Digging Through Old Email

[kara]

Give her some space, starting this weekend. Especially since she has a final coming up. No one can tell you to decide when you have had enough but if you are in it for the long haul you will need patience and that "space" will be a gift to yourself. One day this will become crystal clear to you. Living on a see-saw of emotions simply isn't sustainable.

Hope you have something interesting lined up for the week-end...

[kara]

Sorry, I meant:

No one can tell you when you have had enough...

[seeking answers]

Tad,

My biggest fear was that if I detached, I would no longer love my H.

I'm here to tell you that yes, I have detached, and yes, I still love him.

I don't need him, I want him. I just don't want him as he is now. I've stepped back still hoping he'll figure this out for himself. If he doesn't, it won't be the end of my world.

Step back, give her the space and time she's asking for. It's not easy or for the faint of heart. You have to back away and give her the time to realize that you weren't the problem. It won't happen if you're always there and convenient for her to blame you for every thing that's wrong in her life.

Do yourself a favor Tad and try what we've been telling you. It's not guaranteed to work, but it's the best shot you have. After all, what you've been doing is pushing her farther away.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Seeking and Kara.

I will give it a try.

No contact this weekend.

Ug.

Tough, but I have to do it.

I took my wedding ring off tonight. I just don't feel like wearing it anymore. Hers has been of since October. Besides, if she were to come back and work on our marriage, I'd want new rings anyways.....just like a new marriage.

Tad

[kara]

Hi Tad,

What are you doing this week-end?

Movies? Running/walking? Bookstore?

This space and limited contact with her is for yourself - to give you time to heal and get involved in life again. It will be less hard to do if you get busy and involved in things you like to do.

Sunday is Mothers' Day. That may be a good day for you to get out and do something for yourself if you think that you will be sad at home.

[Flabbergasted]

Tad,

Hi! I’m probably in about the same stage you are so I don’t know that I have a lot of advice but I do really feel for what you’re going through.

I’ll tell you a little of what I’ve observed in my sitch. My H told me at one point that he HAD to be mean to me because I was just sitting there taking it. He told me the old “ME” would never have put up with what he was doing. That was prior to our separating but I can see that some of what he was doing and saying was to intentionally hurt me and make a point that I needed to leave and move on. He said it was easier for him to be mean because it hurt him too much to think about what he was doing to me. Until they’re ready to deal with it they will ignore it…if they ever do deal with it.

You also mentioned a few days ago like you feel like your W knows she’s doing things that are wrong. My H told me one time after we separated that he was changed and didn’t know what was wrong with him. He said he felt as though he didn’t have a conscience. He said he changed and became a different person so quickly and that all the changes he could see in me were great but just not at the same pace he changed. I could tell he was confused about the whole thing. Another time I confronted him about a mean comment he made about a friend. It was so out of character. When I said something about it he said it was too hard to be that “nice” person all the time. So not the man I knew.

I don’t know if any of that helps at all but I have seen the pushing away and I’m pretty much giving a wide birth. We don’t have children together though so it’s much easier for me to do. I really believe we need to walk away and try not to look back. I know we’re spending WAY more time thinking about them than they are us. It’s our time to focus on ourselves. Not in their self-centered selfish way but in our own healing way. I have so many friends telling me to move on…for them that means dating. After 3 mos. separation I know I’m not ready for that…it wouldn’t be fair to another person. I’m busy working on GAL and faking it until I make it. That said, I cried yesterday on my way home from bar bingo.

Have a good weekend! Get out there and do things that interest you and make you happy.

Hugs ~ Shel

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Kara and Shel.

I'm not sure what I will do this weekend. I've got to do something though. Mother's Day will probably be bad for me, but even worse for W seeing how our boys are all upset with her. So, should I tell her Happy Mother's Day?

My guess is no.

Right?

He said it was easier for him to be mean because it hurt him too much to think about what he was doing to me.

Wow. I never heard anything like this from W. She won't even open up to me.

My H told me one time after we separated that he was changed and didn’t know what was wrong with him.

I've told my W that she changed and became a different person overnight. Our sons have even told her that. She denies it and says she hasn't changed at all. I wish she could see it.

I know we’re spending WAY more time thinking about them than they are us. It’s our time to focus on ourselves. Not in their self-centered selfish way but in our own healing way.

Yes, I do think about her a lot, but it is getting less often.

Tad

[kara]

Hi Tad,

I don't think that there is anything wrong with wishing her Happy Mothers' Day. Just keep it polite and to the point. Don't use it as an opportunity to engage in another R discussion or to ask her questions about what she plans to do or talk about how much you miss her etc. When you limit contact you are not being rude or obnoxious. You are just keeping a healthy distance to enable yourself to heal. You are adopting a new modus operandi...never rude, never cruel but more business-like as you operate at an arms' length. There may be times when you need to let go some "truth darts" but you will learn to tell when.

As you ACCEPT living with this "space" between you, you will be able to judge for yourself the how to deal with things like wishing happy birthday, mothers' day etc.

[AJM]

Tad, you are doing very well. And you won't piss me off. Really. I post to your situation because I think it may help to offer an opinion. To help you see things differently. From the eyes of somebody who's been there and done that.

I think as you get further away from ground zero, you'll more of the picture. Right now you are way too close. Many of the answers are over the horizon, my friend. For now, enjoy the questions

As for the kids? I can tell you they'll change their attitude. One thing about this situation is that it won't stay static for a very long time. Normal won't occur for a while longer most likely. The sooner you back off the quicker you can heal and so can she. Therefore so can the boys.

Consider yourself radioactive to her. The closer you get the sicker she becomes. I know this to be true because I'm done. I sometimes go back and poke her to keep things moving more than anything. I can very easily manipulate her now that I see the picture. I refuse to do so, but sometimes I do need to keep things moving to extricate myself from this completely. There is no relationship left in my marriage or with stbx. At all. She made sure of that and I was an unwitting accomplice in some of that. She very much was angry and wanted me to fight back. I refused. That part was good. Not giving her more space than I gave was not. I was too attached. I don't regret it, but I can see how it didn't and does not help

For the weekend? How about bowling?

AJ

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Kara and AJ.

I don't think that there is anything wrong with wishing her Happy Mothers' Day.

I will probably just send her a real short text message. Nothing fancy.

Tad, you are doing very well. And you won't piss me off. Really. I post to your situation because I think it may help to offer an opinion. To help you see things differently. From the eyes of somebody who's been there and done that.

Thanks AJ. You've been a big help my friend.

The sooner you back off the quicker you can heal and so can she.

This is hard. I've pretty much gone dark, but I guess I need to go pitch black. As I've said in earlier posts, I'm just afraid that if I pull back, she'll do the same.

Consider yourself radioactive to her. The closer you get the sicker she becomes.

This is a good way to look at it.

I'll be honest. I know that these changes are for me, but I'm still holding out hope to save my marriage.

She says that she wants to be friends and still wants the best for me. She can be so nice sometimes and turn around and be so mean other times.

I also feel sometimes that she doesn't even know what she wants. She hasn't mentioned divorce in probably a month.

The weekend? I may do some bowling. Haven't been in a few weeks.

AJ, are you still not divorced?

Tad