Depression from dating

[Golfgirl1]

Hey BA,
You sound pretty great, too! Yes, many women (including my best friend) are hung up on height. Not me! I just need someone who shares my interest in being active. I guess we all have our hang ups.

I've heard several "theories" on when to just tell someone it isn't going to work. I believe in "soul tribes" and that there is definitely more than one soul mate out there. I know within a minute (seriously) if I think there's going to be a long term connection. Now, you can't really just get up from the table at that point, so you're kind of stuck for at least another hour. But at that point I think you say just what BA suggested. There's no point in wasting anyone's time.

[kml]

Funny thing about the height issue -
I happen to have a penchant for very tall men (although my ex was 5'10" and I have dated guys who were all different heights). It's just that my first boyfriend after the separation was 6'6" and I have some very fond memories of that.

BUT - my best friend is just the opposite. She thinks these men are "too tall". And I know from my old boyfriend that he had that response from many women in the past too. So it's just a matter of preferences and everybody likes something different.

[musclegal]

My X was 6'. I don't care, but if I were designing the perfect man, he'd be shorter. Easier to spoon!

BA, I'll try the simple approach...see how it goes. Thanks

[cat03]

I am not 50 but got turned off online dating and dating altogether already! lol, I was only on online dating a short time... it is hard not to have high expectations and make mountains out of mole hills (that's the other reason I stopped) I want to feel free and not cling to the first guy who likes me... do not have romantic expectations off the bat on the first date... I also don't want to mislead anyone but I think expecting to find a soul mate right away is misleading to yourself, give it time, relax and have a 'friends' mindset before any date... ok, now I'm going to have to check ok cupid, lol

[BeginningAgain]

My X was 6'. I don't care, but if I were designing the perfect man, he'd be shorter. Easier to spoon!

Thanks for throwing a bone out to us somewhat shorter guys! If I ever have to go back on the market again, maybe I'll put "Easier to spoon" in my profile.

BA

[Daybreak]

Time to throw my two pfennigs into the discussion...

At my last session with IC a few weeks ago, we spent a few minutes on the dating topic and how things appear to be so much different than they were from when I was single (early to mid 1980's). In all honesty, I don't think the rules have changed very much from then to the present. Admittedly, the field of vision has exploded tremendously with the Internet but each one of us has to deal with her/his comfort level. In my case, I'm not that comfortable with embracing the World Wide Web with this. Admittedly I still have a way to go before I reach closure with my M, but I doubt that I would go that route even when things are finalized.

I did meet STBEX when I least expected it so I suspect it will happen again in that way...

[musclegal]

Hey BA,
I agree...and I never should have paid for 6 months in advance. But am starting to think this is good "practice" for what I want and what I don't want. When its not depressing, its kind of comical. And I'm finding really interesting is that because I've had dates with 4 different men, I don't have to put stock in any one of them. I'm reading a really interesting book recommended by my IC...its called "Attached. The Science of Adult Attachment" and it talks about three relationship types: Anxious, Solid and Avoidant. It talks about how Anxious people tend to match up with Avoidant ones (will he/she call, overanalyzing everything, very sensitive...) and the Avoidants are distancing. It says that MOST people in the dating world are Avoidants, because they don't have the "glue" to hold relationships together and are always looking for the next, best, thing. I bet a lot of us on this site tend toward anxious and our strayed spouses avoidant. That if you are anxious, the best thing to do is to casually date several people until you meet the right one. It keeps you from getting involved with someone until you know they are right for you...kind of how to protect your heart a little and not fall for someone who comes on strong then distances...

So, I've changed the focus of this dating site thing. Its timeconsuming and weird, but have decided to have a couple of dates with someone, not get physically involved (so for most guys, it will probably end after a couple of dates ;), and look for certain qualities that might be healthier for a solid relationship in the future.

Good book!

[Golfgirl1]

Thanks for the great book advice; gives me something to think about. This week I sent an email and a "first steps" communication to two guys from eharmony. Nothing....no response back. I sent one last week, no response back. I will still remain firm that it's their loss if they don't want to respond back and get to know me. After 18 months of not dating and learning to love myself, etc....I hope I am in the "solid" category and these guys can't handle that. I have definitely run into a few "avoidant" types and they don't stick around but one date (which is probably good).

I would go on a date or two if I could find someone to date!! All in good time I guess.

[musclegal]

Hi Golfgirl,

Here's what I keep telling myself--ITS NOT ABOUT YOU!!! Its just what happens on these sites. My friend did eharmony a few years ago and now I tell her about it, and she's like "Oh, that happened to me, too". You can't take it too personally and a sense of humor is really important. You don't know whether the guy you messaged just met someone else, or is out of town, or isn't even actively on the site. Or wants kids/or doesn't want them, or likes blonds, or a certain height whatever. It feels pretty random in the end. I've met 4 guys who are nice...probably none is a life match, but its probably good to get out there a little bit. It took a couple of months to get to the date stage. Another guy I thought was really cute asked me for drinks one night that I had the kids, then never replied to me later...so, again, I tell myself not to take it personally. That book helped...one thing I don't want is to pursue someone who doesn't appear interested. So it helps to close the book if that happens. That never was a pattern before my marriage, but I did a lot of it during the affair...

In the end, I think I'll meet someone when I least expect it, probably not on a dating site but doing somethng I like to do...

[BeginningAgain]

Musclegal - I couldn't agree with you more. You are absolutely right that you can't take it personally on these sites. While in the past I have always responded to anyone who sent me an email because I felt if someone took the time to write to me I at least owe them a response, some people don't feel the same way and will simply block you from contact - which is there perogative. In my opinion the people who don't respond and simply block you are doing you a favor - you don't want to get to know them anyway.

BA
BA