Depression from dating

[d1adsl5a]

OK--Here is an area where I can offer a little advice..

Been going through the divorce process for about 2 years now. W moved out last May. Run to eharmony...Date number 2, I find the girl of my dreams or so I thought..World Wind Romance. Within 4 months we are talking about her and her 4 kids moving in with me and my sons. Month 7: my insomnia comes back. Why: I just agreed to a timeline as to when we were going to move in together. Over time, I do some soul searching..I figure out that:

-I ran to eharmony to make me feel attractive, wanted and whole again.
-I wanted to find my next wife
-I didn't want to be alone
-I was almost willing my self to be in love with her. But in the end I wasn't really after 8 months. I question how much I was in love with my W when we got married when I was 25..You just think, yea there are some issues, but those will work it out over time--Wrong. i was repeating the same behavior as I did 15 years ago with my wife. I just wasn't strong enough to end it if I wasn't 100%.
-I had to break it off, because it wasn't fair to her and her kids. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life because I have never hurt someone like this in breaking up with them. She was everything I thought I wanted, but i was wrong..
-I am a fan of eharmony and will go back someday. But you have to be ready. You have to be whole on your own and not try to get that feeling from someone else. You need to be able to live alone first.
-I have learned some life lessons over the last few years. Life can be so hard sometimes.

-You will find someone. What is wrong with dating at 50? If you are not attracted to someone or you think--"no" right off the bat, then don't respond. The last thing you want to do is lead someone on.

I hurt someone dearly that thought i could ever do. Just make sure you are ready..

[whatisis]

Great advice d1adsl5a!

[BeginningAgain]

d1adsl5a,

I'm curious, how did you get on eHarmony? On of their main requirements is they require that you be legally divorced and will not accept people who are in a separated status.

BA

[Golfgirl1]

I've spent two years working on myself and filling my own little cup up again. I love myself more than I ever have and could care less about finding a "forever partner." In fact, I think I send out those kind of vibes because when I was online dating no one picked me. It's perfectly okay with me because when the timing is right someone amazing is coming into my life; I can just feel it. I always felt online dating felt so darn "artificial" because people can represent themselves anyway they wish. It really did get depressing afte awhile. Since then I've just had fun living my full, rich, and happy life and I'm so busy I don't know how I would fit someone in right now. It's "ME" time for once and I'm not giving it up for just anyone....

[musclegal]

Good advice D1. And Golfgirl1, you're right too. Funny thing is that I have only a few nights open --and I have more fun, really, when I go out with my girlfriends than when I have a "blind" date. I have met one nice guy, a teacher...who seems like relationship material, but I'm not sure I want to go there...or not quickly anyway. I changed my profile to say that friendship is the foundation of good relationships...so hope I'm sending out the right vibe. Really, I just want to date a little...not jump into something serious. I do think if you are patient, that God will open the door for the right person.

[d1adsl5a]

All good advice. Golfgirl, however you have accomplished that, congratualtions. It has been very hard to be happy with just myself. First thing I need to do is forgive myself for this past relationship. I wanted it to be the one so bad, that I was saying and doing all the right things when in my heart, I knew there was something missing. i hurt someone like my w hurt me when she asked for the divorce. i never want to do that again to someone. It is the worst feeling in the world. I like the friend idea. I think mine went from friend to we are going to get married in the future within 4 months...My god how could i have let something like this happen. I just need to work hard on me. Work on being alone when I don't have my sons. I have them every sat, sun, mon. I workout everyday, but I need more fulfillment. Having somebody tell you they love you, need you, can't be without you was the most wonderful feeling I have every felt. i can't remember my w ever saying that. however, 5 months in I started to feel that i wasn't totally in love. I was trying so hard, but I couldn't look into her children's eyes anymore knowing that I wasn't sure. This was so gutwrenching for me...But again, I have to be ok for me and my sons first. So i a have to forgive myself for what happened. My D has gone on close to two years and the w is trying for sole custody to get more money from me now. What did i do deserve all this pain in my life??? I didn't sleep one hour last night. my insomnia is back... I swear I am a nice guy who wears his heart on his sleeve. I just wanted Happily Ever After...It seems so elusive now. I need to work on being happy with what I have...And Musclegal as you said, God will open the door for the right person...

[Iwondertooo]

D1, I just want to drop in here to say that you made the right decision and you should be proud of yourself for doing what you did, not punish yourself for it. We all do crazy things sometimes to escape from the pain. Lucky for you and her you recognized it. I mean you also have to ask yourself what was SHE thinking after 8 months moving in with 4 kids? Give yourself a break and sleep well tonight. All will be well. Wonder

[d1adsl5a]

Thanks. I plan on sleeping well tonight and having fun with my sons this weekend. I guess she was just looking for her happy ending as well and was willing to not look at all the signs either...Even after I said, I am not sure about us, moving in, marriage, etc...she still wanted to stay and try. She really did love me that is why it hurt so bad saying goodbye. My W blamed me for the down fall of our marriage saying it was all my fault. I blame myself for the ending of this relationship.. I guess I have been beating myself up for sometime now and not really realizing that i have been taking the blame for everything in my life...Therapy has helped. But there are some other things i am just starting to realize about myself and that I need to understand it isn't my fault and that I can forgive myself...

I will tell you what, I am tired of being this emotional mess. At one point not too long ago, I was a mentally strong, confident guy. I have been reduced to a shell by all this, the insomnia, etc...I plan on turning this around and becoming the man i once was...

[Golfgirl1]

D1,
Time, time, time is how I did it. I also took a 10-week seminar on rebuilding after a relationship ends. I found new friends and spent time with them and plenty of alone time. I started to "peek" into the world of dating after 18 months and made some mistakes. Again, I say it all the time..."You don't attract what you want, you attract what you are." The first few people I went out with were so broken and emotionaly unavailable. Well, guess what? So was I!!! I had to sit back and really do some self-reflection to figure out how I was going to get myself to a healthy place where I could attract healthy men. I've been single for two years now and I'm getting there. I just went out to an outdoor concert in Boulder and had a great time with friends. Tomorrow I leave for a road trip to NC with my best friend. My summer is busy, my life is full and when the time is right that amazing man will find me. Until then, I'm out loving life!!

[Daybreak]

GG,

Hope you and your friend have a safe trip here. We had what seemed like a monsoon yesterday but the next few days will be hot (90's) and humid in the central part of the state. The humidity can be a bit of a shock if you aren't prepared for it. Hydration and taking things at a slow pace does help...