flag!
Set a boundary that if he's going to be with ow he doesn't get to have you. To let him continue this behavior will not encourage him to make a choice. Why should he? He has both!
Plus you are setting yourself up for the risk of getting a STD.
Yes, this may make him angry at first, but who cares. It's a consequence of a choice he made. Please think more of yourself than someone he can 'visit' when the mood strikes.
Continue to work on yourself and become the better option.
GAL and be a woman of mystery. Let your H wonder what you're up to. Limit your contact to financial and child issues. In fact, the less you contact him the better. When he contacts you, be polite, but distant. End the convo first by saying you've got to go for one reason or another.
The idea is to leave him wanting more of something he's not going to get until he recommits to your marriage and is willing to work with you in rebuilding it.
As Punkin said, "Distance yourself." It is tough stuff, but it will be worth it in the end because your self respect will be in tact no matter what happens.
(not in front of him of course). H has not shown any interest in S daycare. Very upset by this.